Today is an exceedingly sad day for happy reasons. Lisa and I are driving our youngest child, our daughter Casile, to university. It’s only 2.5 hours drive away, but we won’t be seeing her for a while. She’s a wonderful daughter and has become a great friend. So I’m going to be gone for the whole day. I’ll do my best to check emails and respond to nakedpastor, Facebook, Twitter and emails.

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I have often been in situations were there has been a strong disagreement and the distancing of parties. I have experienced broken relationships and long-lasting division. I have also witnessed this up close. As a result, I am very interested in and I could even say passionate about reconciliation. How can two parties come together again? What practical steps can be taken to bring reconciliation where there is brokenness?

Here are some very practical steps that can be taken. They are by no means easy. However, if we value peace over the privilege of being right, if we long for relationship over rights and unity over being understood, then these are valuable steps we can take to make manifest the unity that we value:

1. Find some fault within yourself that you can apologize for which may have contributed to the disagreement and division. Even if you initially believe it is totally the other persons’ fault, you need to try to meet the other person on the same level ground. It is a very uncomfortable and humbling thing to do. But if you value unity more than your own interpretation of what happened and who is wrong or right, then you will take extreme measures to bridge that gap. Reconciliation rarely happens by waiting for the other person to accept blame. Both parties always sincerely feel they are right.
2. Apologize exclusively for your attitudes or actions. Don’t’ expect anything in return but perhaps an acceptance of your apology. Don’t expect the other person to apologize. You might even receive a little tongue-lashing. Grin and bear it with grace. It is always the strongest person who takes the weakest position to initiate reconciliation. That means that it takes a great deal of strength… psychological, emotional and spiritual… to apologize first. Often your apology will open up a floodgate of good and healthy conciliatory conversation.
3. Wait patiently for a deeper shared ownership of the event that caused the division. If the apology repairs the gap, even if superficially, eventually, as your relationship deepens, more truth about the event will unveil itself. Hopefully to both of you. Sometimes I have apologized for something, thinking that the other person was just as at fault or more, only later to realize that I was mostly at fault. However, as time passes, both parties usually learn to share the responsibility, however the weight is distributed, and learn to live in peace and harmony. Perhaps, after sensitive negotiation, any necessary restitutions might even happen.

Wise people understand that guilt in the human race runs very deep and wide. Even in the bible, the wisest and most spiritual people acknowledged their participation in the guilt of the whole world. These discern that as one follows our roots deep into the ground of human history and experience, we are all complicit in the state of this world, including the fractures in human relationships.

By the way, these steps apply not just to individuals, but to larger groups and I believe even races and nations.

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There are all kinds of obstacles to your success. If they are not in your own mind, then they are in the minds of others. There are some people who encourage success. But there are also a lot of nay-sayers out there. As Hugh MacLeod of gapingvoid would say: “Ignore everybody!” (Get the book! It’s a good read.). I don’t know how many times in my life I have run into the attitude, “Who do you think you are?” Most people don’t say it, but they think it. Talk of success is really cool until one experiences it. Then many others grow resentful and suspicious.

I heard an interesting statistic the other day: people tend to pull away from friends who are very generous to others. The reason? They don’t like to be made to feel guilty for not being generous. They don’t want to be reminded of their lack of generosity. So the conclusion was that if you decide to become generous, be prepared to lose some friends.

But you will make new ones.

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It is often said that our god is too small. It may also be said that our world is too small. We start with the good news that the whole world is loved, that Compassion is for all things, and we end up with tiny, myopic, self-centered worlds, all separated from each other by our own categories and boundaries.

There is a Beloved reality that permeates all things… above, below, around, within and through. We must begin to detect it! This Compassion has thoroughly flooded everything and carries all in its current. This is the major theme of the New Testament. Is it not?

This truth… that all are now included… is what caused such consternation among the gate-keepers and joy among those who received it.

How can we build local spiritual communities that can enjoy the intimacy of relationship, mutual support and unity, while at the same time appreciating within these small communities a comprehensive and compassionate embrace of the whole world? How can we understand this Love as particular as well as universal, personal as well as common?

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