I am a part of a stubborn community of people. But I’m thankful for that. It is partially because of our stubbornness that we are still here. But I’m thankful for it for another, more important, reason: they will not be coerced into doing something they don’t want just to fulfill some expectation, no matter how virtuous or noble.
The pressure to envision the community as something better or even other than what it is is inescapable and constant. My community, however, demands to be recognized and appreciated for what it is. For who they are! I always compare it to a loving relationship. If I constantly want my wife to look like Angelina Jolie, have sex with me every day, and worship the ground I walk on, then my expectations are eventually going to kill me and her. I will resent the fact that my fantasies are never fulfilled, and she will resent the fact that she herself is never loved. We will end up in divorce court because I refuse to see her, respect her and love her as she is, and she refuses to conform to my fantasies of my imaginary her.
I almost daily have to purge my mind of expectations, objectives, dreams, visions, goals and fantasies about my community or it will destroy me with disappointment , resentment and bitterness. The same for the community. If they constantly feel like they are never measuring up to my dreams for them, it will end in disaster. But the temptation is real because this is precisely how I was trained to oversee communities! This is how almost every community functions. And it is killing people and community. To unconditionally love these people as they are and this community as it is… that’s my commitment.
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I met with a good friend today who is a member of our community. I was sharing with her what I was feeling these days with people who’ve left, who’ve decreased their level of support, and who’ve pulled back in some way or another. I told her I find it hard to be optimistic in the face of such loss. It doesn’t seem to matter how hard I try or work, it’s like I’m carrying a leaky pail.
She admitted to me that she would like to be a part of a success story just once. All the effort that goes into doing the things we do at the grassroots level is just that: grassroots. It’s meaningful, but small. There’s no wave of people coming. There’s no fanfare. No recognition. There’s no measurable gain that we can enjoy. Although everything we do we do with a clear conscience, certain that we are to be who we are and doing what we do, there’s never any marked victory. Sure, we sold land and paid off our debt. But this doesn’t measure the health or success of our community. In fact, it could very well affect it adversely. But I know what she means. I’ve often wondered why, in spite of our constant efforts to be and do good, there’s no profitable gain from it. I want to be a part of a success story too. I would love to be presently rewarded. But no. We aren’t and I’m not sure we ever will be.
(Pull the camera back for wide-angle shot): This very desire… to be a part of a success story… is the problem! It blinds us to the present. It pollutes our thoughts and actions with ambitious desires for a lofty goal, the fulfillment of our visions and dreams that have been fabricated in our discontented hearts. It also blinds us to the subtle rewards we do enjoy that can’t be calculated. Are we content to be and do good and leave the results up to the Other? We can plant. We can water. We can tend. But the increase is a gift.
The fine art photograph is the creation of my friend Mark Hemmings, of Shinjuku Park, Tokyo, Japan. It captures a barren tree in winter. Who knows what spring will bring?
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I’m reading an interesting book, James Ogilvy’s, Living Without A Goal
I have come to believe that a life enslaved to a single Goal, no matter how noble, becomes a mechanism rather than an organism, a business plan rather than a biography, a tool rather than a gift.
I do realize that we set some goals for ourselves, such as when to set the alarm clock for, what direction to go to work, whether to use oil on canvas or watercolor on paper, what degree to apply for, whether to stay happily married to this girl or not, etc. However, as Ogilvy would agree, to set an overarching Goal that we enslave ourselves to leads to a mechanical kind of life. A friend recently told me they read that we should live our lives like a clock. Set goals and arduously meet these goals no matter what! Schedule every minute of your day and achieve what you intend! That’s a mechanical lifestyle that I think is intended for mental illness or leads to it. Rather, we can live our lives artistically. Creatively. Spontaneously. Mysteriously. Not all our actions have to be a means to some end. Instead of trying to manipulate the world, we can begin by appreciating it.
In fact, I would argue that the most creative life is the kind of life that doesn’t enslave itself to a Grand and Comprehensive Goal because the creative urge isn’t sublimated to this Goal. My most creative paintings happen when I just start painting without the end product in mind. Often, when I do plan and plot a painting, it becomes dry and artificial. Manufactured. I happen to believe that the most original and imaginative art is filled with what I call happy accidents.
This applies not only to my personal life, but to the corporate life of our community. The best moments in the life of our community have been accidental. Unplanned. Spontaneous. They have been creative moments, both in their inception as well as in their fruit. This doesn’t mean we don’t plan to meet, say, on Sunday morning. But we try to leave what happens that morning quite open and loose. Even the overall life of the community: we plan to stay a community, but how we live that out is full of adventure, risk and surprise.
