Every day I converse with people who have left the organized church. They are very spiritual people interested in living authentic lives of integrity, justice, love and vocation. But they are turned off of the institution we call church. I understand.
I had squirrels in my house once. Do you know how impossible it is to catch a squirrel? If they smell anything human on the bait, you won’t catch them. Same with my children and so many, many of my friends: if there is any sense of a trap, they won’t even come close. They can smell control and manipulation from a mile away. Even if the control is minor and sincere, they won’t take it. Not even a nibble.
Let’s look at the difference between a family and an institution. The problem with an institution is that it requires the sublimation of individual freedom to some degree. I think a healthy family is otherwise: it promotes individual freedom, nurtures it, encourages it and allows its expression. (Now, when it comes to hurting other people or themselves, then it needs to be addressed. Of course.)
Many of my friends and my own children want to be free. They don’t wish to sublimate their own freedom for the sake of an institution’s security or success. How is the church today different than Molech in the Old Testament that required the sacrifice of our own children for its existence? Can we be a collective, a community, a church, without requiring people to sacrifice themselves for it? Can individually free people gather together without allowing the principalities and powers to subtly take precedence and erode their own freedom for the sake of its own life?
My readers, these are serious questions for serious times.
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One of the greatest enemies of the church is fantasy.
Just like fantasy is one of the greatest enemies of a marriage.
Dissatisfied with reality, we create a fantasy of what we desire. The greater the fantasy, the greater the gulf between reality and the fantasy, the greater the dissatisfaction. It eventually ends in fracture, divorce, neurosis, spiritual death, all wrapped in a candy coating of quick recovery and delicious denial.
This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t work on our reality. Last night our church had an Open Round Table where we discussed how we are doing. Lisa and I, at times, need to sit down and ask ourselves if our marriage is healthy. Are we spending enough time together? Are we communicating? Is there anything we are overlooking? Are we being truthful to who we are, with ourselves and with one another? And these are questions we really do ask ourselves. But the worst thing I could do is to say to her something like, “Can you be more sexy, like Rachel McAdams?”
Fantasy is common fare. It is the air we breathe. And I find the church the perfect breeding ground for its propagation. We are aswim in fantasy and don’t even know it.
Prayer, bible study, worship, fellowship. It doesn’t get any better than that.*
But we wish it would.
(*Some might wonder where “mission” is. In my opinion, if we did these four things, our mission is accomplished. Being is doing.)
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I have never seen a miracle!
Having said that, I believe in miracle. I believe that there is wonder and beauty and the divine all the time. I live in miracle. What we call a miracle is the intersection of God’s activity and our perception of it. “God” is always active but we are blind to it. We don’t perceive it. But there have been times in my life when I have perceived it. Not just when the right amount of money shows up in the nick of time. Not just when something someone prophesied comes to pass. I believe these are miracles. But you and I both know that these can all be explained away. I’m talking primarily about the miracle of forgiveness and reconciliation, perseverance in the midst of suffering, the sunset. the flower, the river, the stars that fill the night sky. Miracle is all the time everywhere. I swim in miracle. Just saying.
But I have to come out of the closet and admit that I’ve never seen a “miracle”, like someone’s sight restored, or a limb replaced, or cancer cured, or the lame walk, or someone brought back to life (I’ll have to tell you the story some time of a guy who tried to get me to sneak into the back room of a funeral home just before the funeral was about to begin to pry open the coffin and raise the man from the dead. I weaseled my way out of that one!). Not that I don’t pray for these things to happen. And I will continue to do so. I am human and in times of great love or fear I cry out for any help at all. But I have never seen it happen. And I’ve talked to other pastors and believers who say the same thing. I’ve heard stories. I’ve read accounts. I’ve been at tent meetings and rallies and conferences where some claimed it happened. But I’ve never seen it. Just saying.
I prefer to deal with reality. I know I don’t always. But when I’m at my best I prefer reality. And I’m sick of the miracle talk that goes on, all in an effort to attract people and get them to sign up or give money or convert or commit. Or even with the misguided but good intention of trying to cheer someone up. I’m just tired of all the empty promises of always feeling God’s presence and increasing in his favor. I think it’s all a crock. I think it’s a desperate and deliberate dishonesty to allay fear and increase our sense of entitlement and security in what most people feel is a meaningless and frightening existence. As a pastor I feel enormous pressure to keep up the illusion. But I can’t. I won’t. Why? Because, all in an effort to trick ourselves into seeing miracles we blind ourselves to the beauty of miracle that surrounds us already. Just saying.
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Well everyone. I want to thank you all personally for following and reading nakedpastor. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, and there’s something I want to share with you.
For quite a while now I have struggled with the domain name, nakedpastor. It is a great and memorable name! It sticks in the minds of so many people, for good or ill. It has gotten the blog to where it is today. It captures so well one facet of who I am: a pastor who bares his heart, mind and soul online. I am introduced to complete strangers and I sometimes get the reaction, “Oh! You’re the nakedpastor!” Sometimes pleasant. Sometimes not.
However, there are two major problems with the name nakedpastor. One is: it is not a friendly name. For anyone who is in a public library, a university or college, at their place of work, or at home behind any kind of porn or accountability filter, nakedpastor is completely access denied! I want my blog to be accessible. So I’ve had a growing discontent and even frustration with the name “nakedpastor”.
Secondly, as a friend of mine put it, “David, one thing I have found when I switched to my own name as my domain name is that I forgot all about trying to tie into an identity that I had made up and I started being more … myself.” I am not only a pastor, but a cartoonist, a musician, and an artist. I believe in authenticity and in the freedom to integrate who I am in one person and in one place. I don’t want to divvy myself up into different personalities and sites. I want to give you all of me.
So: I have purchased and activated davidhayward.net. What do you think? I would love your thoughts on this. Reactions? I will always be nakedpastor. That is definitely a part of who I am. But what do you think about me eventually switching over to davidhayward.net? Will you still love me? I know it will take a few months to regain my footing, but is it worth it in the long run? I have in the past been accused of self-sabotage. Is this another case in point? Or is davidhayward a friendlier and more accessible name? Let me know what you think.
And, with affection I say, thanks again.
Contributions to nakedpastor are greatly appreciated.
David Hayward is a pastor artistically stripping to the essential.
