david hayward. artist. cartoonist. teacher.

Colossians 3: 14, extolling love, peace and unity, suggests that the burden of unity rests upon the offended, not the offender. As we have been forgiven, so we forgive. The supreme example is Jesus forgiving his murderers even while they are in the act. We cannot wait for repentance, restitution or retreat in order to enjoy peace. It is up to you and it is up to me to forgive and clothe ourselves with love. Now.

It begins with me. There is no point in giving me steps to peace if I don’t believe in peace to begin with. There is no use in explaining to me how to live in unity if I don’t value it, think it is impossible, or have a fundamental resistance to its manifestation. Laws might be made and kept to convey unity and feign peace, but these laws only betray my propensity towards hate, division and war.

Rather, it is urgent that I look inward. Why am I not at peace with the other? Why is it I cannot love the other? I might think it is because of anger. But what is at the root of my anger? Perhaps it is hurt. But what is at the root of my hurt? Perhaps it is fear? If I look closely enough, observe these movements in my mind, then I will begin to notice the release of this fear, the hurt, and even the anger.

I recently spoke with a friend who’s wife left him. He was bitter, angry and alone. He couldn’t forgive her. He was so angry with her. We talked. After a while, he noticed that his anger was rooted in hurt… he was deeply hurt, betrayed by the one he loved. We talked some more. He began to notice that at the root of his hurt was fear… fear that he would be betrayed, forsaken and finally abandoned. Once he recognized these movements in his mind, he noticed his anger begin to dissipate. After some time he even began to notice his capacity to trust in love again. The peace with his ex-wife began with him. In his own mind. Not by her repentance, restitution or return.

In today’s atmosphere of the interweaving of an incredible diversity of cultures, philosophies and religions, it is so easy for misunderstandings to occur. It is so easy to offend and be offended. If we could get past our anger, past our hurt and observe our fear of the other, perhaps we will watch our divisions dissipate. Maybe even a willingness to live in peace with the other will arise. If we will have an attitude of forgiveness (be-fore it is requested or required, give whatever is needed to make peace), then unity will be enjoyed.

Okay. I’ve been through a lot in the church. I’ve experienced some pretty traumatically nasty things. Church split. Fired. Resigned. I’ve experienced countless loss of friends, betrayals, and abuse. I’m not whining. I’m just stating some facts because I want to talk about forgiveness. Something I’ve had to do many times. As it has been done for me.

It’s interesting when these things come up in conversation, the topic of forgiveness often comes up too. Some super-spiritual people assume that if you go through these horrendous things and you still feel the pain of it or talk passionately about the trauma, then you haven’t forgiven. I just don’t agree with that at all.

I was saying to Lisa yesterday that I wish I was like some wise guru who could, after he’s been seriously hurt, just take a deep cleansing breath and let it all go instantly… like a balloon. But I’m not a wise guru. No argument there.

I was talking with a friend the other day and we were asking ourselves how you know when you’ve forgiven someone. What is the test of forgiveness? Here some things I’ve concluded:

1. First of all there has to be the admission that the person really did hurt you. It doesn’t do any good denying that he didn’t actually hurt you or that you didn’t feel it. Forgiveness can’t even begin with this attitude.
2. It certainly doesn’t mean you no longer feel the pain of what happened. Forgiveness can be extended to the one who wounded you. But it doesn’t mean the wound loses its sensitivity.
3. It is important to say “I forgive you!” Or, if it isn’t possible or prudent to say so to the person, to pronounce, “I forgive so and so!” Speaking truth into our situation is a powerful reshaper of reality.
4. You are willing to consider restoring the person to the original nature of their relationship with you before they hurt you. Willing. But in some cases this would be unnecessary and even unwise.
5. A test for me has been that I have been able to have a cordial conversation with the person(s), and even have coffee together or a meal. This isn’t always necessary, or wise, and sometimes not even possible. But when I felt it was possible, safe enough and helpful, I’ve done it.
6. Trust is often seriously damaged. It is valid to acknowledge that perhaps the person can’t be trusted with the responsibility to be trusted at the level you trusted him at. Read that again. I meant it.
7. The hurt doesn’t deliver dysfunction to your life anymore. You have genuinely been healed of the cancerous dis-ease. When the memory emerges from out of the depths by surprise, it doesn’t completely derail your life for an extended period of time.
8. You are able to speak positively about the person (if that is possible). You can look beyond the personal hurt she inflicted upon you and see that she is not necessarily a monster, but that she is human just like you are, sometimes prone to make mistakes that hurt others, and that she has the chance to move beyond such destructive behavior.
9. You can do all the above without them acknowledging their wrongs or apologizing for the wrongs they’ve done to you. Often people hurt us completely unaware of the ramifications of their destructive words or behaviors. I say this because Jesus exemplified this purest kind of forgiveness when he forgave his murderers. They didn’t know what they were doing.
10. Final and most important test: you are willing to risk loving and trusting again.

There could be more. But hey, you know me with my lists of 10.

Yesterday I brought up a subject that caused quite a stir in our community. But first, I spoke for a while about how we are often being prepared something necessary and good in the midst of our adversaries and adversity. God is not flustered by adversity. Neither need we be. The bible assumes we will have adversaries and adversity. It is part of life. It is how we live in the midst of this that the bible addresses. God doesn’t see adversity as a malevolent alien to our life, but a part of our life. God prepares a table for us in the midst of it, not once it is over.

After I spoke on the issue of adversity for a while, I informed the community that the idea has been tentatively raised that the church that split off from us might be interested in renting our building as their meeting place. I don’t think I’m speaking out of school because the issue is now public. There are no secrets. I opened up the floor for discussion and there was lots said and emotions expressed. I loved it… not because we are anywhere near a decision or anything like that. I loved it because these people feel free to speak their minds, no matter how shocking or disturbing or unprocessed it might be. The sign of a healthy community is not having it all together, but being able to speak freely.

I came to the conclusion, almost as soon as people started to share their concerns, fears and questions, that the conclusion isn’t going to be the most important thing, but the process. This will be good to go through all these tangled notions and emotions and pull our forgiveness to a deeper place and our wisdom to a richer expression love. I don’t know how it is going to turn out. I think forgiveness and love can be expressed either way. And right now I don’t care. All I know is that this community will be better for even thinking about it. And for that I’m grateful.