The creative fine art photograph is by my friend Howard Nowlan.
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I am really not trying to be difficult. I’m not trying to just be a stick-in-the-mud, a nay-sayer, a pain in the butt. But I’ve seen something, tasted something, heard something, felt something, smelled something, experienced something. And I’m not willing to pretend it didn’t happen. It resounds with truth for me. You see, I’ve gone through extremely painful experiences, not only in the church but at the hands of the church. I’m not looking for pity. I abhor pity. Just as I abhor the opposite side of the same coin: flattery. The things that I’ve experienced have taught me something. They’ve taught me something very very important. I’ve come to see the primacy of freedom for the human being. And I’ve also seen how dreams, visions, agendas, goals, desires and passions enslave people. I’ve been there myself!
When I went through the horrific church split 10 years ago, it tore my heart out. The church was the fulfillment of a dream of mine. When it crashed, a friend advised me to simply get another dream. I immediately saw the vacuous but tempting trap that was being set for me. I rejected it. Since then, I reject dreams. I deny visions. However, a few times the temptations were too great and I fell to the temptation, only for my suspicions to be quickly and violently confirmed: visions and dreams by default destroy the beauty of the present and what is. I try not to concern myself with tomorrow. I endeavor to live in the now. I love what there is for me to love. I live my days. And I encourage others to do the same, including our church community.
Does this mean nothing gets done? Certainly not! I believe that this act of being present, living now, focusing on what is, centering down into the actual, is an enormous source of energy. Hasn’t it been said that doing the same mistake over and over again but expecting different results is the definition of insanity? But we in the church do exactly this! I’m done with it! We’re to be fools, I’m told. Sure, but not insane.
The fine art photograph is the creation of my friend Jorgen Klausen and is from his Mask Series.
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John Taylor Gatto, in his excellent book, Dumbing Us Down, critiques education in America. I read it and applied it almost across the board to religion, Christianity, and the church. In many ways he reminded me of Stringfellow’s work on the principalities and the powers. Here’s a quote:
Institutional goals, however sane and well-intentioned, are unable to harmonize deeply with the uniqueness of individual human goals. No matter how good the individuals are who manage an institution, institutions lack a conscience because they measure by accounting methods. Institutions are not the sum total of their personnel, or even of their leadership, but are independent of both and will exist after management has been completely replaced. They are ideas come to life, ideas in whose service all employees are but servomechanisms. The deepest purpose of these gigantic networks is to regulate and to make uniform. Since the logic of family and community is to give scope to variety around a central theme, whenever institutions intervene significantly in personal affairs they cause much damage. By redirecting the focus of our lives from families and communities to institutions and networks, we, in effect, anoint a machine our king.
We must recognize the power that the institution we call “church” has over our relationships as members of that institution. We cannot blindly assume that just because we are a part of the institution we call “church” that it necessarily means we are in authentic relationships. The institution and the relationships are in tension and are at odds with each other. In fact, the institution itself works to prevent true relationships from occurring.
I believe every institution’s unstated first goal is to survive and grow, not to undertake the mission it has nominally claimed for itself. So even if our church claims to be about authenticity and relationship, that may not be true. We may actually be willing to sacrifice true relationship for the sake of the perpetuity of the institution. I feel it is urgent to consider this. I realize this is a sobering thought, but I believe we need to be honest about this to-the-death tension that exists between institutions (particularly the church) and people if we are concerned with the wellness and freedom of human beings.
The beautiful fine art photograph is the creation of my friend Jorgen Klausen, and is from his “mask” series.
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Is it possible for people to gather without there being an agenda? In other words, can people gather without feeling that they need to “go” somewhere as a group?- Is it possible for people to enjoy the community without having a vision statement?
- Is it possible for people to stay in community with each other without a set of rules to follow?
- Is it possible for a community to be composed of people of all kinds of levels of faith and even of no faith at all, or for those who hold a vastly differing views of scripture to keep fellowship?
- Is it possible for people simply to gather without a goal that they must agree to?
- Is it possible for a community to exist without being controlled by leadership?
- Is it possible for a person to be a welcomed and appreciated part of the community who disagrees strongly with the pastor or leader on some major issues?
- Is it possible for people from all across the cultural, social and moral spectrum to love each other face to face in community?
- Is it possible for a pastor, priest, minister, leader, imam, master, or whatever, to “allow” a wide and opposing variety of opinions even though he or she may strongly hold his or her own and teach it?
- Is it possible for a healthy community to exist long-term and to thrive in good works without a mission statement, a vision, or a goal?
The beautiful photograph is the creation of my friend Mark Hemmings.
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David Hayward is an artist trapped in a pastor's body, stripping to the essential.
