I have never seen a miracle!
Having said that, I believe in miracle. I believe that there is wonder and beauty and the divine all the time. I live in miracle. What we call a miracle is the intersection of God’s activity and our perception of it. “God” is always active but we are blind to it. We don’t perceive it. But there have been times in my life when I have perceived it. Not just when the right amount of money shows up in the nick of time. Not just when something someone prophesied comes to pass. I believe these are miracles. But you and I both know that these can all be explained away. I’m talking primarily about the miracle of forgiveness and reconciliation, perseverance in the midst of suffering, the sunset. the flower, the river, the stars that fill the night sky. Miracle is all the time everywhere. I swim in miracle. Just saying.
But I have to come out of the closet and admit that I’ve never seen a “miracle”, like someone’s sight restored, or a limb replaced, or cancer cured, or the lame walk, or someone brought back to life (I’ll have to tell you the story some time of a guy who tried to get me to sneak into the back room of a funeral home just before the funeral was about to begin to pry open the coffin and raise the man from the dead. I weaseled my way out of that one!). Not that I don’t pray for these things to happen. And I will continue to do so. I am human and in times of great love or fear I cry out for any help at all. But I have never seen it happen. And I’ve talked to other pastors and believers who say the same thing. I’ve heard stories. I’ve read accounts. I’ve been at tent meetings and rallies and conferences where some claimed it happened. But I’ve never seen it. Just saying.
I prefer to deal with reality. I know I don’t always. But when I’m at my best I prefer reality. And I’m sick of the miracle talk that goes on, all in an effort to attract people and get them to sign up or give money or convert or commit. Or even with the misguided but good intention of trying to cheer someone up. I’m just tired of all the empty promises of always feeling God’s presence and increasing in his favor. I think it’s all a crock. I think it’s a desperate and deliberate dishonesty to allay fear and increase our sense of entitlement and security in what most people feel is a meaningless and frightening existence. As a pastor I feel enormous pressure to keep up the illusion. But I can’t. I won’t. Why? Because, all in an effort to trick ourselves into seeing miracles we blind ourselves to the beauty of miracle that surrounds us already. Just saying.
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About 20 years ago I read a theology book that I felt minimized some deep truths. The author had turned mysteries into candy. I was terrified that I would do the same thing: trivialize the truth for the sake of popularity. That night I had this disturbing image in a dream:
Years ago Lisa and I read an excellent little book called Codependency No More by Melody Beattie. At the time we read the book we were suffering the fallout for extricating ourselves from a toxic and codependent relationship with the church and some of its leaders. It had an impact on me because it got me thinking about my codependent relationship to the church. I deal with codependency all the time. I’ve come to the conclusion that one of the most prevalent codependencies is between a pastor and his or her church. I am prone to it just like everyone else. It is an ongoing struggle because, no matter how resolute I might be in maintaining a healthy relationship with my church, there is another partner involved… the church itself. The gravitational pull of all organizations is toward codependency, and it takes the diligence of both parties to strive for health between them. I personally believe that the helpers (pastors, employees, civil servants, clients, etc.) usually become the victims, and for a lone victim to stand up to an entire institution for the sake of his or her own health is often quite costly.
This list, as I looked over it before posting it, can apply to any relationship. It could apply to an employee’s relationship to his employer and company. Any relationship! Check it out and see how you do. In this list, I presume, for simplicity’s sake, that we are the codependent wife and our church, institution, company or whatever partner, is the husband:
- I believe I can change him.
- I depend on his money to live.
- I would rather be loved poorly than to not be loved at all.
- I believe there is a decent person deep inside of him.
- I can’t picture life without him.
- I help him. He needs me.
- I keep things calm by repressing my true feelings and personality.
- I accept that I am called to suffer for this, even though I am often sad or even depressed.
- I feel incredible guilt even when I just think about leaving.
- I can’t listen to the advice of others to get out. They don’t understand.
