Bear with me as I give you an extended quote from William Glasser’s Choice Theory:
The simple operational premise of the external control psychology the world uses is: Punish the people who are doing wrong, so they will do what we say is right; then reward them, so they keep doing what we want them to do. This premise dominates the thinking of most people on earth. What makes this psychology so prevalent is that those who have the power- agents of government, parents, teachers, business managers, and religious leaders, who also define what’s right or wrong- totally support it. And the people they control, having so little control over their own lives, find some security in accepting the control of these powerful people. It is unfortunate that almost no one is aware that this controlling, coercing, or forcing psychology is creating the widespread misery that, as much as we have tried, we have not yet been able to reduce.
This misery continues unabated not because we have thought it over and decided that controlling others is best. It continues because when people do not do what we want them to do, coercion and control are all we think of using. It is the psychology of our ancestors, our parents and grandparents, of our teachers and leaders, of almost all the people we know or know about. Coercion, to try to get our way, has been with us so long that it is considered common sense, and we use it without thinking about it. We neither care where it came from nor question its validity.
If external control is the source of so much misery, why is it the choice of almost all people, even powerless people who suffer so much from it? The answer is simple: It works. It works for the powerful because it often gets them what they want. It works for the powerless because they experience it working on them and live in hope that they will eventually be able to use it on someone else. The lowest people on the totem pole look up more than they look down. But even more so, the powerless accept it because as miserable as they may be, they believe that they are not free to choose otherwise. They further believe, usually correctly, that to resist would be worse.
THIS IS WHAT I’VE BEEN SAYING!!
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Hmmmmmmm…
I hate to admit it, but I think he is right…
Does he propose an alternative?
This really is a thought for pondering.
Thanks, David!
Forget my question about his alternative…I have a computer and can do some research myself!
Duhhhhh!
:>)
As a counselor I use Glasser’s Choice Theory every day. Once we stop trying to control everyone all the time (and instead focus on changing ourselves), it’s amazing how much better our relationships can become!
this is essentially one of the aspects that barry scwartz points out in his talk about our loss of wisdom and discernment at the TED conference back in February:
http://www.ted.com/talks/barry_schwartz_on_our_loss_of_wisdom.html
Agreed! My response would be to be open to being enabled to make a choice and then enable others to do the same.
Submitting to someone who knows me and loves me more than I know or care about myself is in my best interest. I am my own worst enemy. There is a freedom in knowing you have placed yourself into the hands of someone who knows what they are doing and who cares about you as though you were their own self.
Is this kind of relationship possible? I know it is!
The problem, Boe, is that living in a fallen world, we are all too often expected to submit to those who do not know us, do not love us, do not necessarily know what they’re doing and certainly don’t care about us as if we were their own selves.
The kind of relationship you described is not only possible, but ideal. However, the kind of relationship William Glasser (and David Hayward) is warning us about is not the relationship you described. We need to submit to Jesus and those He tells us to submit to — and be wary of anyone else who demands similar allegiance.
Oh wow David – That’s the Bible, that’s exactly what the Bible is like – Isn’t it awful?
I’m so sorry. Where else can I go?
and thank YOU for saying it!
Perhaps the above quote is the reality Paul could see in Gal 5 when he said that it is, “For freedom that Christ has set us free.”
Perhaps the alternative (control through shame and fear) is so toxic that the risk of freedom — like life spilling all over the floor — is infinitely preferable to the heart of God.
Perhaps freedom is an end enough in itself because, once people are set free, they can’t help but want to hang out with their Liberator — and thus be transformed…
I believe what Boe said is the relationship between christ and us??
Being free and transform into a new life.
I think that’s why we are all here.
Dave,Thanks for the quote.
Living in a world without a lot of external controls requires a lot of personal responsibility. It requires awareness at a level that few people have. It requires honesty that few people have. It requires that the heart makes the choices and not the ego or fear.
I think it demonstrates the principle contained in the statement, “You can’t cheat an honest man.” Once we loose our fears then no one can control us. Once we loose the need to listen to our ego, then nothing else can control us.