Sometimes, when it all comes down to it, you just want to be able to feel. The last thing I want to go is my ability to receive and give love. Keep my heart going!
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Last night I had a dream:
I’m preaching in a large older church. I’m telling them that what I fear when I wake up on a Sunday morning is not the preaching, that I’ll preach a poor sermon or get the words wrong and embarrass myself. What I fear is that I will not be serving Jesus Christ, but instead the organization, giving it what it wants to hear rather than the truth. What I fear is compromising in order to keep my job. This is my greatest fear.
Then, this older, well known, rich and established preacher challenges me and tries to interrupt me. He gets in my face. I try to keep going but he gets more and more aggressive, trying to correct me until he finally grapples with me, forcing us to the ground. He karate chops me on the neck. I’m trying to ask for help from those around but no one helps. He finally gets up and starts to leave. I ask why he did that to me. He does not answer me.
Tonight our church is having our mortgage burning celebration. This is a big deal! Ever since the devastating church split we suffered in 1997, we’ve carried the weight of a huge and debilitating mortgage. There have been more times than I care to remember feeling that we weren’t going to make it. All it would’ve taken was one bad Sunday to shut us down. I really wondered if God simply brought me here to crash this church safely into the ground. We’ve been riding the razor’s edge for so long that we’ve become rather accustomed to it. Now, with no mortgage, we’re like calves let out of the stalls in springtime. We really don’t know how to handle the wide open space before us. But we’re happy to give it a try!
Many people have been invited to come, including other Vineyard leaders. I feel awkward. Ever since I was a child I’ve felt I thought differently. I was different. I kept this to myself. I was the most obedient and compliant child. I never challenged my father outwardly or any other authority. Inwardly, I knew I had my own thoughts… my own way of thinking and being and doing. I’ve always feared that I would be rejected because of my uniqueness. I’ve always feared that if I came out I would be discarded. I’m still that way. I know I think differently. I know I behave differently. I know I am different. In fact, I’ve been called defiant in my uniqueness. But at the same time I have this fear of rejection because of it. I am this strange mixture of defiance and compliance. I feel this way with the other leaders that are coming tonight. I want to be myself. But I want them to accept me.
So I’m nervous. I’m nervous for me and for our church community. I feel protective of our uniqueness. But at the same time I feel the temptation to be ashamed of it. I feel defiant that we have the right to be unique, independent and autonomous. But at the same time I feel the need to be accepted, endorsed and loved. I realize this is my issue. It’s my stuff. This is an awesome community. I’m deeply proud of them. They are my crown. I love them. I know other communities are coming to share in our celebration and rejoice with us. So I’m trying to relax and enjoy this fantastic day in the life of our community. I’m going to try to frolic in this new freedom that’s been suddenly and surprisingly handed to us.
The picture is of a large watercolor painting of mine, a self-portrait. It took me forever to paint and is now in the private collection of a local collector. Notice the three trees are actually crosses. I call it “Self-Portrait: Cross Stream”. Prints are available here.
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(ADDED NOTE: My image in this post is available on T-shirts, etc., HERE.)
Several time over the past years I’ve had people say that they detect lots of pain in our congregation. With the best of intentions they say that they also sense that this pain will pass and the church will move into its destiny of a great and wonderful future. I used to cling to those kinds of promises because the pain we were experiencing as a congregation is so intense. Like them, I considered the suffering a stepping-stone to a greater and easier life and ministry.
After years and years of this kind of delusional thinking, I’ve come to the conclusion that pain and suffering are a fact of life. They are not things to be avoided, but recognized and understood. We must make peace with this reality. In biblical language, we so desire to wear the crown without the cross. True life actually bears the imprint of the cross. The cross permeates all of life. And the crown is thorny.
Even yesterday, I encouraged the community to begin to discern that meaningful life and true ministry is already happening in the midst of their suffering, that our community is being true and doing the work in the midst of the trials and tribulations. We must rid our minds of the universally pervasive illusion that once the problems and obstacles are past, then we’ll move into our glory. Not so. Our glory is in the cross, not after it.
Yes, their is pain and suffering. We don’t deny it. And we don’t deny it because we believe that it is through our obvious weakness that the truest life and work is being accomplished. To some, this is the aroma of death. To others, to those who can discern, it is the aroma of life.
This painting is one I did years ago and is called “The Narrow Way”.
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Martin Luther, in his pivotal book, The Bondage of the Will, writes:
In every creature St. Paul, with his sharp, discerning, apostolic eye, perceived the holy and beloved cross.
It reminds me somewhat of Mother Teresa who saw in everyone, including the lepers of Calcutta, the face of Jesus.
The photo is from Mark Hemmings’ photography.
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A. W. Tozer, in “The Old and the New Cross”, writes:
The new cross does not slay the sinner, it redirects him. It gears him into a cleaner and jollier way of living and saves his self-respect. To the self-assertive it says, ‘Come and assert yourself in Christ.’ To the egoist it says, ‘Come and do your boasting in the Lord.’ To the thrill-seeker it says, ‘Come and enjoy the thrill of Christian fellowship.’ The Christian message is slanted in the direction of the current vogue in order to make it acceptable to the public.
The philosophy back of this kind of thing may be sincere but its sincerity does not save it from being false. It is false because it is blind. It misses completely the whole meaning of the cross.
The old cross is a symbol of death. It stands for the abrupt, violent end of a human being. The man in Roman-times who took up his cross and started down the road had already said good-bye to his friends. He was not coming back. He was going out to have it ended. The cross made no compromise, modified nothing, spared nothing; it slew all of the man, completely and for good. It did not try to keep on good terms with its victim. It struck cruel and hard, and when it had finished its work, the man was no more.
The picture is a detail from Barry Moser’s etching, “Crucifixion”.
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Walter Brueggemann, a theologian who writes prophetically about the need for the prophetic in the world and church today, writes:
Contributions to nakedpastor are greatly appreciated.In the Christian tradition, having been co-opted by the king, we are tempted to legitimate the denial by offering cross-less good news and a future well-being without a present anguish.
David Hayward is a pastor artistically stripping to the essential.