Can you say any or all of these things in reference to the relationship in question? Then it may be codependent and unhealthy and something may need to be done. And it is up to you! Tomorrow I might post on what we can do if we discover we are in a codependent relationship. Or, if it isn’t codependent but heading that way, what we can do to bring health into this relationship, if possible.
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This cartoon is inspired by the many times I have been told not to read the book I was reading at the time.
I had a dream last night:
Lisa and I and our family are in a distant place. We have become a part of that community. There is a man there who is mixing some kind of concoction. He says that it is a detoxifier. We learn that it is in actual fact a toxic substance that will cripple us and eventually kill us. There are so many people in authority who know about this but they are unable because they are unwilling to do anything about it. There are many people, mostly beautiful young women, who are emotionally trapped there. We perform a rescue/escape. Lisa and I are trying to convince this one young woman to escape with us. She is already crippled in her right leg and walks with a severe limp. She doesn’t want to escape. She is too dispirited to even try. I pick her up by the hand and we help her escape. But she is crying the whole time. She doesn’t want to be helped. We return with our family and some of the people to our old home. We are welcomed back by old friends. Lisa is talking to the young crippled woman who is so demoralized and despondent, trying to encourage her to let it go and embrace her new freedom.
I wrote this dream down as soon as I woke up because I knew exactly what it was referring to. In 2002 I was invited to join a major international ministry, Streams International Ministries, in New Hampshire. My task was to plant a church in New London, not only to provide pastoral care for the Streams staff, but to establish a renewal type of church in that area. We were invited by the director of Streams, John Paul Jackson. We had known each other for years. He had been a guest speaker at some of our conferences, and he expressed an appreciation for our style of pastoral ministry. Even though Rothesay Vineyard, and we, were heartbroken by our separation, we moved our family to New Hampshire in August with a lot of excitement and anticipation. Lisa and I felt we were moving into the fulfillment of our wildest dreams.
Within a couple of weeks I knew it wasn’t going to work. Read More
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Since I have qualified to make it on a few lists of blogs, most recently into the top 55 pastor bloggers, and since I am a pastor who has been blogging at nakedpastor for a few years, I figure this allows me to give some suggestions to pastor bloggers. This is not to say that I am good at any of this. But I do have some thoughts and experience as a pastor blogging. Here’s a list of 10:
- Anonymity: I don’t favor it except in extreme cases. If you are going to put yourself out there, then do it. Unless it’s extreme. The purpose of blogging, IMO, is to make formerly obscure information available to everyone. Obscurity defeats this purpose. Again, unless your situation is extreme, dangerous, sensitive or unusual.
- Originality: There are tons of blogs out there all saying the same things, quoting the same scriptures, repeating the same clichés. Although you may wish to remain rooted in your tradition, be original and creative in your thoughts and your articulation of them.
- Privacy: Do not disclose sensitive issues about your congregation or people in it, your friends or family… unless you have their expressed permission for certain stories. You might gain some readers, but you will definitely risk the alienation of your people. Avoid sensationalism for its own sake. Respect others always.
- Employment: You may run the risk of losing your job as a pastor if you upset too many or the right people. You will be expected to be conventional and orthodox and to fall within the bounds of normality and acceptability. Don’t let the blog rob you of time. I spend at the most one hour on my blog per day, and that includes drawing the cartoon and writing the post. The weekends I keep very light. Perspective and priorities!
- Care: Some of the readers you gather may become an online community that you might have opportunities to care for as a pastor. This includes moderation, which I find very difficult sometimes. I like diversity so I’m a very relaxed moderator. Once in a while I try to remind the nakedpastor community that we can challenge ideas, but not insult the person. Difficult to remember and do!
- Blogging: One of the things I had to realize is that blogging every day prevents you from writing perfected and completed thoughts. But I see this as completely valid: you are allowing people to observe you process your theology and praxis and person. Books are concrete. Blogs are concrete before it hardens. So your ideas and writing will be imperfect and sometimes outright wrong. Get used to it.
