Grace is offensive. Back in this post from December of last year I quoted Merton:
We must be ready to cooperate not only with graces that console, but with graces that humiliate us. Not only with lights that exalt us, but with lights that blast our self-complacency. Much of our coldness and dryness in prayer may well be a kind of unconscious defence against grace. Without realizing it, we allow our nature to de-sensitize our souls so that we cannot perceive graces which we intuitively foresee may prove to be painful.
I’m convinced that it is love that induces the greatest transformation, not the threat of punishment, not the promise of reward, not passion, not effort, not willpower. If it is God’s kindness (read “love” or “grace”) that leads to repentance, then I have to believe that the same goes for me. This is why I and our community teaches and tries to live lovingly and graciously. It’s because I’m convinced this is what sets people free. Paul frequently prayed for his communities to grasp what the full dimensions of God’s love were because he believed this is what brought about the greatest and most profound transformation. Me too.
I was just talking with a friend of mine this afternoon who admitted she had gone through a spell of inexplicable anger and resentment. The usual religious or spiritual response would be to candy-coat her anger with a kind of superficial peace, something that would make her feel better about herself and more presentable to the people around her because a good religious person shouldn’t be angry. This requires a great deal of effort and denial and in the end is pure hypocrisy. Instead, she started to examine her anger and resentment and chased its shoots to the root, which she discovered was her own woundedness, her own fear of rejection and abandonment. She knows God loves her, even in her brokenness and weakness. So, when she calmly saw and admitted this, her anger and resentment instantly began to dissolve. Sometimes it happen this fast, and sometimes this kind of thing can take a lot more time.
Which is why my style and our community’s style is offensive to some: because it looks like we tolerate sin. It looks like we don’t believe in change or transformation. The kind of change that the whole human enterprise seems to admire and encourage is the candy-coated kind. Way more dazzle and impressiveness and instantaneous results. But it is just the candy coating and not the chocolate. I’m going after the chocolate, no matter how long it takes.
The fine art photograph is the creation of my friend Jorgen Klausen.
If you like this post, or if you'd like to use it, consider buying me a beer.
David Hayward is an artist trapped in a pastor's body, stripping to the essential.
Hmmm. I’m missing something here. What part of what you described looks like you tolerate sin?
I’m convinced that it is love that induces the greatest transformation, not the threat of punishment, not the promise of reward, not passion, not effort, not willpower. If it is God’s kindness (read “love†or “graceâ€) that leads to repentance, then I have to believe that the same goes for me.
I agree, but I don’t think people become Christians that way. I think it is almost entirely out of fear. Here is why:
http://i-smell-smoke.blogspot.com/2007/07/why-do-they-believe-why-do-they-worship.html
While I do believe that love is a wonderfully great motivator in life, I think fear is probably just as powerful.
Grace is offensive because it’s harder to control. It’s much easier to control actions and behaviors with rules and regulations because it’s more visible. It’s also more destructive.
People also like to cling to the candy coating. The rules and regs of becoming a “christian” (I hate that word) make them feel like they have changed themselves. Because following them gives them something tangible grasp. You and I know that this is not so. But it becomes the habit, and the way they worship. Very tough to pull away from then.
I can also see why people think you tolerate sin. You do not knife your wounded. How can you call yourself a christian organization and not condemn someone the moment they are at their weakest? (Sarcasm just doesn’t come through right without the tone inflection.) That was always my largest complaint with organized religions. Instead of lifting up, they are normally stomping down.
this post is so beautiful….i could cry
I think that we should do like it says in Ephesians 4:15, we should speak the truth in love. The truth is, God hates sin. He is also opposed to the proud. That is why we should heed what it says in Galatians 6:1, “Brethren, even if anyone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted.”
Like Nate said, you lift them up. It doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t speak out against sin; not to beat someone up, but to remind them that no good can come from it and that it comes down to a choice. But in humility we realize that we too are faced with the same choices and it is only by God’s power working in us that we choose to submit to Him and His will.
Well said.
Just last week – a bunch of us get together for a Bible study at work – I said that it’s been hard for me to escape the motions and really move on because receiving grace is painful, so I choose to just stay stuck.
Grace is amazing and beautiful. But also, in exposing the heart, is very painful at times.
