I’m in a deep hole today. I can’t see any way out right now. So I’m not even bothering to try. I’m just here. I didn’t even bother to do a cartoon today. I just couldn’t find what it took. I am clothed in sackcloth and dust myself with ashes. And no one understands. Not even I.
There are times like this for me where I feel completely hopeless. There are times when I just submerge like never before. I feel like I am surrounded by utter darkness with no firm foundation beneath my feet, like a nightmare. It’s times like these when I feel like I’m drowning in the inevitable. Nothing seems to get better. In spite of all my efforts, nothing improves and my future looks just as grim as it did yesterday. It’s like I am a train locked on rails carrying me to my fate. I am tangled in the undergrowth of suffering. A net has been cast over me and I have been caught, enslaved by a mysterious invader who shows no mercy, who doesn’t care.
I said to Lisa today that I just want to scoop her up and flee to a cabin deep in the woods. Let’s escape from it all! If we could, would we? Quit! But I don’t have the means. I lack the wings that would take us there. It’s then I realize I am trapped. I am trapped! Is that death prowling around me, methodically tightening the circle with every round? I am afraid to escape. But I am just as afraid to stay. I have escaped before, but I know the severe cost. I’m not sure I have that much courage in my account. I am shackled by my own fear.
(POSTSCRIPT: I wrote this post in an attempt to reveal the darker side of the struggles of ministry. I used some psalms as a basic structure, such as the desire to flee to the desert if I had wings to fly. I realize that it sounds awfully dark, even depressing. But I think it does expose some of the realities of my experience as well as that of many others. I receive personal emails from pastors and church-leaders and -goers from all over the world that appreciate seeing the transparency of my struggles and often recognize them as their own. Like all of these kind people who write me, I too hope that the sun will soon shine through the overcast. In fact, I am confident it will.)
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David Hayward is an artist trapped in a pastor's body, stripping to the essential.
:’(
meetoo…
I should think a cabin in the woods would get pretty boring after a short while, esp if you don’t have Internet access. Can’t you take a short break?
‘I’m not sure I have that much courage in my account. ‘
Don’t you mean money?
Think of something radical and exciting to do, but popular. Write a book. Put your cartoons in a book with little bits of writing and sell it.
If you don’t mind me asking, what can be the cost of escape?
I’m never confident it will, even though I’m an eternal optimist. Just going on past experience of the sun not putting in an appearance. But that’s just me.
I just wanted to say I love you. Nothing more, just that you are loved.
Tracy
If things get really bad, you can always become an Anglican or Episcopalian or whatever it is in Canada. Then you can do what you like.
I can relate. I’m not a pastor, but I can relate.
And I hurt for you.
That dark hole is a very lonely place to be.
I hope you will find a way out or at least find a way to let others in to sit with you in the darkness.
Yeah we’ll all come – put the kettle on.
I pray that one day you will be able look back on this darkness and count it all joy.
Gary
Some of us find life in your dying. For what it is worth!!!
I’ve just read Taken on Trust, the account by Terry Waite of his captivity as a hostage in Beirut for over 4 years, in solitary, mostly chained to a wall. He made himself 3 rules from the start in order to survive – he’s open about how he did not always keep them during the darkest moments, but mostly he did – and survived
No regrets
No sentimentality
No self pity
“Is that death prowling around me, methodically tightening the circle with every round?”
In a way, yes it is.
Our lives are not progressing here. On the contrary…they are slowly coming to an end.
Should we then fold up the tent and call it quits? Of course not (even though there are days when we feel like it)
In this life there is no peace, no rest, no victory.
But there is peace, rest, and victory. It is promised to us. He will bring it for us. He has conquered sin, death and the devil on that cross…for us.
In the meantime, we tough it out and do our best. Helping others (which you do) helps keeps our mind off of the pain.
Hey Dave – Sounds very painful, but I’m told the crucification is an agonizing death as well. Sounds like you are there, on a cross. This is where all self, all dreams, all ambitions, all wants., die. But then you live, John’s gospel, until you die you will abide alone. The valley of death is never fun…but remember you are not alone. My heart goes out to you, wish I could talke away some of your pain, what I can give you is a prayer to pray….PS 23, very slowly. Sounds religions but man it’s truth that remains forever, and has helped me in my times of total isolation, sorrow and pain.
I get this NP (I mean I understand, and I get like this too).
I appreciate that you honestly share on your blog – it means a lot. And you are compassionate to those who suffer. God bless you where you are.
I think it’s important to admit how we are really feeling, what we are thinking – and there is something powerful in doing it ‘in the open air’ as it were – letting the light in. Being isolated is not good for this state of being – I know this from my own experience.
Someone wise told me that when the emotional waves come, don’t fight them, don’t try to swim into them, don’t resist them, instead try to ride them. Along with naming my feelings, this has helped me not to be afraid of feeling bad – that was a big achievement for me.
Peace to you brother. Hope you found respite and peace today in a cabin closer to home, even a metaphorical one.
Come to PEI for a weekend and we will ride bikes down tree lined country roads
Maybe it’s labor pains. Really. A coming breakthrough. A change.
