Journal Entry: harmony
Here’s my journal entry from today:
If you liked this post, or would like to use it, please buy me a beer!So many people, including my wife and daughter, say I’m not myself these days. I do feel very very different. They say I seem sad. I’m not sure it’s sad, I said to Lisa. Maybe I’m just starting to believe I am since so many people suggest it. She suggested that I think of all the things I’ve lost in the past several months. Maybe it’s grief.
Right now I’m down on the river shore in front of our house. A beautiful, gorgeous day. Sitting on a rock. The million-rippled waters laps upon the shore. The wind is constant, although high in the stratosphere the clouds hardly move… wispy, smokey sheets of white clouds. The water that passes me by in this river will not return to me again, although in another sense this river never leaves me.
Things I’ve lost:
- Friends: Several have left the church. Things will never be the same again. Sad.
- Finances: My finances have taken a drastic turn. The end of a long decline.
- Pay: Just took a major pay-cut.
- Motorcycle: I watched a pickup back over my bike in a parking lot. Totaled.
- Faith: My faith has changed so much that it is unrecognizable.
However, in spite of all these losses, I’ve made incredible gain. I’ve seen. I am, I see, aswim in God, within, without. Deep in the center there is infinite peace and joy. I wait for this to manifest itself outwardly. I wait for the All to take care of all this.
Every tiny pebble is known. It is familiar. There is a strange sense of belonging as we congregate together on this beach. And the trees, now bare, look out over the water with me, resolute. One lone seagull flew by to check me out. Now it is way out in the center of this wide river, lighting and then taking flight again, many times. Now it is flying way off in the distance, a small and gently fluttering speck of white against the far cliffs and evergreens. Why is it alone, like me?
When one stops to take notice, suddenly the beach is teaming with life. Insects and spiders. A worm. The odd curious seagull. The stones are warm in the sun. A ladybug rests on one. There is peace here, and a complete harmony that seeps into my bones.
Shit…. not the bike!
What is it about the folks at your church?
I just don’t see how they don’t buy into your brand of community, I know if I was there I would join.
However it seems you ARE in a good place within David, & just as you are super aware of all that is around you, God knows all about you & he knows YOUR name.
The journey into uncharted places quite often begins with the removal of the material…the things we could wrap our egos around ..the things we could depend on…and we wonder, where am I going wrong? why isn’t God supplying the things that keep me comfortable? You somehow consented to take this journey, and like most, didn’t realize that it would mean lightening your load…at least for a while. Even, no particularly, our faith…it was always easy to find a scripture as an answer to any dilemma…and now you’re left with only that God will supply your needs as you seek and enter that space, which is no space, where there are no words, no names…where everything just IS. You are…the ladybug is…the seagull is…God IS. And who or what God is becomes indefinable…God just IS.
David, Here you are – as fellow human – in all y/our glory. Wondering. Listening to those who love you. Feeling. Noticing. It can be this simple. Maybe not happy. But it can be this simple (however difficult it may be to do what you do here in this post).
Kristen (at Light and Storm) posted a wonderful article entitled by Gordon Marino called Kierkegaard on the Couch. He says Kierkagaard makes a distinction between despair and the blues. Despair is an attitude, while the blues/depression is a feeling.
I really appreciated this…
These days, confide to someone that you are in despair and he or she will likely suggest that you seek out professional help for your depression. While despair used to be classified as one of the seven deadly sins, it has now been medicalized and folded into the concept of clinical depression. If Kierkegaard were on Facebook or could post a You Tube video, he would certainly complain that we, who have listened to Prozac, have become deaf to the ancient distinction between psychological and spiritual disorders, between depression and despair.
There is abundant chatter today about “being spiritual” but scarcely anyone believes that a person can be of troubled mind and healthy spirit. Nor can we fathom the idea that the happy wanderer, who is all smiles and has accomplished everything on his or her self-fulfillment list, is, in fact, a case of despair. But while Kierkegaard would have agreed that happiness and melancholy are mutually exclusive, he warns, “Happiness is the greatest hiding place for despair.”
Despair is marked by a desire to get rid of the self, an unwillingness to become who you fundamentally are.
I meant to say, after the quote from the article, that while despair is a desire to get rid of the self, the blues are very often a result of moving into who it is we are. Maybe it is a sort of grief.
Man, I’m so sorry to hear about your bike. My condolences.
Hey NP, I’m going to pray for you on my way to work tomorrow…
Shame the guy in the pick-up must’ve felt very very bad
Hey…depression is nothing to fool around with,man.If you cannot get out of this, go get some help.God reveals in many ways,suffering chief among them,however NEEDLESS suffering becomes masochism after awhile.Times are difficult everywhere,do not become a victim.I am sorry for the tone of this post, I have watched too many damn good people succumb to this,thinking that their faith would pull them through. As I recall, my helplessness was /is my faith.Please take care of yourself,brother.
i hear you patrick. i also including your blog on my blogroll.