Still working on that…
You’ve talked a few times about teens in your home. How can you take an 18 year old (mine in this case) who is living with their boyfriend, participating in underage drinking/probable drug use and such and give this unconditional grace while at the same time encourage them towards a life that will not leave permanent scars? I know we are to love them and I know we are not to reject them and cut off relationship with them. But there is soooooo much room in between those two. I want to know how it practically works out. I know there are not rules to be adhered to…but things on paper seem so nice and neat that in real life are terribly messy and unknown.
I also realize the hypocrisy in that I would rather deal with a daughter who has anger and resentment issues than sleeping with her boyfriend issues.
So the question I think I am really asking is, “What do you mean by tolerating sin?â€. Would you let them sleep together in your house (as an extreme example). Would you go to their place when there is alcohol being consumed by those who are underage? In that is “toleration†but I can’t see doing those.
I mentioned elsewhere once that the Awesome Father had it easy in that the prodigal son did not live close enough to come home and do wash.
What do you think? I love this grace message, I just don’t know what it really looks like I guess.
church should not be a circus and leaders should not be circus masters. i love what you say about love david.
former leader… would you really rather deal with a daughter with anger and resentment issues? would that really be less damaging? i think it’s important to ask why you would feel that way. i wouldn’t swap places with you for the world… it must be very hard to see your child choosing a way of being that displays different values to the ones you hold… very hard indeed.
but however you feel about it, if the law says they can share a bed, how would you say ‘no’ to it in your own home. i have close friends who live together and when they sleep over they share a bed… why wouldn’t they?… i love their love for one another. i wouldn’t stop a muslim couple from sleeping together in my home because i didn’t like the idea of arranged marriages. i know it feels different, because it’s your daughter… but what is the difference really?
i wonder whether we have to be very careful not to mix our moral beliefs and rules with the message of the scriptures… our morality is so wrapped up in the cultures we we are raised in.
maybe it’s important to remain generous towards your daughter… because if you do everything out of a sense of generosity it will be easier for you to trust the decisions you make.
please ignore all the above if it seems like rubbish to you, i said it because i hope it helps in a small way, not to try and be clever or anything… whatever you do in this situation, i wish you nothing but the best.
Great blog today David. I agree, it’s love that leads to repentance. When I know I am loved, my life changes. I just wish I could get to the place where my knowing His love wouldn’t be affected by or tainted and made gray by the church. I see the difference in my life when I am sure of His love and others’ love for me.
I have often heard it said of our church that we tolerate sin. And you explain it so well… if only they could see who we truly are, and it’s their loss that they can’t. It isn’t that sin is excused or tolerated. It’s that we are in relationship with each other and with Him.. and we love each other right where we are at and we leave God’s stuff God’s stuff. He’ll do what He wants in our hearts and He’ll lead us where He wants us to follow. Too many do His job… I know in my life that was the case.
When I was rejected, cursed and bombarded with scripture… that did nothing to make me want to seek change in my life. However, when I was embraced, loved and accepted… knowing not whether or not people agreed with my lifestyle.. AS THAT WASNT THE ISSUE.. that is when my heart became soft and longed for change.. longed to love.
I am still in process, I’m not all there… but in this environment I grow, I learn and I follow Him. This community of being able to just be Joni and not have to get it all right and know that even then.. I’ll be embraced and loved.. there’s something to be said for that.
The description of grace is wonderful and admirable and everyone says they want to aspire to it. In my experience grace actually is quite offensive because it actually does look like it tolerates sin. How else can it look? We all prefer the idea of love to its practice. I know this is true. I have teenagers and it is an incredible struggle to both love them unconditionally while trying to guide them or provide them with tools to make wise choices. My wife and I made a decision to stay in relationship with our children over adherence to rules. I’m not saying it is working, but we’d rather err on the side of grace. For this is how God treats ME! We do not want our kids drinking underage or engaging in premarital sex. They know this. We don’t just say, “Because we say so!” or “The bible says…!” We try to explain and give the whole picture. We try to remember that we are preparing them for life, not for an appearance before the bench. Huge diff. We make mistakes, but if our kids get through this knowing they are loved, then we did something right. So former leader… there’s no easy answer. Love doesn’t follow a manual I’m afraid. Every moment is new, fresh and original. I feel ya.
