I wrote these 10 points for myself, and thought I would share them with you today. Our friend Nato took his own life just weeks ago, and he’s left behind not only some precious memories, but some pretty serious thinking as well. So, although these are for me, listen in if you want:
- LISTEN: People aren’t necessarily fine. Just because someone looks and seems fine, it doesn’t mean they are. I’ve dealt with several suicides before. All of them are a shock, but some more than others. I’ve heard a statistic that about 80% reveal signs beforehand that suicide is an option. The other 20% are a complete shock to everyone, even those closest to them. I’ve learned over the years that people aren’t what they seem. I’ve learned not to be impressed with the persona that’s put out there. I always try to assume that people are wrestling with fundamental issues and many are carrying a great deal of pain. Hear what they are saying, how they are saying it, body language, anything! Underneath the calm can be a great deal of turbulence.
- LEAN: Find someone to lean on. Learn how to express what you are going through. Find someone who can listen to your deepest fears and most intense pain. Learn to not be ashamed of yourself and trust someone with your truest self. If you start thinking life isn’t worth living, immediately realize it is a lie. If you start thinking of suicide, for God’s sake, tell someone! If someone asks you if you are, be honest and tell the truth. Life is worth living! Don’t believe the lie. There is help out there! Try talking.
- LOOSEN UP: Follow your passion. Find out now what you really, really want to do in life and pursue that. Since Nato’s suicide, some people who knew him have actually quit jobs that they hated or are contemplating doing so, figuring correctly that life’s too short to be stuck in something that’s killing their soul! Why stay trapped in a cell to which you hold the key in your own hand? Go for it! Be released!
- LET IT GO: Money ain’t everything. So what if you are in debt up to your eyeballs! So what if you seem forever to struggle for money. Some people feel so overwhelmed with money problems that they see no way out of the trap and would rather escape the whole world than deal with it. This is related to the point above, but settle it in your heart right now that it doesn’t matter how much or little money you have, joy is the possession of everyone, including you, no matter what size the bank account or the burden of debt.
- LOVE: Love the one you’re with. I mean really love them. Don’t believe the myth that the grass is greener on the other side. The one you fell in love with years ago might be gone tomorrow. You might be gone tomorrow. Love is the greatest! So do it, and do it now. Don’t wait for perfect conditions. Love Lisa. Love your kids. Love them unconditionally. Extravagantly! Stop holding back, being reserved and cautious. Love her like there is no tomorrow.
- LIVE and LAUGH: Stop and smell the roses. Enjoy life. It isn’t all about working, making money, paying bills, chores, deadlines. It is about life. It is about enjoying the trees, the sunsets, the walks, the drives, the stars, the music, the wine, the people, the movies, whatever. Take it all in. Drink life to the dregs. Live every day as though it were your last. You’re taking life too seriously. Have fun. Enjoy what you have and enjoy what is. I am surrounded by all kinds of things to enjoy and to rejoice in. Gandhi’s mantra was “joy”. In spite of indescribable struggles and hardships, joy characterized his demeanor. Rejoice! Again I say, rejoice!
- LOSE IT: Don’t put up with the crap. Suddenly, some things are no longer important to those of us left behind. When faced with death or other kinds of great loss, superficialities lose their appeal. Things that waste time and energy and money no longer tempt. Things that are fake are forsaken. It’s time to get real! If you smell crap coming, reject it! If you detect it in yourself, dump it! Hate hypocrisy! Abhor pretension!
- LEARN: Learn that God is far more mysterious than you give him credit for. You so want to believe silly notions about God because they give you a false sense of security and comfort. Suddenly, this kind of tragedy makes you realize that God and life aren’t as simple as you’d like or thought. God is very unlike you, and his ways are not your ways. He doesn’t subscribe to your neat little packages. You are swimming in an endless, fathomless ocean of profound, beautiful and terrifying mystery!
- LEAP: Take some chances. Live a life of risk. Do what you’ve always wanted to do. Take that trip. Try a new venture. Start that business! Sell all you have and give to the poor. Whatever it is that you’ve dreamed of doing, give it a shot. Life’s too short to live a life of just dreaming, of caution and inevitably of regret. Take that extraordinary leap of faith. What are you waiting for?
- LET THEM BE: One of the consistent burdens that you carry are the expectations put upon you by others. Of course, you need to learn to resist carrying other people’s expectations they place upon you, but my point here is that you need to let people be! Don’t thrust your goals for others upon them. Not even your children or wife! Release people from your desires. Let people be free to choose their own destiny, to find themselves, to live as they see fit. Loosen your hold on others. They are already extraordinarily beautiful!
In conclusion: Picture yourself on your death bed. What will be filling your heart and mind at that moment? Money? Job? Vocation? Cars? Houses? Possessions? Projects? Goals? Expectations for others? No! Your heart will be bursting with gratitude for those who’ve loved you and for those you’ve loved. The only regret will be that you didn’t love and receive love more freely and unconditionally. So start now!
