I figured I would be helpful to those considering going into the ministry, who feel a call to serve the church, who think they might like to become a priest, pastor, or minister. Follow these pieces of advice and I will save you a lot of time. You will be on the fast track to a clerical career:
- Stop thinking independently and keep your own thoughts to yourself!
- Memorize whatever it is you are supposed to believe. Regurgitate! Regurgitate! Regurgitate!
- Agree with everybody and disagree with nobody. Keep your job is job one.
- Plan on never changing your mind or having a crisis of faith or morals.
- Read a room and totally conform to it. Never rock a boat, even a bad one.
- Meet expectations without resentment. You are the composite of everyone’s religious fantasies.
- Keep about 20 years behind the times.
- Criticize everything and everyone who is different from the most popular religious status quo.
- If you have a personality, lose it!
- If you want out, break any of the above.
Thank me later.
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They don’t need that advice. They learn it in Bible college.
After reading these, I feel the need to take a very deep breath.
Also, show your wiener to the church secretary. That has happened many times in churches I’ve belonged to.
Now THAT was funny stephy!
What about changing the title to “10 tips for those considering goin to church”
I had to sign that checklist when I volunteered for nursery duty.
I thank God that my pastor doesn’t do any of that, and he has been a pastor for 30 years.
Oh and don’t forget, always talk in cliches!
You can be quite an effective Christian pastor without doing any of that.
If you are in a Christian tradition that stresses Christian freedom.
Interesting……….and youre still Pastor for a living……..hmmmmm
I disagree….
Er…with what?
Oh man #9 – why is it that so many pastors I meet have personalities with all the complexity of stale white bread?
Yeah we want wholemeal pastor.
Several years ago, my district superintendent told me, “It’s okay to kiss a little butt, just so long as you know why you are doing it.” I disagreed with him then, and now 20+ years later, I still don’t kiss butt.
And I disagree with your list as well.
dave: keep disagreeing. that’s the point.
Dave, to summarize the list for folks who seem to think you’re serious:
“Stop being human, you’re a pastor now.”
See how silly that is gang? What’s sad is that I keep meeting pastors who actually think that’s what we have to be. It’s really painful to watch…
“You are the composite of everyone’s religious fantasies.”
we’re all someone’s metaphor.
Confused… this must be tongue in cheek because you seriously break most of these rules, and in my view, for the betterment of those who hear you do it.
“You are the composite of everyone’s religious fantasies.”
That sounds rather appealing to me – and sexy!
I think the first two may be accurate to being christian, but I’m not sure about the rest. Or that’s what it feels like sometimes.
Well I’m screwed. I might as well resign
LOL, that is why I jump with joy everytime my RSS reader tells me about an update for this site.
It is point 10 that bothers me. I can try to reject the other 9, but it is amazing how the pressure then mounts on point 10. I’m not sure if it would help to develop a thick enough skin while rejecting the others. I sometimes ask myself if I don’t have enough (of the opposite) of point 9 and that this causes point 10 to feel so real.
Anyway… now I have a nice list of things to talk to a therapist with
I can’t thank you enough….. I’ve been doing all of these for years and at last someone has put it into a list!
(nb: I might be using a slight bit of irony there…)
Do you know your RSS feed includes an link to Scientology.org (maybe an advertisement they bought). It makes it look like your representing them. Not sure if you wanted that or not…?
Anyway, your post underscores for me why I’ve moved outside the box of traditional religion (not to house church or another form but completely outside the box).
All the best.
andy: yup, i know that happens once in a while.
I should add this to my “Guide to joining a new church post.
This is great. Hyperbole, but great.
I love that you invite people to think and disagree. That’s what it is all about, otherwise we’d turn into robots.
WOAH woah. I like my Christianity nice and easy. Kind of like how the Cross was really easy for Jesus.
…wait.
umm, I agree with your list, because its obviously sarcastic. i laughed when i saw that people thought it was for realzies …
also, can you drop the term “for realzies” in an entry sometime? i did my best to work it into this comment.
that would be great.
alex: are you for realzies? there, i said it.
Is ‘for realzies’ something your small children say, Alex?
Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy.
Aw This post is too late for me. I was just terminated for breaking nearly all of the above. The seminary didn’t teach me this stuff. I suppose if I was a multi-generational Christian, or had at least been raised a Christian, I would have known this, but I didn’t know these things!
Actually, I think I did break them all. Sheesh – no moral failure. In fact the average (and probably the majority of) folks loved me. Some said, finally, you’re telling this church what they need to hear. And now, I find myself unemployed.
Now, I get to do what I’ve been called to do for free. I’m thrilled actually!
BTW, this IS for realzies!
Here’s what my overseer said: “When you get too far out front, you look like the enemy.”
hah. honestly, no. its something i say on a far too regular basis.
but hey. thanks for the term drop. thats awesome.
Gary, you should get up a campaign to have yourself reinstated – get your parishioners or whatever to do a petition. Really stir some shit.
My church leader told me it was important not to offend people in church. Yeah right, like Jesus did!
NP: I realize this is somewhat tongue-in-cheek and satirical but like every good satire piece, contains a grain (or pound perhaps) of truth.
This post reminds me of my post on my blog “30 Sentences You’ll Never Hear in Church”
Check it out: http://www.bignoise-enterprises.com/blog/?p=327
good post kathy
#11, if I may, (James 3:1), Teachers receive greater judgement from God.
Kathy, most of the statement on your list (see link) are ones I’d hear in either of my two very different churches. And we love drums and heavy electric guitar playing.
NP, wondering how many you would say are true of your church? Not just of your, but of your church as a whole. Btw, do you have some fellow church leaders that you come into conflict with?
Tiggy
Tiggy, a lot of what I wrote was tongue-in-cheek but a lot of what I wrote also came out of a time of great pain and disillusionment with the bricks-and-mortar-church.
i completely agree with you’re list! that’s why i’m going into the ministry because they just let anyone in! and the money is SOOO easy to get when you tell them what they want to hear.
Right on, NP.
Theological College also seems to teach ministers that the Holy Spirit was last in town 2000 years ago and doesn’t do repeat tours. At least in most of ‘my’ denomination. So sad.
This is why everyone should be Presbyterian. You follow that list to get in the door, and then you can do whatever you want!
And that is why I decided not to become a minister (although I’ve been reconsidering, lately).
Hey thanks! Just what I needed; a ten-point list on how to get then hang of this ministry-thing
- the Ministry Candidate-
I could say it in one – CONFORM!
so where were you when I started in ministry, you could have saved me from alot of trouble or at least let me know the trouble I was getting myself into.
Don
hey don. better late than never.