Trapped or Free
Are you feeling trapped? I suppose I could ask this of anybody in any kind of situation. Of course, I will add my disclaimer that there are some situations people find themselves in which they have no choice. They are indeed trapped and cannot escape. What I am addressing here is something different. And I guess I’m asking this particularly of pastors: Do you feel trapped? Let me tell you a story…
Lisa and I met in a pentecostal bible college. We got married in 1980, moved to Boston for me to attend seminary. After I graduated we entered the Presbyterian church. Long story short, I was ordained in 1987 and started pastoring three Presbyterian churches in Atlantic Canada. I was, as some of my friends said, a strange mixture of reformed theology and charismatic experience. I tried and tried to inject some passionate, experiential type of worship and community life into the Presbyterian churches I pastored, but it was a long, arduous and painstaking process. I now question my attitude and the way I approached things back then. The gist is that over the five years I was in my first charge I experienced an intense frustration with the glacial progress of my intentions for the churches. This lead to a deep feeling of thirst and longing for a passionate spirituality once again in my own personal and communal life.
Then, in 1993 I accepted an invitation by the Presbyterian Church in Canada to plant a church in the Annapolis Valley in Nova Scotia. They had done surveys and felt that there was the potential to have a Presbyterian church in that area. I accepted the invitation. I went with excitement, vision and hope. I could go into this virgin territory and start a new church with a clean slate and build the kind of church that I wanted. We moved there and started gathering people. At first I was thrilled. But it wasn’t even a few months into it when I realized that it had fallen into the same rut I had been in for years before. One reason was that this new church plant attracted some lapsed Presbyterians in the area that were patiently waiting for a Presbyterian church to come, and they arrived with all their traditional Presbyterian expectations. Another reason is that the gravitational pull of any church is towards organization, stagnation and death, including this brand new baby church! I started having to deal with complaints about the music, the style of teaching, the money, the building, the people, the leaders… you name it. Overnight, it seemed, I had become a manager of bitter and difficult church-goers. But this happened to me and this church so quickly that I was overcome with despair. I started to even more seriously question my call as a pastor. I started looking around for options. But I had none. I started thinking about the possibility of becoming a full-time artist. But that was dreaming. What would I do for my family in the meantime? I read back in my journals from those days and they are full of questions, doubts, struggles, and depression. It stretched Lisa to the max and our marriage even further. What was I to do? I couldn’t think of anything!
I remember one night going to bed early and lying there by myself in the dark. I started weeping. The tears rolled down my cheeks. I wasn’t just unhappy. I was filled to the brim with a raw and hopeless despair I had never felt before. I could actually taste the bitter iron of sorrow on my tongue. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t have any options. I was completely and hopelessly destined to fill out the rest of my sad days slaving in a job I hated with people I couldn’t stand and a church I couldn’t stomach. I had no other choice but to finally admit: I was trapped.
That night I had a dream. This was all the dream was: I was like the prodigal son, returning from bondage to his home. And I heard the words, “It’s time!“. That was it. I woke up at 5 a.m. filled with a joy like I’d never experienced before. I woke Lisa up and told her what happened. It was unbelievable. I was laughing! I woke up realizing that I wasn’t trapped at all. I was a free man! I didn’t have to do anything. And it wasn’t just a cognitive thing. I felt free. What incredible happiness filled my mind and heart. I knew, immediately, that I was free and was free to leave. It didn’t matter. I wasn’t worried. Like the prodigal son, I could stay where I was and be satisfied with the bitter but secure food of my slavery, or I could leave all this and go. Just go! I told Lisa that I felt we should just quit. Why allow my comfortable salary with annual increases, my pension, my benefits, my position, to keep us enslaved? Why? Let’s just leave! Let’s just quit and see what happens! Do we trust God or not? We are free! Let’s act like it!
Over the next couple of months we went through the whole process of telling our elders and the congregation, selling off our stuff and putting the rest in storage, and endlessly trying to explain our insanity to all those around us. No one understood. But we didn’t care! We were free. We didn’t have to remain enslaved. So we eventually packed up what we had left into our van and our utility trailer, buckled in our three young children, and drove away. We had never been happier. We had never been filled with more excitement or a sense of adventure. I dare say that the many months that followed were the most thrilling months of our lives. And I would do it all over again if it meant freedom for me and my family.
Perhaps you are feeling trapped where you are. Sometimes all it takes is the revelation that you are actually free. Sometimes it takes a revelatory peek into the reality of your situation to realize that you are actually not trapped. Sometimes the seduction of our securities is so powerful that it makes us think we are without options. Sometimes, when our securities and comforts are exposed as illusory, temporary and sometimes even as snares, we can free ourselves of them. This experience taught me that. It taught me that I am a free man, no matter what situation I find myself in. It is an incredibly liberating truth to know. It may not mean leaving the situation but living as a free person within it. But sometimes it may very well mean leaving the land of your slavery behind you and moving on to new and promised land that is waiting for you.
