The following is a letter I wrote to my community after what happened on Sunday:
I want to write you a short email concerning what happened last Sunday. After my teaching on the good Samaritan, several people had some comments and questions. Then Julia came up and, with a lot of emotion, shared an experience she recently had about someone she saw who was obviously hurting. It was very difficult for her to share, not just because of embarrassment, but because she was so emotional it was difficult for her to speak. After she finished her moving story, someone asked her if she could please pray for us in that regard. Julia said that she didn’t know what to pray, that she doesn’t pray that much anymore, and that she really had nothing to pray at that time. Awkward!
Now, we could take a couple of directions about this. One is that our church is really messed up if so-called leaders can’t even pray. Shouldn’t leaders be able to pray on the spot, even if they don’t feel like it? Shouldn’t leaders have an arsenal of prayers at their disposal to use whenever requested? But more than that, shouldn’t leaders be pray-ers? Valid questions.
I’ve taken another direction. I feel that what happened Sunday morning was good. Someone said that they didn’t pray, didn’t know how anymore, and didn’t want to at that time. I think it is an expression of authenticity to admit that. I would be reluctant to admit that publicly because praying comes with my job description. But what if I did admit that I really didn’t know how to pray anymore? It is a fact that Julia isn’t the only one. There are many of us who, at one time or another, for short seasons or long, struggle with our faith and prayer. Julia simply expressed what many of us know is a difficult reality in our spiritual lives. She was honest. Honesty’s good.
Everyone felt that event was significant for us. Some might feel in a negative way. I feel it was significant in a positive way. I would encourage us to be even more honest and authentic as we gather together. I’m not interested in pretending to be something we’re not. I’m through fantasizing about what we want to be rather than embracing who we are. Let’s admit it: we are messed up! So, let our devotion, if we can drum any up, emerge out of the reality of who-we-are rather than the vaporously unreal who-we-wish-to-be. Perhaps what happened Sunday morning was a foretaste of what we already actually are. Maybe it was a kind of invitation into a deeper and more authentic life together. And maybe now our leadership is not the expression of our strengths, but the modeling of our humiliations.
David Hayward is an artist trapped in a pastor's body, stripping to the essential.
Gut-level honesty IS a form of prayer. Everything we do in life is a type of prayer, good, bad, or lukewarm. Like my friend Starfire conveys in dance: “every movement, every thought, every word, is a prayer. Be aware”
I don’t Julia but I am so glad to hear that someone actually said what she said. I was a leader in a charismatic church for years. There were times when I felt so distant from God that I didn’t want to pray…didn’t know what to say or how to say it anymore. But then someone would ask me to pray and I prayed anyway because that was my duty. It was usually a train wreck and it just contributed to the facade. Having the freedom as a leader to publicly admit your own crisis of faith is really refreshing.
The Church has nothing to fear from the truth.
Is she okay?
it’s hard when you can’t pray – it’s a great gift from god.
I’ll pray for her, if she still can’t. *hugs*
I know I am not a member of your community but I do wish to add this. I wish I had not prayed on several occasions when I prayed out of “ought” and not from the heart or from any space of reality. I find the times where I admitted to myself that I could not or do not know how to pray is the times I find myself clinging to the heart of the Father even closer. Again it makes me wish for a community where this is lifted up more than the appearance that we have no questions and always know how to be leaders.
I would much rather have someone like Julia on my team, who is real and honest, than someone who hides their doubts, weaknesses, and struggles. God can never, ever heal something that we keep in the dark (hidden). And by saying that, I’m not at all suggesting that Julia has something that needs “fixing”. I found it interesting when some writings of Mother Theresa’s own personal doubts and struggles were made public, and people freaked out that she had them to begin with. I think that the closer we get to God, the more we realize we don’t know. Thanks, Julia, for being honest, and thus giving your church body permission to be the same.
Just as a point of clarification: I don’t consider what Julia did as wrong or insufficient or problematic or critical. I don’t for a minute believe that if she found some words to pray that suddenly her faith would not be in crisis. In fact, not being able to pray might be an expression of faith! Just wanted to clarify that.
Honesty in the mist of a time like that is what’s needed. I’m glad that Julie responded the way she did; and the after-effects in terms of conversation that your community has with this is even better.
I learn a lot about transparency in ministry by reading your blog/comics. I think you are more “in tune” with the needs of your community and others than you may realize at times.