The beautiful, life-filled photograph is from my friend, Jorgen Klausen’s Mexico collection. Thanks for listening in.
Contributions to nakedpastor are greatly appreciated.
David Hayward is an artist trapped in a pastor's body, stripping to the essential.
A lot of truth here. I linked to this post on my blog and hope some folks who don’t normally visit here take a look.
Beautifully said Dave.
Folks like to think of God as safe…… like you said, He is not what we think He is. Let it all go and learn to love the dangerous path. Great thought, David, I’ll be pondering this over the weekend. God Bless.
Thanks for sharing this. Everyone I know, especially me, could use a copy of this one.
Very interesting topic Dave..
I think that life will always have its highs and lows and how we react to the circumstances is how it will affect our lives or not…. Living in the moment would take a great deal of FAITH and trusting in God..
People are so bombarded with pressures from external and internal environments,family children, sickness, depressions and everyday stuff that life is passing us by!We really need to be still and deeply ponder that thought internally…We only get one chance at this..Once it has been said “This is no dress rehersal”….DEEP…
I think to live life with no expectation of others= no dissappointment.However I think it would be difficult to not have expectations on our children..We just want the absolute best for our children and some times that comes with expectations..
I know that God has brought me to a place that I can truly love and enjoy people, I have met some really great people this past two weeks..people are loving and generous and full of life..I think when God brings new people into our lives that we have an opportunity to bless them and be blessed by them..If we open ourselves to not hold expectations and be able to sit back and enjoy the ride!!
I have always prayed over my girls that who ever in their days the come in contact with that they would bless them and be blessed by them..(blessing come in many different ways a kind smile, word, thought whatever it may be..)
Friends are blessings and they fill us up when our tanks get low..
well said pam.
re: Love fully.
After 14 years together I am finally clueing in. Love changes. not to be corny, but the ocean analogy really works for me. the ocean is never the same. Sometimes times the waves crash in with such force and power that it really lifts you off your feet. Other times the surface is flat, and not much seems to be happening. Other times the tide is out, way out, and the rocks are plainly visible. The patience part of love knows the tide will return, and you await with shared expectation, or dash in as deep as you can. Eitherway, I am waaay over my head. my maritime roots are showing!
I am a christian who suffers/lives with bipolar disorder and depression before my meds I had a complete breakdown and had to be hospitalized.
I could never have gone to anyone in my church or family with my suicidal thoughts because I would have been “rebuked” So I felt trapped and I felt like i was drowning and had no other choice but to go ahead with the act and not ask for church counsel.
But God found a way, I was talking ot a friend of mine, a dear friend, who does not serve the Lord and God used him to rescue me. When no one was there God used the one person I least expected to reach me and i am hear today because of him.
My point is your lesson is being shared and it should be as a matter of fact it is something our pastors, and leaders should be aware of and pass it on.
Where can a depressed Christian turn if he/she doesnt feel comfortable enough to share without being judged, laid hands on or even brushed away.
I still deal with my depression and I am taking my meds but as apastors wife who could NEVER reveal that part of my life without being shunned.
Be Blessed
That’s simply beautiful, David. Thank you.
Debbie: Thanks so much for your comment. I’m sorry you don’t feel safe within a christian community. It is something we try to foster here, but I realize it is well nigh impossible and very rare indeed. There are people in my church who suffer with depression, take meds, and aren’t shunned for it. In fact, openness breeds openness, which in turn breeds healing, I think. I hope you find this.
this is my first time on your site and i just wanted to say kudos on the inspiring writings.
i also wanted to ask, out of sheer curiosity, what denomination you pastor for?
my most sincere condolences about your friend as well. i have lost a number of friends/family the same way and it’s never easy… take care of each other at this time.
Any things that don’t start with “L”?
This is so excellent, it truly is. Here’s what strikes me: Those who know me best know that over the past few years I’ve become very passionate about people following their passion in regards to how they choose to make a living. I cringe inside when people say that your job doesn’t define you, it’s just what you do so you can support your family and do things you enjoy in your off time. That’s not only a load of crap, it’s a cop out. Why should any of us, father, mother, sister, brother waste our time doing something that doesn’t inspire, enliven, and recharge us. Not even the excuse of having to support your family is legit because you aren’t doing your loved ones a favour by denying them the empowering influence of living with a person who feels fulfilled more often than not. It’s a wonderful enough thing to even just begin to long for something more and ponder making a change. At least that’s a start in the right direction!
Any ways, this is a good list and worth tucking away to reread once in awhile.
well said. I need to remember this as I go about my days. Don’t sweat the small stuff is a lesson I am trying to learn.
Dave,
So glad Amber linked to you. These are great reminders about life and a few things really hit me. GREAT STUFF!
PS
Suicide is the hardest type of death to deal with (I’ve dealt with three and made an attempt myself so I know what I am talking about). I have a lot of empathy for those who have lost all hope, and sometimes even if we listen, even if we believe they will do it and watch them constantly – if they really want to, they will find a way.