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Oh. My. I stumbled on your blog while exploring today and must admit, it worries me deeply. My husband and I have been struggling with our Presbyterian church for over two years now, ever since he was baptized. I am beginning to wonder if this aging denomination is full of angry, bitter, people who resist change with every ounce of their being! My husband was drawn to the church (after 13 years of my prayer for him) through Contemporary Christian music. When our pastor wanted to introduce Contemporary worship to our congregation, it seemed like an answer to prayer for us. Hubs has led our praise band ever since he entered the church. But what followed his enlightenment was a bitter battle that has wounded all parties. Our church is having great difficulty recovering. We are tired. I know God will take care of this, but reading your words about freedom has stirred something inside. I still don’t know what God is calling us to do, but I do feel a little lighter. Thank you. I’m sendin your URL to my husband.
The “land” of slavery is an internal place. The challenge is, once we break out of it, to make the wise choices in our external life.
I, as a minister, know you can’t lead people into “freedom” unless you are “free”.
You will likely never have a church with passionate spirituality due to the constraints placed in you from your own presbyterian expectations and the constraints placed on you by presebyterian thinking people.
I was blessed years ago to never settle for anything else BUT passionate spirituality and an overcoming life. I will never live below that again.
I pray that you do as well.
David,
I enjoyed reading about your experience and journey.
You write: This experience taught me that. It taught me that I am a free man, no matter what situation I find myself in.
——I know that my signing off on occasion with “MAKE IT a great day” has and does offend some folks who read your blog–however, the journey you describe you have been on, and the point in your life that you now find yourself in is what has led me to the philosophy of “MAKE IT….” I too can say “I am a free man, no matter what situation I find myself in.” And with that freedom comes “MAKE IT….”
Your story gives me a better perspective about my freedom–you have put into words better than I could–my life’s attitude.
fishon [jerry]
Wow, this was great and reminds me of what our family has done. In the last year, my husband left his lucrative career and business to go into full time ministry on the “poor” side of town. We sold our 3400 sq ft home, packed up our 4 kids and moved into an almost 100 year old 1800 sq foot home and WE COULDN’T BE HAPPIER!!
We are now free from the bondage of “the house payment” and the false securities and we now live in a freedom that is undescribable and from Christ alone!
Thanks for sharing your story.
THANK YOU. Thank you. Thank you. Please keep sharing.
I thought of something. I wish you could read or connect with the leader of the burnout ministry for pastors at http://www.smolderingwickministries.org. I think I shared this site before, but your post was so awesome, maybe they would want to put it on their site?
Excellent post David. Keep ‘em coming. I like it, I love it, I want some more of it.
The truth that you shared that resonated most powerfully within me was:
“It may not mean leaving the situation but living as a free person within it. But sometimes it may very well mean leaving the land of your slavery behind you and moving on to new and promised land that is waiting for you.”
As pastors, God wants us to be free whether leaving…or staying. How this came about in my life was becoming free from intimidation and the fear of man. I am a very bold person (shock! lol) but many times would make concessions as a leader that God never wanted me to make regarding the church and it was not due to wanting greater unity in the church, or out of love for people — but because of those securities and comforts you speak of. When God revealed to me my wrong motive for conceding, I repented of it, asked him to break that stronghold off of me, and started walking in boldness concerning what He spoke to me to do. I believe God has not called us as leaders to control, however he has called us to lead. Sometimes my leadership was hindered by my fear of the ramifications concerning securities in my life.
Living that way, your securities and comforts are still in jeopardy anyway, (be real – we can only count on Him when it gets down to it). So when a pastor lives that way, you’re just as miserable because not only are you not secure, but you aren’t leading the church the way God told you to. These past few years have been a time of learning to pastor the way God is leading and let the chips fall where they may, no matter what that means.
But I will say, while my husband and I will pastor a troubled or hurting church (that’s all we’ve ever walked into — a place we had to restore), we will never, ever again pastor an abusive church. We would walk out in a heartbeat…and did in one case — overnight just as you did. I would never in a million years ever subject myself and my family to that again. I’ve had people say to me,”what if it was God’s will?” I don’t believe it is. People say, “what if nobody took those churches and had your attitude and then they shut down?” My answer to that…”and the problem with that is…?”
(((Hugs))) from Tampa where I’m waiting for it to cool down…
~ Deanna
“And it wasn’t just a cognitive thing. I felt free.”