I hear ya, David. I’m not a pastor but I do recognize what you describe. The thing is that I don’t really think we can actually run away from it. Reminds me of a scene in Never Ending Story where the “scientist” tells Atrayoo (sp?) that, confronted with the Southern Oracle, most men run away screaming as they are actually confronted with themselves. I suspect that that is why we go to such lengths to distract or numb ourselves. But, to paraphrase what you mentioned, the sun’ll come out, tomorrow. …hmmm, seems like I might be watching too many kids movies, eh?
Seriously, I think that if we stick around and trust that we’ll be led through this darkness or desert, we end peeling off another layer and perhaps get just a little closer to the heart of what may be our real selves or the self we are meant to be.
David, with all due respect, have you considered that yr depression might more biological than merely spiritual ?
I have to agree with Fatima. Following your blog for some time, I see a pattern emerging. Just a few days ago you were all hyped up about your Z -theory. Funny thing is if you get help and medication you might not help the people visiting your blog as much as you are now but I think it might be best for you. Maybe it’s time to put yourself first. Even though the z-theory has driven some kind of wedge between us I still appreciate the fact that that you don’t shy away from the dark side of life. You have helped me through some of the darkest hours of my life. I so much want for you to flourish and be happy. Good Luck. Sorry for phyco analysing you as I did just now
I think it’s just called ‘being human’.
Somehow that encouraged me. Thanks.
your post sounds like the darker side of life, not just “ministry”.
tina: agreed
I know where you’re at, brother. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.
I’ve wanted to run away–not to a cabin in the woods, but to a narrow, flat-ish ledge on a cliff a few miles from where I was raised at the Southern end of the Appalachians. Once there, I would build my own cabin, shoot my own food, and generally be by myself, except for an occasional forray into civilization for vegetables and fruit. Tiggy, I figgured just building it and getting it ready for winter would keep me occupied for months. AND it would be progress that I could actually see, unlike in the ministry, where so much of it is hidden and internal to the lives of those we lead. This of course we never get to see, at least this side of the grave.
NP, not trying to psychoanalyze you, so let me just recognize that it sounds like you are in neutral right now, ready to change gears somehow or another. To what, I don’t have a clue. But it’s obvious you are in a valley of shadows, and are grieving some loss (I suspect the loss of the “ideal” or “vision” you once had of what ministry would be). At any rate, you know who is with you. SO: grieve the loss; deny it, cry over it, bargain over it, be bitter about it, get angry about it, live in it–and in so doing, move through it into the bright sunshine of another day, someday. I will pray for you brother.
John Fariss
I don’t have to go somewhere else, I just hide in my flat and usually in my bed. I couldn’t do a nine to five job because I am unable to be ‘out there’ for that amount of time. I have to be able to withdraw and be with my feelings. I suppose I’m lucky to live in a country that understands that some people just can’t function.
I might as well add my nodding head of agreement to the comments here, and also throw in a little fist pump and a ‘YESSS!’ for not trying to get out of it.
I don’t have (or I don’t think I have) any biological depression, but in ministry I do find that I follow an Elijah sort of pattern. The highest highs are followed a few days/weeks later by needing to be fed by the crow.
For myself, I’ve found allowing myself to go into the dark when I feel it comming means I can come out the other side a bit quicker. To fight it only makes it drag out.
Psalms, particularly around the early 40s usually help me through.
around the early 40s??
I was wondering if there was any sort of mid-life crisis to this – lol.
Will refrain from commenting on the ‘little fist pump’. You don’t get away with expressions like that in England.
Agreed, I usually find t he best way is to hide under the duvet, but you probably don’t have that option.
lol I’m not up to that midlife crisis point yet Tiggy. Still a few years off.
I knew as soon as I wrote it the US and UK guys would have differing pictures in thier heads. One advantage of being an Aussie (now living in the UK) is being able to understand both English (language) and Merikan. I suspect the Canadians have that ability with a bit of French thrown in as well.
Unfortunately you are probably right in saying the duvet day is not an option for most people. It’s one of the things I’d like to see built-in to some of our national cultures (along with siestas and politicians being applauded for saying when they are wrong).
I have duvet weeks! I have just spent three days in bed because every month I get three day hormonally-caused migraines where I can’t do anything except take a migraine pill that knocks me out and sleep most of my way through it. I get high temperatures and one side of my face goes numb, which is scary cos it makes me think I’ll be liable for stroke.
Maybe David is in his forties? Not that I’m dismissing his feelings as ‘being at a difficult age’.
‘What is this darkness? What is its name? Call it: an aptitude for sensitivity. Call it: a rich sensitivity which will make you whole. Call it: your potential for vulnerability.’
(Meister Eckhart)
I know so many people can experience the same thing that NP experienced, however when it happens to you, it is the scariest, most lonely place to be. I was there last weekend. Such a lonely, scarey place where you have no control over what is happening inside. I asked the Father to not only be with me but to be a part of me.
Knowing the sun will eventually shine through the darkness is Faith.
“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord and whose trust is the LORD. Jeremiah 17:7