I walk slowly into the church. I try to look confident. People look at me with a look of interest. Some smile, but behind the smiles I read curiosity. Immediately I discern I’m underdressed. I find a seat and sit down. I hope I haven’t unwittingly chosen a regular’s favorite perch. I sit by the aisle for a quick escape. All around me I can feel the weight of obligation. There isn’t anything overt. No slogans of oppression plastered on the walls. But I feel the expectations floating in the air like airborne spores waiting to land on me. It affects my breathing, as if I’m trying to prevent these spores from entering my lungs and infecting me forever. I’ve been infected before, and they’re a bugger to get rid of. I’m not sure my immune system can resist them.
The singing and prayers are all fine. Most of the words aren’t too bad. Nothing obvious, but again, there’s something else clinging to them, desperately. These words are holy by themselves, but they seem to host countless parasitic ideas that would cripple me forever. I just know it. I’ve been there, done that, got the hospital bills. The offering is taken and I intentionally put in too little… a rebellious reaction to the “tithe talk” that was given by a child who really couldn’t know any better.
Then the preacher preaches. Suddenly, the spores and parasites become even more dominant. No longer do the holy words keep center, but the spores and parasites that cling to them become the thing we are really talking about. If this was sex, this is the climax. The holy words are not enough on their own. They are powerless by themselves. They have to be used for something. They have to do something. They must accomplish something, and immediately. They have to be used to affect me. They have to be used to change me. Underneath all the smooth, silky subtlety of the sermon I hear an undercurrent, a subtext to all that is being said, and it is this: “Comply!“
When the sermon is finally over, I meet a few nice people who’s happy handshakes beg, “You must come back. You must love us! You must become like us! You must validate us! Please!” I meet the pastor at the door. His handshake tries to feel permanent. His chatter is inappropriately intimate. I don’t hear what he’s saying, but I feel the stickiness of his speech. His smile is not sincere. It has intentions. His eyes have an agenda. I think he thinks he knows more about me than he thinks I think I know about myself. His soul is raping my soul, and mine lets out a silent scream to get the hell out of here! Fast! When I pry loose of his hands, I quickly step out onto the stairs and breath a deep breath of fresh air. The sky is blue. The trees are green. The grass is inviting. I touch my head, checking my skull for fractures. I feel my chest. My heart is beating, slightly rapid, but beating. I’m alive. And I am free.
The fine art photograph is the creation of my friend Mark Hemmings, and is taken from his Mannequin series.
If you like what nakedpastor has to say, your support is appreciated.
artist. cartoonist. teacher.
you make going to church sound like spending time in Auschwitz
I’ve felt similar things when visiting churches, particularly in my more cynical moments. I imagine, though, that someone from this church and those like it would feel the same way at the type of church that you might be totally at ease in.
I bet Nietzche probably had an experience like this with church…thank you. You have put in words what many experience in church…
…well…at least in Auschwitz they could kill you only once…
Why would anyone ever return to a place like that….
Will you ever get used to it?
This sounds like a lot of prophetic words going around. The shaking begins and it
is each one who is called out to be the church instead of go to church.
Sounds like “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” or “The Stepford Wives”. Wow. Churches will always be imperfect, as they are composed of human beings with flaws, but this sounds like an evil conspiracy.
I would agree that a communion of your own with God, out in an open field where there is no one with an agenda, would feel very different. However, many people seem to be able to have this same communion with God inside their churches.
This is horrible but it is what it’s like sometimes. Thanks for being honest. Sas x
Profoundly written. I have lived that moment and so has my husband. It is part of the reason we don’t go any longer. 20 years of ministry and some wonder what has gone wrong with us because we left. Maybe it is just the consumeristic northamerican version of church that has the illness, but it seems to be spreading. Thanks so much for writing so candidly.
Please keep writing. I will buy the book. In fact, I will buy two and send one, with love, to the pastoral staff at my former church.
I used to be a church staffer (not to mention being a pastor’s wife for 20+ years)who was paid to find ways to pull people in with words, Sunday morning production, atmosphere. I was also paid to teach people how to make other people come back. It worked and I am now in a process of repentance for professional ministry, for attending conferences that taught us to sell ourselves as the answer and then propagating that, crippling people’s hearts and feeding the frenzy of a self-contained church, small “c.” I stood by watching the Bride of Christ being raped and pillaged and I now stand accountable.
