If someone asked me, “If there was just one book you would recommend on the topic of marriage, which one would it be?“, I would respond David Schnarch’s Passionate Marriage. It is profound. And it applies to any kind of relationship, not just marriage. But here’s a couple of quotes from the book I would like to just mention today:
Crucibles are always interlocking. When one partner goes into his crucible, the other partner goes into hers– or gets out of the marriage.
and…
Carl Jung said, ‘To become acquainted with oneself is a terrible shock.’ It’s hard admitting that our lives are full of error and self-deception. But this very admission, though painful, makes possible its opposite– a differentiated life, lived with integrity. Tears of recognition and relief often flow with the dawn of self-awareness. But while the truth will set you free, remember the psychologist Erich Fromm’s observation of humankind’s attempt to escape from such freedom. The truth is liberating– but only when you have the courage to live it.
I continually assert, change is difficult and almost impossible on two fronts: we resist personally, and it is resisted by those around us. I’ll use myself as an example. When I change, it forces others to change or it forces others to distance themselves from me. We must refuse not to change. In spite of the enormous pressure to stay the same, we are to reject this pressure with all that is within us. We must be changed. We must be transformed. It comes about by the renewing or changing of the mind. Count the cost! I’ve realized the cost the very first time I decided to be who I was. The cost is to our own comfort and security, and it almost always costs relationships. We know this. But Fromm is right! The joy and peace of this freedom is truly remarkable and irreplaceable. No matter how expensive it becomes, I will still pay the price. It is worth it.
How about you?
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David Hayward is a pastor artistically stripping to the essential.
Well, my big change was going from Christian to agnostic. Believe me, it was a huge change. It was upsetting once I let myself think “maybe there really isn’t a God.” But more than personally dealing with my own change in thinking, etc. was the huge part of telling others. Cause I knew what that would mean: REJECTION. My least favorite thing in life.
Change does have consequences. The real you can be very unattractive to others for all kinds of reasons. But the good part is you get to be yourself FINALLY!
Just one example of change. I’d love to hear specific examples of others.
Carl Jung said, ‘To become acquainted with oneself is a terrible shock.’ It’s hard admitting that our lives are full of error and self-deception. But this very admission, though painful, makes possible its opposite– a differentiated life, lived with integrity. Tears of recognition and relief often flow with the dawn of self-awareness. But while the truth will set you free, remember the psychologist Erich Fromm’s observation of humankind’s attempt to escape from such freedom. The truth is liberating– but only when you have the courage to live it.
—————Seems to me that Jung just lifted and rewrote what the Jesus/Bible teaches.
Jung: It’s hard admitting that our lives are full of error and self-deception.
———-I think I read somewhere; “All have sinned and fallen short….”
Jung:But this very admission, though painful, makes possible its opposite– a differentiated life, lived with integrity.
———-I seem to remember reading something about repentance and confession.
Jung:the truth will set you free
———–John 8:32—Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
No need to waste time with Jung, she know the Bible.
fishon
I like change – for me it’s fun!
I don’t like change. I wish I did, but no matter how much I wish I did, I still don’t. I see my attitude toward change as boring, stifling, yet I find routine comfortable.
When I eat out at our local Mexican restaurant, I always get chimichanga. Seafood, I usually get the catfish. Olive Garden, some sort of noodle with alfredo sauce.
Change upsets my bowels
Sage advice. And speaking of sage (in turkey dressing), it’s good to remember this advice as the holidays approach. Being present to and respecting the changes in family members as we gather together (or do not!) would go a long way in keeping peace and preventing the domestic horrors that occur under the stresses of the holidays.
It’s been a very long time since I read this book but it was life changing for me at the time and nothing has come close, since….Harville Hendricks Getting the Love You Want.
We were 8 years into our marriage and seriously thought about ending it . But thankfully, we took an IMAGO workshop which forever changed the way we view marriage. It helped us truly “see” one another.
The idea behind the Imago relationship is that we tend to deal with relationships in terms of “I-It” (as Martin Buber put it). What we truly crave, however, is an I’-Thou” relationship, which can only come about through open dialogue. It’s the difference between a special realtionship (I-it) and a sacred one (I-Thou). It is only in recognizing the other as fully other that we can come to know ourselves.
Arulba,
Your last sentence really hit me. I think it’s saying -others (spouse, children) are not extensions of ourselves to be managed for our needs. They are a whole other person, and should be seen as such and respected as such. And maybe that can also help me to see myself as a WHOLE complete person who can be okay without being too “attached” to others.
Thank you.
Lynn – I’m glad that made sense!
I’m with you on Schnarch’s recommendation. Profound stuff. The process of change and coming to live with our integrity is courageous, challenging, difficult, but powerful.
Fishon, I don’t think what Jung meant by ‘error and self-deception’ was necessarily what you mean by ’sin’. Have you even read Jung? Yet here you are thinking you’ve got it all sussed out and know what he means.