You, my readers, have become familiar with my good friend Sarah who lost her boyfriend, soon-to-be-fiancé to suicide on January 8 this year. Read here and here and here to catch up if you aren’t aware of what’s going on. The other day Lisa and I were visiting with her, having drinks and chatting, when she told a story that I thought you’d all like to hear about. It’s about how she’s felt God guiding her through her grief. I asked if she’d mind writing a post about that for nakedpastor. She sent it to me the other day. She also gave me the accompanying photo which I embellished with words. Nato took the photograph. Those were happier times. I doctored the photograph and received Sarah’s permission to post this creative endeavor of mine. I feel it expresses so many of the things she’s going through. By the way, she appreciates so many of the kind words this online community have given to her. So bless you!
So, here’s her story in her own words:
“My Guidance Through Darkness”
If you like this post, or if you'd like to use it, consider buying me a beer.Before Nato died, a few days before, I felt I should read psalm 57…”Be gracious to me O God, be gracious to me, for my soul takes refuge under the shadow of your wings. My soul will take refuge under the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed”. It didn’t really mean anything to me at the time. Then he died. He took his own life…’my soul will take refuge under the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed’. When we got home from Ontario, Nato’s funeral, the Lord said, “You’re going to be out for the next three weeks, lie down, but don’t worry, Nato and I are making the plans”. So I laid down. Again, later he said, “the next 4 days are going to be dark’, so I told my mom, “I feel that the next few days are going to be very dark, pray for me and take care of me’. And they were dark.
In March I sat outside one night having a smoke and was overwhelmed by starkness and terror that my love, my beloved, was gone, and that he took his own life. I felt the Lord say ‘ the third month is going to be the worst’. I came inside and told mom, and she told me that statistically the third month is the hardest because there is no shock left to buffer the pain and suffering. I’m glad I didn’t know that before. In that same moment outside with my smoke, I felt, or saw, the words ‘March 21st’, and ‘equinox’. I didn’t know what equinox meant, so I looked it up and the definition said, “When the day is longer than the night”. When the light becomes more than the dark. And March 23rd, I got dressed when I woke up, the first time I have felt like it since Nato died.
Though I may rant and cry through my grief and suffering that God is not faithful, He is.
One of the faithful contributors to this blog in the form of comments, Chris Gill, wrote me a personal email yesterday in response to my post about Sarah and I gathering up her boyfriend’s belongings last week. He’s given me permission to post it here for the public. Thanks Chris! Here it is:
Hi David, I just wanted to tell that I really like the painting in your post about Sarah and Nato. It reminds me of some of my favorite walks in the woods during my time as a survival instructor. It’s why I fell in love with Maine. The title throws me a bit though, I never felt lonely. I felt more connected to God in those moments far out in the wilderness than I ever have. I really like it (the painting that is). I have been praying for you and, especially for Sarah, a lot lately.I have only ever known two people who took their own lives and I hadn’t seen them in years before they did it. So, I can’t relate to the struggle that you and your church face. However, I know a Chaplin who gave a weekend safety brief that focused on suicide. He followed the pre-written curriculum issued by the military and left for a long holiday weekend. He received a call that weekend to respond to a service member who had left that brief and went home, got his wife and drove them both off a cliff. The Chaplin took it hard because he felt like he gave the kid the idea during his brief. During his long struggle to deal with that he came to a lot of conclusions about dealing with people who are hurting (whether they are suicidal or not). He threw the issued curriculum in the trash and reflected on the experience. In the end, his conclusions turned out to be very similar to your list of ideas on the subject and his new class on suicide prevention changed the way the military thinks about dealing with these issues (mine as well). My point is, that I feel you have really hit the nail on the head and, I hope you don’t mind, but I copied them and I will be using them in the future. My prayer is that Sarah will continue on her journey leaning on Jesus and held up by you and your church and ultimately finding peace. Stick with those ideas. It will save someones life someday. God bless, Chris
The painting is a creation of my friend, Tina Newlove’s called “Anger Grief Rage”.
