When Your Deconstruction Confuses Your Partner

"Deconstruction Takes More than an Hour" cartoon by nakedpastor David Hayward
“Deconstruction Takes More than an Hour” cartoon by nakedpastor David Hayward

Deconstruction takes more than an hour.

Sometimes our partners don’t understand that.

When we experience the deconstruction of our beliefs, often our loved ones can’t comprehend what’s happening to us.

We don’t either! That’s the problem!

Even though both Lisa and I deconstructed, it was at different times, at different speeds, and with different manifestations.

For most of us, deconstruction is an involuntary process. We didn’t ask for it. It happened to us!

However, I do believe that those who deconstruct are by implicitly committed to personal growth, so in a sense you invited the deconstruction of your beliefs.

Because I believe deconstruction equals growth.

We just had no idea what it would feel like!

So, one of the most impossible things to do during your deconstruction is explaining yourself.

When your beliefs crumble, these old thoughts with their attending words no longer suffice. You’re looking for new ones.

You’re learning a new way of thinking and therefore a new way of speaking.

This is why it’s so difficult to comprehend and articulate the process while you’re in it.

Your partner might believe you’ve lost control, or that you’re being lazy, or that you’ve become non-committal, and that you’re backsliding, or you’re going through a nasty phase, or you’re just being a jerk.

The truth more likely is that you’re the victim of a profound but painful growth process and it might be a while before you’re okay again.

It isn’t helpful when they say, “Please stop!” That’s asking you to quit growing.

You’d rather hear, “You’re growing. Take as long as you need. I’m here for you.”

They might even add, “But I hope you’re not contagious because I don’t want what you got!”

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