To read the previous installment of this story, go here. That post will have a link to the previous one, etc…
You don’t want to emulate me. Don’t copy what we do at Rothesay Vineyard. I’m serious. What makes Rothesay what it is is that we are ourselves. I made a decision years ago to live out my own freedom and I encourage others to do the same. That’s what makes us. Although I occasionally come up with lists of steps you can take to deconstruct yourself and your church, these are all given in the light of you living out your own freedom. In fact, I’m quite sure that if you live out your own liberation, the deconstruction will happen automatically with your own distinctive flavor. Deconstruction is the symptom of freedom and the resistance to power and authority. When you live no longer under the dominion of another within, it will manifest itself without in ways unique to you and your situation.
How many people have I met with who, after years of living in a bad marriage, finally make the decision to leave? What do they leave behind? They appear to leave behind a broken family, a hurt spouse, and damaged kids. The ones who leave always get blamed for the destruction. No matter how much you try to convince some people that, despite all appearances, the marriage was a sham covering up deadly dysfunction, they still believe that you rocked the boat, upset the apple-cart, and left innocent bystanders in ruins. This is a warning: it is inevitable that when you finally stand in your own freedom, you are going to become the bad guy. You are the one who’s going to be blamed for ruining everything. So buckle up!
This is what happened to me. And this is what you’re going to hear more about. For over a year (1995-1997), things were heavenly. It was sheer bliss. I kid you not. I was never happier or more content. Heaven, I often said, couldn’t get any better than this. Until! Until I realized I wasn’t living my own life but living in the shadow of Steve’s. I realized, all of a sudden, that I wasn’t free, but under the gentle but intoxicating authority of another. It suddenly dawned on me that I wasn’t my own. Even though my willing interior bondage was exquisite, it still wasn’t freedom. When I finally saw the beauty and absolute necessity of my own freedom and decided to live in it, that’s when everything went so very wrong. This is what provoked so many people, including Steve. This is what I believe fundamentally ruined what Rothesay was and what offended so many people who still blame me for destroying such a beautiful thing. And you know what? In many ways they are right! It was more beautiful than anything I’d ever experienced. Except for one thing: I wasn’t free. And I was about to discover that my freedom and autonomy came at an enormous price. It was going to cost me and so many others just about everything.
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David Hayward is a pastor artistically stripping to the essential.
Thank you for sharing this story. Freedom and autonomy do indeed come at an enormous price (pain, broken relationships), but I believe spiritual bondage is ultimately even more costly.
There is much wisdom embedded in your honesty.
“And I was about to discover that my freedom and autonomy came at an enormous price. It was going to cost me and so many others just about everything.”
It cost Him just about everything also. I wonder why we think it is any different when it comes to us. Good thoughts.
Two things:
1) I don’t “running towards freedom from a dysfunctional marriage” is somehow admirable in comparison to “make personal changes to make your marriage functional.” Both running away and change are possible. Anyone could argue that I’m not “free” in my marriage. That may be true. I shudder to think of the alternative.
2) That said, what you have described also hits a nerve with me. I think I identify with it in a way.
I agree with you 100 % Freedom does come with an enormous price. I took a road of freedom for myself and lost so so so much. I almost lost my own life through the process. Reading your blog today reminded me of so much of my own personal journey. Thank you for sharing. May you be granted glimpses of the benefits your journey was meant for.
Thanks again for sharing. I personally needed it today.
Hmm, I wanted freedom and autonomy when I was a kid – it didn’t go down too well with my parents though. I was naive enough to think I had rights – I had no rights, except the right to have the shit beaten out of me.
Thank you, Steve. Your story is akin to my own, and like Phillip, I almost lost my life in the process. I am deeply grateful for this incredible journey. While I have lost much, I have gained far more. You understand.
David…thank you. Your honesty and willingness to share is a gift I cherish. You speak for those of us who’ve been there and hopefully to those who are entombed in a situation which looks wonderful and yet they are not being authentic. No matter how beautiful a situation seems and feels, as long as it enslaves anyone, no matter how willing they are to be enslaved, it is a false situation…it is codependency perfected.The cost of freedom is great indeed…but the cost of not breaking free is even greater.
I’ve lurked here for a couple of years (maybe more), watching, listening, and trying to put my finger on what continues to draw me here, specifically. I read some interesting and volitile posts often wondering, “Where did ‘that’ come from?” or “Why does he/she seem so angry?” All sorts of thoughts run through my spirit.
That said, I appreciate your candor and vulnerability, David. The fact that such openness often requires such personal expense saddens me, especially when we speak of following Christ. Know that there are people, both inside and outside the church (ministers, too), who also long for such a place of spiritual safety. Thanks for providing a raft on an often stormy sea.
Dyou mean you’ve been on here for two years without saying anything? Why would anyone do that?
If I come up with some profound reason, Tiggy, I’ll let you know. Then again, it might be awhile.
Yes, search your soul! Maybe you’re just more restrained than I am, though I find it strangely voyeuristic …
Read this today – Nov9. This date being such a turning point to the German people. The DDR had been under the control of another(ussr) and life was mostly quiet, but with no real identity of their own. Once the wall fell, all chaos broke loose in DDR, as their internal structure of control collapsed. And since that date, walking out their freedom has been one of stigma(most east germans are still mocked by the west germans), loss, pain, and oppression and chronic unemployment. A whole generation suffered the loss of everything familiar and safe, to launch out into the unknown. Their children are the first to not live under the former regime control. Now 20yrs later, a former east german, and a woman, is the Chancellor of the united country. lots of parallel themes, makes me wonder how much of this is systemic to the human condition.