The Church (big “C”) has much to learn.
This is my first visit. Awesome post!
Sounds like you were looking for trouble when you first walked in.
fishon
This is how I’ve felt whenever I get the urge to hunt for a church. Thank you for taking the risk to write about this, so that church-goers can see what this experience is like for some people, including me.
My only thought is, “I wonder if Jesus would have felt this way if he visited my church this Sunday?” A sobering thought to be sure.
The only thing that compares are the many experiences I have had of “undesirables” coming into the church. I immediately felt that people were looking at them as if they didn’t belong. They made people uncomfortable, and yet I felt in my own spirit that these were the ones who should be in church – they are the ones who need Jesus desperately. You know the ones I mean; drunkards, addicts, prostitutes, homeless people, etc. But wait! Those were the very people Jesus hung out with weren’t they?
Jesus told us in scripture that when such people cross our paths that we should be aware, it may be Jesus in disguise to test the love we have for him. His parable of the sheep and the goats tell us a lot about this and should be even more sobering to us today.
May God change us into his likeness more and more and that we would drop the pharisaical facades that seem to characterize our churches today. Amen.
interesting. eisegesis maybe?
Without taking anything away from your experience, I was intrigued by what Fishon said. If one goes in expecting church to be a certain way, there’s a good chance it will be that way. Self-fulfilling prophecies of church? Hmmm . . . I’m not saying that simply how we foresee church being will make it good or bad, but I do think it’s part of it.
Great post. I might come back to read it several times. It reminds me of Anna Nitschmann telling anyone who was preaching to her to “go convert themselves”. Sometimes I feel like using that line too. I wish.
**He thinks back to how many services he sat through like that & wonders why it took him so long to leave. He then reflects upon how many times he had conversations with his ex-pastor, a man who had searching, probing eyes like that & is filled with revulsion at the memories. Finally, he emits a few tears: some are for the sadness he feels for people still trapped in such a system, while some are for the joy he feels at being liberated for the past 3-1/2 years.**
If so many people are feeling so discouraged with the established church, than what are we to do? I think the church is a way for people to support each other and bring in seekers, in our common bond of belief in God. We are to pull each other up when one stumbles. If there is no church community, how are we to do this? How are we to fight governments who would oppress religion, if we are standing alone?
What I am saying is that if anything is to improve, we need a better way, but we were never meant to go on this journey alone.
AB: What are we to do is a good question. One I always ask. Is it possible for people to gather together without coercion taking place? If we would walk with others, how do we love and remain free? How can liberation and community co-exist? These ARE the questions NOBODY seems to be asking!
Nakepastor,
What would be your definition of love {how do we love}? And define what you mean “remain free.”
I sure would be interested in knowing what your understanding of “liberation” is?
What might be your picture of a “co-existing community” living “liberated?
You do not need to answer me. You are much to busy. I just had the need to ask the questions.
MAKE IT a great day.
fishon
{didn’t catch any last night–and no snakes}
We can’t even get grace right. The feeling of obligation has affected me for sure. I know it’s wrong, but it’s like a spell has been cast on me.
What am I obligated to do? I’ll search for the answer a thousand times. Lord, please don’t let me spread this!
The thoughts and feelings you share are similar to what I sometimes experience on those rare occasions when I get to step down out of the pulpit and sit in the pew of an unfamiliar church. I’m especially quick to question the preacher’s motives, whether or not he is sincere, and what his agenda is. But then I get bogged down trying to figure out if it’s him that I’m analyzing/judging, or myself. I’ve never really been able to answer that one.
Something just occured to me. Weren’t you judging these people? And based on nothing more than what you thought they were thinking at that.
Just thinking out loud.
Beautifully written. Expectations and Agendas based on THAT denominations interpretation of the bible.
Is this a common theme of groups that feel they are dying? The underlying desperation and lack of confidence in the group would appear to be characteristic. The church you describe sounds like it’s slowly imploding.
How can a group like that be turned around?
This is a sensitively written piece. It’s the first time I’ve read anything like it. You’ve talked about coersion lots of times, but never about how it feels. I’m really quite astounded by the truth of it and affected by it as well. It’s made me feel it all over again – like it was yesterday….
davidbmc, would you ask other victims of abuse this question?