- Monetizing: If you are hoping to make big bucks from a religious blog, good luck! I tried and pennies trickled in. After a few years though, I have been approached by a few businesses offering bigger bucks. But it won’t make me a living. Yet. I talked with Problogger about this a couple of years ago and he agrees: religious sites will have difficulty making money.
- Networking: If you want to build a readership, it is important to engage with other bloggers, especially those who seem to be on the same page as you. I have made wonderful friends online and value them in my life. Plus, I just think there is value in online relationships. I feel that my life is enriched by these real people in far away places.
- Support: I have found it crucial to have some local moral support for what you are doing. I didn’t at first because I didn’t think nakedpastor would turn into anything. But it did, and now I couldn’t continue as easily without my support network locally and virtually. I might mention here the important task of critiquing the church. One of the church’s slogans, “Reformed and always reforming” means that, unlike a business who’s chief end is profit, the church is concerned with change and reform. So critique in helpful ways rather than sounding like you’re just trashing the church. This is one area where my supporters are especially helpful.
- Honesty: You can be as honest as you feel you can. But remember that there are others who will be affected. Some people can handle only so much. You’ll need to decide how far you are willing to go. You don’t want to become divided: one person online and another in person. Fortunately, I pastor a congregation that is, for the most part, tolerant or even supportive of nakedpastor. However, it is a tricky path that must be negotiated wisely.
I’m under no illusions about people who have left our community and who I no longer see. People who were friends of mine and aren’t any longer. Or people who, as far as I know, are still friends but who I don’t get together with anymore for whatever reason. Of course, that’s the nature of illusions: you’re not aware of them until they are pointed out. Like blind spots. You can’t see them. Like deception. The nature of deception is that you are deceived.
So I read emails and facebook and through the grapevine find out how great they are doing in their new churches and how wonderful their new pastor is and how happy they are and I always feel sad. Obviously not for them. For me. I do have a jealous bone in my body you know. I’ll be the first to admit it. I compare it to someone who’s spouse has left and found a better man. She’s so happy now. Well… I’m glad she’s happy. Now please don’t tell me any more about it because you’re tearing my heart out! And I suppose the hundreds of people I’ve experienced separation from have the right to be happy and finally find what they’ve always been looking for. But it still hurts that I couldn’t seem to satisfy them and that this community couldn’t provide what they needed. True: I purposefully didn’t supply some of their desires. And I couldn’t give them what they wanted because I wouldn’t. But that’s a whoooooole other story.
Sometimes someone will say to me something like, “If only people understood what you are about, then they would love it and our church would grow!” I always try to balance their view: these people who left aren’t stupid. They left precisely because they did understand what I was about and had major issues with it. I’m not silly enough to believe that if only more people knew about Rothesay Vineyard or me as a pastor or about nakedpastor.com, then there would be growth and success for me, my church and my blog. I’ll never fall for that one. In fact, the opposite is true: many, many people know about Rothesay Vineyard and have forsaken her, about me as a pastor and are offended, and about nakedpastor and abhor it. My problem isn’t that I need publicity. Publicity is my problem! But it’s not really a problem because it isn’t my goal to be famous.
Sometimes I wonder if there’s a dual aspect to Rothesay Vineyard: one is a small core of consistently committed people who will sign with their blood that we are in this together, who believe in it and invest heavily in its welfare; then there is the other group of people who believe in it and love it and call this their church, but who’s commitment is minimal, conditional, intermittent and sometimes even cautious. The thing is, you can never be absolutely sure who’s in which group. Some who I thought were lifers are suddenly gone, and some I thought would be gone a long time ago persevere with us. Those who have patted me on the back and said I’m with you forever are the ones doing that to someone else now. Those who have struggled remain. Go figure! One of my tasks though, I feel, is to be sure they all receive the same unconditional and indiscriminate care.
I live a very strange life. Wouldn’t you agree?
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Check out my tees HERE. I’m growing my inventory all the time. I have a Bonhoeffer design, Barth, Gandhi, as well as some other interesting ones. And check out my art HERE and HERE.
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David Hayward is an artist trapped in a pastor's body, stripping to the essential.