As always, continuing to keep you and your community in my prayers; I glean too much from you all not to.
Amen to ARJWright, David. Your transparency is why I added you as a friend to begin with. I didn’t think that you were struggling with Julia’s response, David, but think that some people might. : )
I was just talking about something similar with a friend this week.
It’s interesting to me that we call salvation/sanctification a “relationship” and then we don’t treat it as such. Relationships have moments when one or the other is speechless (not knowing what to say or not wanting to hurt with words or just honoring the space of the other). Relationships have moments of frustration and anger and cross words and doubt and fear and tears. Sometimes relationships have times of “lording over” (whether intentional or not and whether deserved or not–I would say rarely–if ever!–deserved) and many other awkward things.
These awkward things are inherent to relationships. So, why do so many (perhaps all of us at one time or another?) not allow for the same relational realities in our walks with God? Why do we think that THAT relationship somehow is to be perfect and seamless and “champagne and strawberries” all the time?
It’s really strange. More than strange, it’s delusional.
Does this have to be either negative or positive? Is it possible for our experiences to just be our experiences? I’m confused when I hear the church having expectations on people that no one in the first church ever seems to have lived up to. I’m a leader because I’m a leader, not because I’m perfect in my theology, morals or dance moves. I think I gave up on the standard version of church so long ago now that I can’t even get my head back to the way of living that would even make this awkward. When God says Julia isn’t a leader anymore you’ll notice it by the conspicuous lack of people who care for her or for whom she cares. Surely no follower of Jesus would disrespect someone for practicing truth and living in the moment without pretense?
All I can do is admire her honesty, even in the face of peoples negative responses. I have been where she is and I have never had the grace extended to me that you convey in this open letter to your community. All I can say is good on ya for being there for her and allowing authenticity shine through.
God Bless :c)
I know a pastor who years ago suffered a major clinical depression. He was still serving his church, but in a limiited capacity. During the depths of this, one evening at an inter-church hymn sing, he was spontaneously asked to offer prayer. He replied, “I can’t.” I subsequently heard a laywoman from another church harrumph, “Some minister HE is. He can’t even pray when he’s asked.” Some of his colleagues, at local clergy meetings (I was a member of the clergy association) seemed to revel in quietly gossiping about him. Some years later, he wrote an autobiography in which he very candidly talked about his bouts with depression. I admired him tremendously for it. And I was sickened by the lack of transparency, and the quick rushes to judgment, that characterized the local evangelical community.
Forty years later, I find that the church is STILL characterized by lack of transparency and quick rushes to judgment. I wonder sometimes why I bother still being part of it.
David asked:
#1. One is that our church is really messed up if so-called leaders can’t even pray.
———–O man, if that’s true the church I pastor is really messed up. Sometimes I don’t feel like praying and ask if someone else will. Besides, Romans 8:26-27 takes care of that.
#2. Shouldn’t leaders be able to pray on the spot, even if they don’t feel like it?
———-Depends on the situation. If I was in a bad way and didn’t feel [didn't say can't] like praying and a child came up to me and asked me to pray, I would pray.
There are, I suppose, other times. But to what I think you are driving at, ‘no,’ I think there are times when a leader can/should bow out. I know I have.
#3. Shouldn’t leaders have an arsenal of prayers at their disposal to use whenever
requested?
———–If that is so————I have missed that boat, big time.
#4. But more than that, shouldn’t leaders be pray-ers?
———–I believe so——–but with the understanding that what someone may consider the definition of a ‘pray-er’ may be different than my definition.
Good for Julia–though her decision to be honest did not come, I am sure, on a spur-of-the-moment decision, but over time with great thought, I imagine in my mind God smiling over the honesty of His daughter.
fishon
David, I really appreciated and resonated with this topic. Loved and learned from the perspectives of your friends. Doug, I have felt like what you expressed (and many times still do), and have “handled” it in two ways in my own life. One, I’ve determined to “be the change” I want to see, which means practicing transparency, so others can feel okay to do it, too. Two, I’ve purposely chosen my inner circle of friends to be people that live this way and allow me to live that way, too. I took baby steps to begin with, with “safe” people in my life, and gradually it became more natural. I think people are afriad that if they’re “real”, they’ll repel people. I’ve found that when I’m real and transparent, the opposite is true—it draws people TO me. Just my thoughts. I appreciate all of yours, & David, for letting us talk about this. : )
“Prevent us from using empty words and forms when we give thanks to Thee. Save us from routine and mere convention when we dare to speak to Thee.”