You sound lonely, with only the company of God? While he is all that we need to live and love, community, companionship and affirmation through that means are equally important to being truly human.
I will be praying that what you are finding is truly what you are seeking.
Longfellow Wrote:
The tide rises
the day returns
but nevermore, returns
the traveler to the
shore, And the tide rises, the tide falls.
I think of your description of the outdoors when I read these lines today. I hope the tides eddy and collect into a pleasant oxbow lake full of restless trout, ready to bite on a bit of worm.
if you want to discuss this further,you can email me. Love your site,by the way.Be kind to yourself,walk slow, drink plenty of water[something a friend always says….
or we can discuss it right here. maintaining my health is something i do… important to keep this vessel healthy.
well, my experience was/is that it eventually caught up with me.For years friends had warned me that i needed to get some outside help. This was not some existential bullshit, an intellectual parlor game where quoting from Dostoevsky or Camus or Merton would,you know “snap me out of it.” it was deeper then that.I was sober 19 years at that point, and felt between the 12 steps and the Scriptures i would be fine , never asking ,frightened to, actually, what might be God’s hand in this. I have suffered from this since I can remember, and have often dismissed it to being irish, being aware[how could you NOT be depressed living today?!} and generally doing anything possible to avoid seeking medical attention.Now, I am NOT SAYING AT ALL that your problem is the same as mine, simply doing the only thing I am able, sharing my own encounter.Anyhow, by the awful Grace of God, I eventually, after banging my head against the wall[metaphorically] ,I sought out some professional help. Now , don’t know, there was no magic bullet for me, a lot of heavy lifting, trial and error, and 8 years later I am alive, still sober, still happily married. My youngest son is still autistic,my older son seems to have found a road less perilous then the one he was one back then, our other 3 children are doing fine.I am back in life, not merely ENDURING it. Life is never ever going to be perfect, whatever the hell that means.What it has is moments that transcend anything I could do, and while no one lives in that moment, you visit ,sometimes.I am no doctor, and have no training in any of the sciences,so I never comment on what anyone has been instructed .That said, if this persists, I offer my example to show that YOU DO NOT HAVE TO SUFFER NEEDLESSLY, and that there are folks out there who have been through the mill, and come out the other side. In my daily Karl Barth news email your site was connected.Coincidence? I for one, do not believe in them. Either way, If I have helped you at all, it was worth putting this out there. Peace be with you…
Like you I have a unique blogger name. You are Naked….I am Laughing.
Like you I am going through life change, new understanding…
Along the journey I have expereinced grief in the deepest way and have been trying to share this on my blog.
Many respond….you seem so sad….you call yourself Laughing Pastor….but you are not laughing much lately.
And yet in it all I do laugh.
I am trying to see deeper into this thing called ministry.
I am not satisfied with the low expectations of the churches that I have served….
and yet don’t believe that I can do a lot to change that.
So I explore how to provide ministry within a particular church but also provide minitstry in the larger church at the same time.
I covet your words…
your honesty….
your passion.
Thank you for being an important part of my life journey.
Thank you.
Laughing Pastor
hey Dave, tell us more about your unrecognisable faith, cause we might recognise it.
thanks blake. blessings back atcha!
patrick: what did you mean by “I for one, do not believe them”? I appreciate your insights. Checked out your blog. We’re much the same.
i dont believe in coincidence
As someone who suffers from Bipolar Disorder and can cause quite the ruckus in my church family, I have realized just how unloving Christians are. My church family runs away from me when I am having problems because I don’t act right, do an say bad things. I have always been told that I am hard to love, so I act that out. I have been being myslef in church and on Facebook and I just loose friends.
Naked Pastor,
I recommend an author: James Hollis.
Two of his books have helped me of late–
What Matters Most: Living a More Considered Life and Finding Meaning in Midlife.
He has many others.
http://www.jameshollis.net
Not sure this link below will work but here’s an excerpt from What Matters Most on Amazon.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B002BWQ57M/ref=pd_lpo_k2_dp_sr_1?pf_rd_p=486539851&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=0684872579&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=0TKZ6NK8PYJFRTJKNXFB#reader_B002BWQ57M
Someone’s eaten the ‘fruit of belief’ – probably Adam again.
Oops, posted in the wrong place!
Hey Amy, I really empathise. What stupid, insensitive person told you that you are hard to love? If I was told I was hard to love, then I’d ‘act out’ as well. I’d express all the hurt that comment gave me by showing anger, just to make sure everyone knew how hurt I was. The trouble is, people are so stupid that they often don’t realise that you’re expressing your vulnerability rather than aggression. Maybe you could write a piece on being bipolar for your church or parish magazine or website – educate people, they obviously need it.