Even right away you asked yourself, “How is a gay Calvinist possible?” Didn’t you? I’ll tell you how it’s possible, being the gay Calvinist.
I knew when I was 13 I was gay. I confessed it to my youth leader. These are the steps of theological logistics he dragged me through:
He suggested I’m not gay. I just have depraved and corrupt thoughts that become temptations, and that God was allowing me to be so tempted in order to build humility and holiness in me.
So, I tried that for a while. But I had to be honest with myself. The same-sex attractions I experience aren’t a deviation from who I am, but a natural expression of who I am. A temptation is only a temptation if the appeal is made to something inherent in who I am. The temptation has to touch something within me. Right? I mean, if I didn’t have any attraction to people of the same sex, then it wouldn’t be a temptation, would it? I was gay. I didn’t become gay. I came to realize I was already gay.
I was upgraded to a meeting with the pastor.
At first I was thankful because the pastor conceded I could be gay and that it was my orientation even before I knew it. God made me gay. What a relief!
“No,” he said, “this is not a good thing. Yes, God made you thus, but being gay is still depraved. It is not God’s perfect will, but his permissive will. You are a sinner and you need to repent. He loves you.”
“Wait! God loves me?”
“Well,” he insisted, “God loves in three ways: first, he loves everyone; then he loves the elect; finally he loves his covenant people most of all. You’re in the he-loves-everyone category.”
When I told him I’ve repented a million times to no avail, he clarified to me that no matter how much I repented, that I probably would not change because God has sealed me unto destruction, a vessel of his wrath, and that I was a living testimony to God’s righteous will and judgment.
“Wait!” I said, “Am I to understand that the sovereign God ordained me as gay and that I was bound in depravity to be an instrument of God’s wrath in order to show the world how sinners are surely condemned and punished and that I will burn in Hell forever because God’s will is perfect and his judgments are true and on top of all this I should worship him and be thankful that I am at least fulfilling his will for my life even though it’s one destined for destruction? But he loves me?”
Relieved, he said, “Yes, that’s it. In a nutshell.”
Genius. Just genius.
This too was probably predestined, but I left laughing. And gay. And he remained confirmed in his theology.