When I wrote yesterday that our community is still in adolescence, I should have been clearer. So today I’ll try to clear it up a bit. No… no one called to complain. Yet! I think, generally speaking, the overall attitude of our community right now is adolescence. But we exhibit signs of adulthood too. It is like we are in a transition stage, moving from adolescence to adulthood. As a community. We’re kind of like my son one day years ago who was demanding to be respected as an adult and that he was entitled to his own opinion. The next minute we found him playing with Lego on the floor.
I’ve read recently, and I can’t remember the place I read it, that one of the major complaints of people who have been in church for years and years… those who have stayed and those who have finally left… is that they don’t feel they were allowed to grow into adults, that the only stage that was acceptable and that was nurtured was childhood. I think this is true. As soon as people start acting like adolescents spiritually and practically, it causes many leaders serious concern. People are discouraged from thinking outside the box, experimenting with new ideas, and making mistakes. Adolescent attitudes and behavior are frowned upon. No wonder most people in church never make it to spiritual adulthood! They aren’t allowed to be adolescents first.
Which reminds me of my three kids. They were wonderful as children. They are now wonderful as they are and grow into adults. But I would’ve traded them in during the adolescent years for a Big Mac! But nobody offered. Just kidding. I wouldn’t have traded them in… for a Big Mac. But the adolescent years are the most difficult, the most challenging, the most stretching, the most stressful, the most disturbing stage of human development. The temptation would be to keep them as children who are happy with, “You’ll do as I say because I’m your father. Just because I said so!” And punish them if they don’t. The adolescent stage is for learning how to be an adult with independence, confidence, wisdom and compassion. And it is gruesome getting there!
So, I hope I’ve explained myself better. We are, as a community, trying to think and behave more like adults. We’re not that yet. But I’m optimistic we will be and we’ll be better for it.
The painting/ drawing is one I did of my adolescent son waiting for his school bus on a cold, dark winter morning.
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My thoughts are that we should not try to be anything special as a community. Lisa and I were talking about this last night. It is adolescent to try to be special, to just do things to be popular, rebel against anything that you don’t want to be, to fight for the you who stands where you are. I mean, all this is necessary on the way to maturity, but a sign of maturity is moving out of your uniqueness which you have discovered and embodied to help and serve others. “I got to be me at all costs,” is not the end. It is on the way. Compassionate love is the end. I think our community exhibits many signs of adolescence right now. Example: we won’t do things when they are expected. This is adolescent. Maturity is serving someone even when it is expected, or worse, even taken for granted.
It is very difficult to move from adolescence to adulthood. It means giving up what we think is our liberty, our self-identification, our radicalness, our selves. It means giving in, in a way, to the needs of others. Generally, adolescents don’t give a damn about the needs of others, especially if it encroaches on theirs. A mature person does care and will do something about it when presented with the opportunity. A mature person serves even when it costs something precious. To adolescents, the biblical and Jesus-like idea of pouring yourself out for others feels suicidal. For a mature person, an adult, this is the meaning of life.
My community isn’t yet at the place where it is being free, authentic and honest solely for the sake of others. We still care too much about ourselves, what people think, how we come across, and what we are trying so hard not to be. At some point I’m hoping our community will be able to say, “Ya, we’re special. Sure, we worked hard and it cost us dearly to be this. Big deal! Here, let me help you.”
The picture is a pencil drawing I did recently. It says something about being together, even in the darkness.
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David Hayward is a pastor artistically stripping to the essential.
