I had a sleepless night last night. I went to bed at 1am, woke up at 2am, and was up the rest of the night. I’m worried about my community. I always feel very inadequate as a pastor, in spite of my extensive theological education, pastoral experience and apparent gifting for it. “Apparent” I say because often it doesn’t seem apparent to me. And apparently it doesn’t to quite a few others also. Sometimes… no, most the time, I feel like I’m trying to herd cats. We are all inclined to pursue our own interests and go our own separate ways. The cohesiveness of the body is slight, fragile and never consistent. So I was awake all night worrying and praying, begging the Lord to please do something because I can’t seem to.
We never arrive… personally nor corporately. The moment you feel you’ve accomplished a certain level of security, poof!, it’s gone. Everything fades like grass and withers away. I realize that establishing some requirements, expectations and rules might alleviate the vacillating nature of our community, but that is not an option for me. I know that trying to guarantee a certain permanent level of comfort and security is not the way of the cross. So, as a result, I suffer nights like last night. Bottom line: it’s going to be up to the will of God and the will of the people to keep this community alive. God please, because I love it, this slender, delicate and lovely piece of your body.
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David Hayward is an artist trapped in a pastor's body, stripping to the essential.
I’m sure Jesus felt like he was herding cats with the disciples most of the time, what with them jockeying for position and failing to grasp much of what he was about – so you’re in good company!
I pray the Holy spirit brings you comfort till your discomfort passes, and I’m sure you are more capable than you are giving yourself credit for if the compassion and thoughtfulness you display here is anything to go by.
Wishing you a better night.
You know, there might be a way to help alleviate some of this ‘pressure’.
Didn’t Moses – when he was a judge of some sort concernig the law – set up many judges to help in the process (inclluding his father-in-law)? Maybe one way to alleviate this pressure is to have more people help in leading the people? Maybe certain people for certain problems – like one for theology, one for counselling, one for marriage stuff, etc. I have been thinking about this for a while now (for no good reason) – thought I’d throw it out here.
My hopes are with you.
I agree with you about permanence. It’s something we all long for but it probably isn’t to be found in this life. The landscape is always changing and just when you’ve got everything figured out, it shifts again.
There’s nothing you’ve written here that couldn’t be echoed by hundreds, even thousands of people in vocational pastoral ministry. Only you said it better: “herding cats.” Gotta love that one.
From the many pastors I’ve gotten to know through our Christian bookstores, I am starting to conclude that pastoral ministry HAS to be a calling, because no human is truly wired for it. You’re seeing it differently now, but really, is the cat herding much different today than from the day you started?
It’s pretty much been that way (for 50 years) in the faith community that I’m a part of as well.
Look how successful and together Jesus’ community was. Paul wouldn’t get past the first interview for a church today.
This is the spiritual warfare that affects us all and this is exactly why pastors are so crucial. We need to be kept in Christ…by His Word and His sacraments and this just doesn’t materialize out of thin air. Preachers have to be there.
Christ will always take care of His Church (no matters what eventually happens in your community or mine) and He never forgets His people.
So try and not lose too much sleep over it. (easier said than done…I know)
Brother,
Be still and know that He is God. From following your blog, you have a very sincere and compassionate heart. You don’t like rules and legalism, neither do I. I favor Grace and Mercy because that’s what the Father gives us.
I pray that you find comfort, rest, and peace in Him.
Believing for a much better day tomorrow… you are not alone!!
Praying for you in Tampa, FL…with love & blessings,
Deanna
God our father, our shepherd and guide,
Look with love on David, your servant,
Your appointed pastor of the Church.
May his word and example inspire and guide the church
May he, and all those in his care come to the joy of everlasting life.
Grant this through our Lord Jesus Christ, your son, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit,
One God, for ever and ever. Amen.
That’s interesting… one of my pastors co-wrote a book called “Herding Cats”.
i really resonate with this post & am familiar with those kind of sleepless nights. it helps to know you & others feel that stuff too. -l