(…)
“Our words of thanks are poor and often we cannot find words at all. There are days and months and years in which we were or are still unable to speak to Thee. Give us the power, at such times, to keep our hearts open to the abundance of life, and in silent gratefulness, to experience Thy unchanging, eternal presence. Take the silent sacrifice of a heart when words of thanks become rare in us. Accept our silent gratefulness and keep our hearts and our minds open to Thee always!”
Paul Tillich, The Eternal Now.
I was there on Sunday and I thought Julia’s honesty was great — I think we often wreck special moments with our words when we try to speak about something which really cannot be put into words..
Richard
I wish I could have been there. I might have given her a hug!
Just deleted this Gandhi quote off my wall, to replace it! “It is better in prayer to have a heart without words than words without a heart.” Gandhi
Short, heartfelt prayers, rather than rambling words (are better).
It’s responses like this that have you earning both parts of your name: Naked and Pastor. This is a fantastically pastoral response. Perhaps “Naked Pastor” is becoming less “The pastor who is naked” and more “a pastor of the naked”. What a beautiful thing that would be.
that inner groan that comes with the confession of not being able to pray is a great prayer in itself – perhaps even one of our most honest moments.
I haven’t read any of the other comments, but my thought is this: why was it even necessary for her to pray in that moment? What struck me was at the end when she felt that perhaps her experience and the sharing of it was to admonish us at RV to love each other no matter what condition we’re in. To me that was more than enough, and was a ‘prayer’ in and of itself.
It’s okay to wish to be something more than you already are. More loving, more loving, more loving…
i have been in this same position of not praying much anymore, not knowing how to pray, or even much desire to pray. i have been wrestling with the ideas that life is so very random and that prayer often appears to be a crap shoot. This is just honestly where i am at but at least i keep wrestling. This is the 3rd thing today i have read that deals with this subject!
Thanks for sharing what’s happening in your community. i would totally respect and admire you if you were that honest about prayer.
Much admiration,
EP
Thank you… That’s all.
Yep, I agree NP – it’s not necessarily a sign of a crisis of faith. I admire someone who is willing to be honest. Given that it was an emotional thing to talk about, perhaps being asked to pray was too much after such sharing.
It’s good if your community can, with your encouragement, be open and honest, in a Godly way.
Many times, my prayers are just the wee arrow ones. God knows what I”m thinking, what I”m going to ask for, anyway.
He loves us. Bottom line.
I guess my using the phrase “crisis of faith” in my comment stirred up some things. I hope no one thinks that I was implying that’s a bad thing or that I think Julia is in some way falling away. I don’t know her, and even if I did I wouldn’t make that judgement on her. I guess that was a poor choice of words. I have little minor crises of faith often…where I struggle with a previous, preconceived idea or belief about God. They’re usually good things that lead to a better relationship. You know, like walking through a valley. And when NP said Julia said “that she didn’t know what to pray, that she doesn’t pray that much anymore, and that she really had nothing to pray at that time” I identified with her. It reminds me of how I feel when I’m going through one of those valleys. I also admired her for not praying just because someone asked her to and admitting she was at a place where she didn’t know what to say to God. Knowing me, at least the me when I was a leader, I would have prayed anyway…using some empty words that just contributed to the facade and fakeness that existed at my old church. Sorry for saying crisis…I don’t know what the right word would be to describe where we are when we just don’t pray that much anymore.
Trey, I personally don’t see the term as a negative. I guess I interpret it to be that place we come to when it’s just dark, and we question, and we hurt, and we’re just really honest about it. Whenever I’ve heard it said of someone, I think, “Oh, good. They got to that place that we all get to at one time or another.” It’s a hard place, but I think it’s where you have to continue walking by faith, and not by sight….even if you don’t realize that’s what you’re doing. Not sure if that makes sense or not.
Maybe no one had a prayer to say because you didn’t need one. The greatest prayer was the moving story. Most times just saying what it is is enough. For me, words really sound like minimizing and that’s why they are awkward.
Its the moments that communicate the best and most times just letting the moment speak for itself is all that is needed. There are so many more effective ways to communicate than words.