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Sarah and I took a long trip yesterday to gather up the belongings left behind by her boyfriend Nato at various places. It was a month yesterday that Nato left us. It was a long, sad and exhausting day. She’s a good friend, and God knows I love her. What can anyone say? I’ve been reminded that people can still say stupid things though. Nervous. Trying to lighten things up. Dumbfounded. Or just socially inept. On the one hand you can’t blame them. How often do you experience this kind of tragedy? On the other hand, there were a couple of times when I wanted to say, “Tell you what. Why don’t you do Sarah a favor and just be quite for a while?!” There was a lot of silence between us as we travelled. She brought a bunch of cds, and she said she was going to take over Nato’s ambition to introduce me to the newest stuff. Even though many shared the pain at first, the pain is most intensely felt by Sarah now. It’s becoming apparent that some people are starting to get over it or want it to be over. But my sorrowful friend Sarah has to courageously continue down that long, sad road. In many ways the rest of this journey is hers. We’ll be there for her, but the expedition before her will be most deeply understood and navigated by her alone.
The painting above is one of my original watercolors called “Lonely Winter Walker”.
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I wrote these 10 points for myself, and thought I would share them with you today. Our friend Nato took his own life just weeks ago, and he’s left behind not only some precious memories, but some pretty serious thinking as well. So, although these are for me, listen in if you want:
- LISTEN: People aren’t necessarily fine. Just because someone looks and seems fine, it doesn’t mean they are. I’ve dealt with several suicides before. All of them are a shock, but some more than others. I’ve heard a statistic that about 80% reveal signs beforehand that suicide is an option. The other 20% are a complete shock to everyone, even those closest to them. I’ve learned over the years that people aren’t what they seem. I’ve learned not to be impressed with the persona that’s put out there. I always try to assume that people are wrestling with fundamental issues and many are carrying a great deal of pain. Hear what they are saying, how they are saying it, body language, anything! Underneath the calm can be a great deal of turbulence.
- LEAN: Find someone to lean on. Learn how to express what you are going through. Find someone who can listen to your deepest fears and most intense pain. Learn to not be ashamed of yourself and trust someone with your truest self. If you start thinking life isn’t worth living, immediately realize it is a lie. If you start thinking of suicide, for God’s sake, tell someone! If someone asks you if you are, be honest and tell the truth. Life is worth living! Don’t believe the lie. There is help out there! Try talking. Read More
Sarah Compton, my dear and beautiful friend pictured above, is grieving now. Nathan, the beautiful young man pictured with her, was affectionately known as “Nato”. He took his own life a few weeks ago today. Our hearts are unspeakably broken, and we miss him terribly. I recall with fondness the times he would visit our congregation with “his girl”, Sarah. Afterwards we would often gather at Sarah’s mom’s house for lunch and talk about music, theology and the state of the church over beer and wine. They were always good times. He shared my passion for music, and would always try to find something new that I hadn’t discovered yet. I loved how he thought refreshingly and radically about the church. He would often encourage me and I would feel that, perhaps just maybe, we were on the right track. I miss him, and always will… Read More
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As some of you may have gathered, I encourage people to ask questions or make comments right in the middle of my messages. I love the freedom, but let me tell you, it’s scary! Like today, for example! When there is a death in the congregation and we as a church need to process some grief, we open up the mic. So, following our friend’s suicide this week, we needed to work it through as a community. Today, it began with Trent leading worship and songs for an hour with communion mixed in there. Then I read from Lamentations 3:1-23. Kind of depressing, but ending with hope. Then I opened up the floor. There were lots of encouraging words, prayers, thoughts, and one even read from a sympathy card she was planning on sending the family. Then one man motioned for the mic, and I put it in front of him, and he said, basically, that if you commit suicide, you’re going to hell, plain and simple. I felt the blood drain from my face and my heart sink to my shoes. This is the problem with freedom: it must allow for freedom of speech and thought, no matter how uncomfortable. This was going to be the last comment and we were going to close in prayer, but now I guess not. In my mind I was kicking myself for allowing one more comment. A few people left because they had a family member kill herself just a couple of years ago. They were upset, understandably.
This is what I did: I thanked him for his comment. I kindly told him I disagreed with him. I explained that, again, only God is judge, he is a God of mercy, and we can’t judge anyone’s condition on just one act or we’d all be in trouble… etc., etc…. Others in the congregation dove right in. Okay, I’m thinking, we’re going to be here a little longer. Others suggested that maybe we all needed to let this open us up to a larger idea of God and his mercy, that we all are sinners, that we all depend on grace, and that we all, to some extent, are killing ourselves. Even to think that we haven’t “confessed” some sin before we die is a legalistic idea of salvation, because, as someone said, we all have sin that we aren’t even conscious of. The floor came alive with wise comment after comment.