Jon,
I admitted that it was hypocritical for me to feel that way. It is just as damaging in many ways. And harder to deal with too.
As far as the law and morality, I believe that sleeping with someone outside of marriage is not against the law but against what the heart of God is and has been expressed in scripture. Unless you throw out the Bible it is not a question of morality but of obediance to the Father. It is not that I don’t “like” it . It is wrong/hurtful. I don’t think it is my morality being wrapped up in my culture – this morality is cross-cultural.
I appreciate your comments though. It is not rubbish if it makes me think.
My thot is … why do we feel the need to put our convictions on those we love? Why don’t we trust God to do something in their life? Maybe it’s easy for me to say not having children and not knowing what that is like. I guess I’m looking at my own life and those in my life and how I feel towards them whey they are in a situation that I deem as “sin” or against “scripture”.
I know that my life is what some deem as “sin” and against “scripture” and they feel the need to put their convictions and their standards and beliefs on me. It turns me further and further away. It does not propel me to hear what they are saying. It makes me push them as far from me as I can. Love me, be in relationship with me… show me through your life a standard of which you preach… yanno?
Does that make any sense? I don’t know, it does to me. I know that I have been on the receiving end of this kind of judgement and worry … as well as I have stood in the position of judging and worrying.
I didn’t stand up with a friend in her wedding… because she was a christian marrying a nonchristian, and I thot they were unequally yoked.. and I listened to the advise of other christians and didn’t support my friend in her “sin”.. of marrying someone that we didn’t think was who God had for her. WHO IN THE HECK DID WE THINK WE WERE?????? What was needed was for those of us who felt so strongly about it to surround her with encouragement and love and relationship… not to “have to” warn her and sound the alarms. It did nothing but make her want to push us all away. It was devastating for her.
Maybe I am way off topic. But I think a little bit of grace in the place of wanting to sound the “sin” alarm will go a lot further in someone’s life than the judgement call or reminder that their life is “sinful”. No condemnation… I bet you the person knows themselves whether or not they are in God’s will for their life. Yet somehow the church (at large) always feel the need to be the Holy Spirit for each other.. and just in case you don’t feel any conviction, let me point out to you just what is out of line with the bible.
Sorry I will stop now.. I could go on and on….
Joni,
No you should not stop. Much of what you say is brilliant. My daughter is fully capable of hearing God’s voice. I will chew on the fact that my job is to love and let him do the convicting/changing. hmmmm………
And you can pray.
) Prayer moves the hand of God. Trust Him to move in her life.. because guess what, He loves her and He has a plan and purpose for her life and He draws her to Himself.. He created her to know Him. Pray for her.. and love her and watch GOD transform her life.. maybe not in the way you want it to look, maybe not in the timing you want it to happen. But if you’ll trust Him and pray… I know He’s faithful!!
Former Leader,
I just wanted to add:
“………at the same time encourage them towards a life that will not leave permanent scars?”
Call me a cynic, but it seems to me that a life without permanent scars is a life un-lived. We can’t shield anyone, not ourselves, not our children, from the ugly parts of life. No matter how big we build a wall, it will come in through the cracks. I just went through the same things with my son and am gearing up to go through them with my daughter soon. We can only be there to hold them up when the storm comes in the same way the Father hold us when our storms come. Good luck my friend, I’ll be praying for you.
Love this post. Well done.
And, Joni, thanks for saying the things I struggle to say….
Having been on the receiving end of “confrontation of sin”, it is hurtful and destructive.
I KNEW that I had done things wrong, but my problem was I didn’t know how to find my way back, and all the people that I wanted to get help from figured they must keep confronting me….
I began to change when I let down my defensive guard enough to let God in. To let Him send the people that didn’t look at the sin, but saw ME……a hurting, sensitive person, who wants to understand, wants to do right, and is trying to deal with a huge suitcase full of issues.
One of the quotes that God gave me to hang on through the worst of it: “God is not obsessed with sin; He is obsessed with Love.” Graham Cooke
Romans 2 says some interesting things about this…
1You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things. 2Now we know that God’s judgment against those who do such things is based on truth. 3So when you, a mere man, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God’s judgment?
4Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, tolerance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness leads you toward repentance?