Last night I had a couple of dreams:
In the first one I am David with a slingshot. I am chasing a giant. I am incredibly brave and courageous and my shots are powerful, accurate and strong. The giant is running away and I am chasing him down. When I get close enough I realize I have been trying to get away from David. The giant is me.
In the second one there are two men talking on a sky-diving plane. One wants to continue on and live a life of adventure. The other one says that going “under 2002″ did him in and he doesn’t want to take risks any more. I realize that both of these men talking are actually me.
These are the two realities presently at work in me. One is strong, brave, loves adventure, and wants to take risks. The other is wounded, afraid and longs for security. I’ve always been intrigued with David, my name’s sake, and the courage it took for him to face the giant. I’ve always fantasized about slaying giants. As I’ve matured, I’ve come to realize the giant is actually me with my own boisterous, stubborn and defying attitude. The greatest enemy to myself is my own self.
And in 2002 I took an incredible risk, left my church and accepted an invitation from an international ministry to start a church in New Hampshire, USA. Only five months later I was fired for “insubordination” (I’ll tell you about that some time). I went “under” big time and had to flee back to Canada. I had promised myself I would never pastor again. But, a few years later, here I am again. And I’ve wondered ever since: what is the quality of my ministry? Is the root of my discontent a bloody, festering wound of fear and resentment? What kind of pastor doesn’t want to take risks? What kind of shepherd wouldn’t risk going through a dark valley of the shadow of death to get his flock to greener pastures? Am I still a pastor because of some of the security it brings? Or do I still long for the risks that pastoring with integrity, courage and authenticity brings? Am I afraid to step out only to get wounded again? It’s almost guaranteed.
As you can see, these two dreams are a momentous glimpse into the battle that rages in my heart and mind.
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artist. cartoonist. teacher.
I hope you understand that your ability to voice these things, expose the true giants and your own battles set other people free.
I’d like to thank you for honesty and putting words to the anguish and then for clicking on “post.” Truth sets people free. I know what you do here does that for others. I pray that comes back to you.
This was a powerful post.
I get this maybe because I am sort of an artist, or maybe this is reality for many of us in ministry–such as I. Regardless, thanks for sharing this.
From my view, it’s quite the risk to create a blog called “nakedpastor” and share your dreams, hopes, fears, and failtures with the world
Just know that you’re not alone in your struggles — I’m both blessed and cursed with an overactive imagination — and have a tendency to be my own harshest critic when I allow my failures, fears or second guessing to get the best of me. Greatest comfort I find is in God’s grace, and his infinitely creative ability to bring about new beginnings — despite how many opportunties I miss or things I screw up…
As for taking risks — sometimes God calls us to step out, and sometimes he leads us to rest in green pastures. The key to me is discerning what God is uniquely calling you to do, rather than following someone else’s example or lead (easier said than done).
On that note, I’m curious — in what ways do you feel you’re not taking a risk? Do you think God is calling you to step out and take some leap of faith? Or is he calling you to a place of healing and/or quiet rest before him (which, could also be a leap of faith)? Or something different altogether?
No pressure to answer me here (or at all since we really don’t know each other) — just some food for thought…
Blessings
Bravo.
I believe that one of the most important things God wants from us is truth.
Thanks for sharing.
Thank for sharing this. It’s something even those of us not in full-time ministry can relate to – play it safe or take a chance?
Dreams are gifts. But unwrapping them and figuring out what to do with them can sometimes be confusing.
Was it Marc Driscoll that fired you? I had to man! Just a little joke.
I love your blog and what you have to say. I love the honesty in your posts. And your cartoons are absolutely hilarious.
I’d love to hear the story about you getting fired for insubordination. My guess is that you probably questioned someone on something and they didn’t like it. It happens way to often in the church.
Grace and Peace,
Keith
I’d like to hear the story of the insubordination too! Thanks for blogging,
My husband was a Lutheran pastor David, a hopscotching ministry that started 30 years ago, evolved from industrial pastoring into a consulting career, returned to the ministry when my 24-year-old daughter was killed, taking on two churches and undergoing some excruciating experiences. A part time consulting job to supplement our income led to another full time job and a leave of absence and all I know is that while he was ministering I saw him less than I do now even though he is working in LA (I live on Lake Superior) and he is so much happier. I doubt many realize how unrewarding the ministry can be, how much pressure working with congregations who do not want to change and who would rather judge than understand can be. I admire your willingness to resume the ministry. May you know peace and all good.
Thank you for sharing this. It’s so important. I wonder if you’ve ever visited a website entitled “Smoldering Wick?” It’s at http://www.smolderingwickministries.org. Anyway, it’s a ministry for pastors and lay leaders who have experienced hurt and church abuse, as well as burnout. I found this site quite helpful myself, when I went through a ministry burnout as a lay leader. I found myself incapacitated for about two weeks due to stress (and I think adrenal fatigue). We eventually left that church, and it took me about six months to feel physically normal. I have spent about two years in emotional/spiritual recovery from the experience. It seems that so many pastors are suffering like you have/are, and it is quite troubling to me. So, whenever I can, I recommend Smoldering Wick Ministries. They offer over-the-phone counseling, a retreat center and resources (articles and books). I also read a secular book by Dr. Freudenberger, called “Burnout,” also. It really helped me understand what happened to me. I will be praying for you, friend. Don’t let the enemy take you out, like he tried to do to me…..
I think you are a risk taker…I agree with the previous commenter who said having a blog like this is a risk, and really…it is. I admire you so much for it.
I don’t know what you are holding back on in your life or ministry but I think you have a lot of guts…
Blessings,
Deanna
Thanks for this fascinating post – the best I’ve read here, I reckon.
I imagine being fired must have been very upsetting and that you will still be affected by that experience.
I don’t know how one fully recovers from something like that but when I look back to broken times in my life I realise that, at least, they help me to empathise with the broken people I meet every day in my work now.
Thanks again…
thank you. . .