- More people have left the church and I’m sad about it.
- I took another pay cut.
- I continually question whether I am good or bad for this church.
- The surface of my life is full of struggle.
- I feel like I am becoming more true yet more offensive at the same time.
- I am a deconstructionist and question everything.
- I am passionate about church but sometimes doubt it can become what it is.
- If some saw my atheistic, heretical, unorthodox, heterodox side, they’d choke.
- I have seen and it makes sense to me, but I have serious difficulty articulating it.
- I’ve never felt more peace, joy and love in the core of my being than I do now.
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David Hayward is a pastor artistically stripping to the essential.
#10 trumps them all, I think.
Hey David -
I’ve recently come to the understanding that I’m more of a “teacher” than a “leader.” Having been cast into leadership positions for most of my life, this is a rather startling thing to discover, and it has caused me to re-evaluate my purpose.
In all of my years of leading, I’ve noticed that the problem I’ve always encountered is that I’m not actually going in any particular direction. And perhaps my personality draws people so they follow, but people often feel let down when they discover that I don’t have any specific plans to bring them to a new place. I just teach and do my best to help people learn how to grow on their own.
Many of your posts address this notion of resisting “agenda” and “vision,” and I think that resonates so much with me, and I find such things repulsive as well, because church agendas and visions typically deal with things like raising money for a building-fund or moving people into denominational/theological alignment, both of which are man-made ideas and repugnant when you consider that Christ died to set us FREE of all that crap.
Anyhow… I know that you’ve questioned your role in the past, and I wonder if you’ve ever considered the differences between being called to be a “teacher” and “leader,” and if that resonates with you at all.
My husband and I are with you. Just this weekend we had anxiety and sadness about church. We are in a great church but it seems our eyes have been opened to God in a new and freeing way that causes great division in our mind.
We want so much for the whole body of Christ to have this freedom. We should be ok to , challenge, question, doubt our faith in God so we can get to a place where we are finally real with Him. The same messages year after year and no one is having dynamic change. Nothing seems to be changing but us and then we are hit with “OMG are we going to reason ourselves right out of faith?”.
But I think God actually likes that He doesn’t want puppets. He created us to think, reason, be creative. We should be the ones on the forefront of innovation, we have the Spirit of God in us!
Just another piece of the Body trying to find where she fits.
You have questions, you have doubts, you have mis-givings, you are basically honest. I personally think your the best thing for a church at this point in time. We all grow which means we all learn which then means we all struggle here and there. It’s your humanity in your approach that will be refreshing to many having some of the same questions.
I think you pick 10 random ideas and people can comment – it’s one side of who you are – or many sides of the complexity of being a limited human being. I personally think this is what our leaders should be like – people that also share in our same pains and groans as we try to make life work. The one who cannot do that cannot be a leader either – it would be dishonesty at its core.
I am with you on the honesty of it being freeing…it is. I only wish I knew leaders like you where I am from – I can’t say I do…but if I did I actually might attend a church.
I am totally relating to 3., 5., 6., and 10.
thanks everyone for your generous and kind comments!! let’s be crazy together!
I agree with Gene…even with all of the outer turmoil you are experiencing the fruit of the spirit…there’s the still small voice you looked for yesterday…With peace, love and joy, who needs a burning bush? There are people who need you desperately…people who need to know its ok, in fact necessary, to question…people who need to know that heresy is not always a bad thing…just different.Knowing my own heretical opinions, I know the general Christian populace would shriek at some of your thoughts…not because the thoughts are wrong but because they are beyond the understanding of the ordinary person. A mystical path is a difficult journey because it can’t be adequately articulated and can’t be understood by most people…but isn’t the ability to have peace in the midst of the storm what we are to be seeking?…isn’t that the Christ in you, the hope of glory, that Paul talked about? Savour each moment that you are in the silence(and I know you go there because you couldn’t experience the things you do without it). I remember going a little nuts when people were leaving and a voice boomed inside “tell me about it!” I read the gospel of John again, and as Jesus was approaching the level of pure spirit, people left. The funds you lost thru a pay cut will surface elswhere…live in that peace and remember the whole meaning of the Hebrew word translated peace…perfection, wholeness, completion…nothing missing…nothing broken.
Maybe you feel more peace, joy and love because you’re being more fully congruent and not repressing doubts and differences. The more true you are, the more offensive you WILL be.
#9.. yep.. same.
my friend karen!!!! hey!
I find there’s a direct correlation between #5 and #1 – speaking the truth to power ticks off those who want comfy church. But I believe there are a lot of spiritual seekers out there who are also searching for the truth and pray we find each other.
haha
you’re too funny.
hi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i have more explanation marks so that makes me a better friend than you… heh heh
I was a bit concerned until I read the last item. *hugs* and I hope that you have the strength to follow your clarity.
i don’t see these as random, each one is related to the other.
Back when I was pastoring I drove many people off with my deconstruction. Funny thing is I also felt great peace and joy during that time.
Hang in there! Your contrubution is one of the main reasons I am still a minister!
Pastor,
From one pastor to another, thank you. You say what alot of us are hesitant to say. I am blessed to pastor a congregation that’s open to whatever God is doing.
You are making a valuable contribution to the Body of Christ.
I come to your blog for encouragement.
I am praying for you.
What I love about you and this blog is your honesty!
thanks Kaalvoet-Kind.
One of the reasons I keep returning to this blog day after day, week after week is that David challenges me with his honesty and brightens my path with his humor. “nakedpastor” is
“AUTHENTICpastor”, and for that I’m deeply grateful. I’m with you, David, my fellow-viator.
Keep on keeping on.
doug: wow. cool. thanks.
Hmmm……..Is NakedPastor a Pastor or Artist??
I’ve been reading this blog for awhile now and love your honesty. I can really relate to #8 – I was reprimanded at the church I previously attended for expressing my doubts and asking the *wrong* questions. I would love to have you for a Pastor – from your blog entries you seem to be able to walk alongside your congregants. They may not appreciate what they have but I do believe you reach many more people than you know here on the blogosphere….
11. It somehow never bothers me that as I become more offensive, I feel more peace, joy and love.
Surely, Dave, this is the noblest expression of your humanity!
I’m grateful to the Church of England for its lack of certainty.
D,
Concerning 6, 7, 8 and 9,
Please follow this link http://www.westhill.net/who-we-are/visionworks-2009
I am not familiar with the full description of your struggle, but there are other active communities forging new paths. They are making the efforts to articulate what makes sense to them and I hope there is something of use to you in their efforts.
Think about how they describe themselves — “a progressive spiritual community
growing out of the Christian tradition”.
“Our grounding is the interconnectedness of all life”
“Our response to life is love”
“Our sources for inspiration are diverse”
“Our gatherings are multi-faceted”
“Our vision is growth”