So, this is what I think: although the gentleman’s comment may be untrue, it may have been unwise or calloused to say that at this time. But more significantly, this gentleman articulated the most popular Christian stand on suicide, and he laid the cards on the table. Earlier, one woman did ask publicly, “So, what IS our standing on this issue?” He gave it it’s true voice and it forced us to quit pussy-footing around and get down to the real issue and question at hand. Which is why I have this print of Simon Tookoome’s “Argument“. It is all one piece, with argument happening within the union. This is my idea of unity in diversity. This man needed to express what he believed. He may be echoing other peoples’ belief. But he also needed to be challenged. I shook his hand after and thanked him, and I saw others being kind to him afterwards also. Although it felt like a bomb went off in our midst and our initial reaction was panic and anger, the dust settled to reveal, I hope, a community wrestling with real issues under God.
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Mary Bell from Orlando, Florida, wrote this poetically written letter to me following the post about my friend taking his own life this past Monday. I received her permission to post it here because I thought it was an honest and accurate picture into her own struggle. Even though each one is unique, this is her story:
If you like this post, or if you'd like to use it, consider buying me a beer.I’m so sorry.
I commented, but wanted to say more:
I have had bouts of suicidal moments.
I understand the reasonings of the wanting to leave.
it’s not so much that you want to die
it’s that you just can’t continue to live.
not as things are.
and the Lies weigh so much more than the trues.
they are so convincing
and it’s just so hard to see anything BUT said Lies.
and all you want is the pain to stop
to ease
to get a breath
because your lungs are exploding
and the only thing you can come up with is death.
“death will stop this. and nothing else will. because I’ve tried everything else.”
basically, it’s a failure of imagination.
people say it’s very selfish.
and maybe so.
but I always hate hearing that.
I don’t want to think of myself as selfish.
but
if I am.
well
I am
aren’t I.
I am still breathing oxygen because Jesus has staid my hand
and held my hand
even there
even then
and
I’m happy to report
it’s been almost a year without my hand reaching for that comforting blankey of “then I will just kill myself!”
not physically making a plan – but the emotional comfort of going to that place of “I should just die. that will solve it!”
but I know just how it feels to see no other options.
to be at your end of answers.
so
if I could be of any assist
I am happy to.
I’m really sorry you all have this to go through.
it totally stinks.
for real.
I must tell you that when you are faced with death… death of another or the possible death of your self… it ought to do something to you. The losing of a friend this week has, once again, reminded me of what’s most important and what isn’t. As a pastor, it caused me to scold myself for farting around with non-essentials. We churches can get so caught up in such silly fluff, while all around us and even inside us there is anguish, suffering and genuine blood-and-guts battles for mere survival. I can’t believe the very real pain so many people are in. Even today I’ve spoken to at least a few people who are in very real anguish and are crying out for some kind of meaning, some kind of hope. Anything! Do they give a damn that she sang slightly off key on that high note, or that we didn’t feel the Spirit during worship Sunday, or whether the sermon was boring, or whether the decor was up to snuff? Seriously! They don’t! I’m admonishing myself this week to GET REAL! And as the pastor of this church, I say, “GET REAL!” Can we please quit rearranging the furniture on a sinking ship and get down to it! What really matters, I agree with Paul, is faith working itself out in love. Last night I listened to a gay person pour out her heart. The anguish, the torment, the agony. She LIVES in the garden of Gethsemane. I mean she LIVES there folks! Her soul sweats blood. Judgment, analysis and clichés just don’t belong inside this garden gate. Our friend died the other day because of torment. The scriptures don’t say that we are all like sheep without a butcher! It says we need the kind of comfort, security and care that shepherds give. Sorry this is so, so, unpoetic and frantic, but that’s just where I’m at. Peace out!
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A friend ended his life the other day…
an even better friend’s boyfriend.
I have passed hours and days with mourners,
accompanying a long and tortured night.
Though tears have been our constant food,
we are filled with questions that never stop.
There are no answers coming
except those that may help only for nought.
I can’t be anything but there,
at times in the way,
at times pointing to it.
But truthfully, I really don’t know,
for such times leave us dumbfounded.
David Hayward is an artist trapped in a pastor's body, stripping to the essential.