Maybe that’s the difference between religion and Spirit. We experience overwhelming freedom, but over time it becomes a cognitive pattern rather than a living, breathing, visceral reality. We solidify Spirit with religious proxies, and in doing so forget real freedom.
Your story reminds us that the Spirit is fluid and cannot be captured by human ideas. It is the other way around – infinite Spirit captures us, offering heavenly freedom – bypassing a lifetime of cognitive understanding in order to reach the innocence of a childhood long forgotten. Becoming like children – isn’t that what Jesus is all about?
This story isn’t just an example of a decision made long ago, but an example of how to live life each day.
thank you…
this is what I was saying on one of your other Blogs about ‘church members’ moving on too.
I am really glad you have been through this…
Lord release more and more of us…
our yoke [calling] IS Light, not burdensome as some make things out to be [Rob Bell's insights on 'yoke,' in Velvet Elvis,' are so helpful].
I am speechless…I’ts like you know better than anyone I know what I am going through even though you and I are thousands of kilometers apart. I am reasonable convinced that I should and could leave…but I struggle with the age old male fear that I won’t be able to provide well for my wife and kids on a smaller salary (wich will probably be the case if I switch) I guess it comes down to a lack of trust in the fact that God will provide and maybe that this lack of trust is what truly trapps many pastors! I also fear that I will repeat this viscious cycle elsewhere and then will realize I, not them was the problem all along. Gee, I feel hopelessly trapped. I need a dream like the one you had!
Hey guys let’s disguise this piece as an ancient document and convince authorities that this is a long lost letter of Paul so that it could be included in the Bible. I’m sure nobody will find us out (even though Presbyterians are mentioned-they have been around for ever!)
Gabriel,
I want you to know I am praying for you. My heart goes out to you. My husband and I have been where you’re at…a few times.
I also want to encourage you not to fall into the trap of thinking any of this is your fault. Your statement of wondering if you were the problem all along…it reveals an important piece of your heart. You have obviously thought about it and asked that question. With the angst that you are feeling I’d bet my shoe collection that you’ve asked the Lord that question. I can safely assume the people you’re dealing with haven’t done that. If they had honestly asked, He would have spoken to them about their attitudes. But let’s be real, they didn’t ask. They are carnal Christians (if indeed they are Christians).
Something a mentor told me that I’ve never forgotten is this — when things in the church are going right, it’s not my fault. But when everything is going wrong, it’s not my fault either. It’s good to remember this no matter what season we find ourselves in. Don’t blame yourself.
You’re heart is obviously very soft and open before the Lord, this is evident. He will take care of you but I just wanted to encourage you that many people understand this place you find yourself at in your journey, and are praying for you.
Calling your name before God in Tampa, FL ~ Deanna
(((hugs to you and your family)))
How many Presbyterians does it take to change a light bulb?
The whole congregation: one to do it and the rest to mumble and chunter that it has never been done that way before.
My introduction to church was when my father decided to change careers mid-life and became a Presbyterian minister.
I hope that church can survive the passing of the current crowd of blue-hairs as then there might be room for new things. I won’t attend a church that has an organ, and I can’t *stand* droning hymns.
Yep, this post resonates with me too. I attended a Lutheran church for a time – sounds just like the Presbyterians. Bitter, older congregation resistant to change but insistent on keeping out the riff-raff. I wore a pair of blue jeans to church one week and you’d have thought I’d broken a commandment! Thanks David.
Thanks Deanne. You encourage me more than you may realize!
I’ll be free of my student loan debt when I die. I can’t walk away from it, like a house you can’t pay the mortgage on. I can’t dismiss it in bankruptcy. No jubilee year for me. They don’t do that ’round here.
I will be carrying that boulder of debt – or cross, if you will – on my back until the day I die.
[Note: I certainly have no one to blame but myself in this matter, having incurred the debt through my own free will, confident I could pay it back; things changed.]
So the problem lies within the Prysbetarian churches then?
I couldn’t help, but notice the following:
“I could go into this virgin territory and start a new church with a clean slate and build the kind of church that I wanted.”
Did you ask yourself what kind of church God wanted?
Gabriel’s tongue in the cheek comment that the “dream” be disguised as an ancient document and authorities be convinced that it is a long lost letter of Paul so that it could be included in the Bible, takes it even further.
It begs the question: Is God’s will still important to today’s pastors, or is it merely an issue when they try to justify their controversial decisions.
I also cannot understand why pastors would want to introduce charsimatic tendancies and practices in churches and congregations that feel more at home with the more orthodox way of worship, and, why they are taken aback when the meet stern opposition. Surely there are many other churches that would not be opposed to it. Or do the issues of salary, pension and benefits come into play again?
I guess this comment makes me one of the mumbling and vhuntering Prysbetrians.
All the best