Julia,
I regularly read thi sblog and enjoy it. David is definitely more “progressive” than myself but i enjoy reading various views because I always learn things.
First, i am not sure what you mean by “victim of abuse.” According to this post, David visited a church and was extremely uncomfortable. I have no doubts that he genuinely felt that way. I am not sure though how he was abused. Maybe you can explain it because I missed it.
Second, a while back on this blog there was a huge discussion about how christians judge others and how wrong it is. As I was thinking about David’s post throughout my day, it occurred to me that he was judging these people. And from what he posted anyway,they didn’t really do anything to him. His entire post was about what he “thought” they were thinking.
In that discussion btw, I held the position that it is ok to judge. We have to make judgments all the time about many things. I believe that in Matthew Jesus was telling us not to judge hypocritically.
My point in the question that offended you was, David was guilty of judging these people, which he had criticized others for doing. Kind of like pointing to the speck in others’ eyes while he had a log in his own.
Don’t get me wrong-I am certainly no angel and probably have a log in each eye. But David is a big boy and I figured he would remember the earlier conversation and maybe it would give him something to think about.
I surely didnt mean to offend him and if I did I readily apologize. In fact, I’ll apologize even if I didnt offend him. Sincerely.
David, please accept my apology. I did not mean to be insensitive.
Love & Mercy,
David mc
Yeah, that’s it exactly.
Thanks!
davidbmc: i can’t see where this is being judgmental. they are simply my observations of what’s going on around me, and observations about what i’m feeling about them. i’m not offended at all. but i think more people need to become aware of what’s happening, and to be aware of what they are actually feeling. too many people turn off their discernment or just plain wisdom because the religious environment pressures them to.
If I do not feel oppressed or pressured, am I not discerning? Maybe I’m just not oppressed or pressured. I have been in the past. But I feel like I am now in a healthy well balanced church. But we do use the bible as a guidebook so I suspect you would feel pressured.
I’m not sure what a church could do that would not make you feel pressured.
My real question for you David, just because I’m curious about Julia’s comment, did you feel abused in that service?
From the earlier post I also think we dont agree on the definition of judgmental so I wont argue that point. If you dont feel like you are being judgmental i will accept that.
Love & Mercy,
David Mc
davidbmc,
I’ve read many of your past comments on this blog and have appreciated them. Please forgive my use of such an emotionally-loaded word.
When I read David’s piece, I was struck by the seriousness of this kind of church experience. David went once and left. There are so many people who have this experience Sunday after Sunday for a very long time. I did. I thought my discernment was judgment, so did not question as I should have (plus I was young, naive, and searching for God). I still think that going through this kind of thing (being “handled”) every Sunday is akin to some sort of abuse. I know it’s a strong word. Sorry if it offends. Perhaps I should have worded it differently. I don’t know if this clarifies any thing.
I think coercion is such a serious thing that if I didn’t attend a church that valued love, authenticity, and community, I would leave the church forever and not look back – and I’ve been going to church for a long time (though I’m not as old nor as wrinkled as the naked pastor)!
After reading through the comments, particularly the exchange between davidbmc and nakedpastor, I just couldn’t sit quietly by without adding my own …
I have regularly attended a couple of very conservative, fundamental (baptistic in doctrin and practice) churches aver tha last 33 years, and have observed some of what nakedpastor refers to here – the apparent judging and expecting of some behavior.
However … I have to agree with david, in that the entire piece seems to me to be both extremely judgemental, as well as prejudicial – in the exact meaning of the word – deciding judgement before the facts.
Whenever I go into a situation with firmly established expectations of what I expect to be the outcome, I find myself afterwards either smugly satisfied that my “prejudice” was correct, or picking the experience apart to find fault and thereby validate my pre-formed expectations.
Just my observation, but I think nakedpastor would not have been comfortable in a gathering of believers in the early first century church unless he found it fully in compliance with HIS expectations of what it should be.
Just my personal observation, and probably worth what you paid for it.
His smile is not sincere. It has intentions. His eyes have an agenda. I think he thinks he knows more about me than he thinks I think I know about myself. His soul is raping my soul,
Isn’t it amazing what one can learn about peoples motivations from a handshake? Amazing indeed.