Yesterday I met with someone who asked about my message that morning. I insist that you can’t embrace the reality of the cross and pursue the security of success at the same time. I also said that we could increase the attendance at our church as well as the giving, but I can’t prioritize that with a clear conscience if I hold Jesus Christ and him crucified at the center of all I believe and do. This person asked, “What would you do, if you felt free to do it, that would increase the attendance and giving?” I’ve thought about it, and I came up with a rather cynical (yes, I know… unusual for me) list of 10 things you could do to achieve better attendance and giving:
- Don’t allow people to participate in the worship band or any other prominent, visible ministry who don’t have excellent attendance and who don’t tithe.
- Befriend the good, consistent supporters and avoid those who aren’t these things. Everyone wants to be in the inner circle.
- Reward those who give with frequent public recognition and praise.
- Teach that giving to the church is what gets God acting on our behalf.
- Always concoct the impression that something great is just about to happen so that the level of anticipation keeps people coming, expecting the special event to happen at anytime. Keep the excitement level high and eliminate the darker realities of human emotions from the service.
- Sow the idea that going to church whenever it is open is the same as being the church.
- Never be afraid to use fear or guilt as a motivator for beneficial results. You must realize that these are the greatest causes for seeing almost immediately the effects you want.
- Blame sin for the reason why people don’t advance in the church. This creates the idea that perfection is what produces promotion.
- Use incentives such as fund-raisers, pledge campaigns, bake-sales, auctions… anything that will fondle money out of people who normally wouldn’t let go of it so easily.
- Brand and market yourself and your church as wealthy, successful and positive, then play the part yourself. This will create the ethos of prosperity and success that attracts money.
Maybe you have some suggestions of your own?
The fine art photograph is the creation of my friend Mark Hemmings and is from his mannequin series.
Contributions to nakedpastor are greatly appreciated.
David Hayward is a pastor artistically stripping to the essential.
I’m glad you are opting for the focus on Christ option, we have enough church that take your suggestions already.
Sadly, you’ve described the majority of churches out there. While there may be many churches that are small for the wrong reasons, I’m coming to believe that *all* large churches are large for the wrong reasons.
BTW, mannequins are creepy. :^)
I’m sure my former pastors could give you an additional fifty effective (and highly creative) techniques to increase church attendance and profit, I mean income.
Here’s one that my friends and I who used to attend that church laugh about: “A member must contact the church office in person to have his/her name removed from the membership list. Even after doing so, the member’s name must remain on the list until such time as he/she can procure a letter from his/her new pastor verifying active participation in a Biblically sound church. If the church is not found to be Biblically sound; if the letter has not been signed by two witnesses AND legally notarized; or if the “former” member is not attending church, his/her name shall remain on our church membership roster.”
That way the church can say “We have grown 35% in the past year!” (when in fact, 100-500 members have gone elsewhere but just can’t manage to get their names of the damn roster!) For purposes of bean counting, apostate members are more valuable than former members.
Okay, I’m exaggerating a bit. But I do have a friend who has contacted the church office by phone at least twenty times to have her name removed from the church’s mailing list. She still gets mail from them about once every two weeks. (I guess someone’s offering envelope is specially marked “for pointless mail expenses”!)
Your list perfectly exemplifies my former church. And that’s why we left. Christ was no longer the focal point. He was just another sponsor to thank at the Annual “Which Church is Best?” conference.
# 6 reminds me of a conversation I had with my three-year-old son yesterday.
Lyle (out of nowhere): “Daddy, Jesus lives in heaven.”
Me: “And he lives in our hearts too.” (I know, it’s more complicated than that, but he’s three.)
Lyle: “And he lives at the church.” (He’s always trying to one-up me.)
Me: “Actually, you are the church. So if he lives in your heart, he’s living at the church.”
Lyle: “I’m not a church building! I’m a little boy.”
I figured a lot of highly educated pastors don’t understand what it means for us to be the church, so I didn’t need to push it with my three-year-old. But believe me, I’m going to do my best to help him understand that during the next 15 years!
(It sounds like such a short amount of time…!)
David:
You’ve used many overly idealized female images in your posts—this latest one being a blonde, beautiful fake woman (ie. mannequin).
I guess I’m hoping that Mark’s photos are a satirical commentary on the unrealistic portrayal of women in fashion & media?
Because when I read a post that has nothing to do with the beautiful (sometimes naked) women pictured, I feel rather affronted—like when a woman’s beauty is used in conjunction with a car ad or beer commercial.
As a woman who is less than ideal, it just seems a bit gratuitous.
Elizabeth: Actually, I’ve used about the same amount of men pictures I believe, especially with the mannequins. I’d have to go back and count, but that is something I’m very conscious about. And even though I’m using figurative art a lot to illustrate my posts, I do try to find some connection symbolically between the two. The mannequin thing is to portray the shallowness and artificiality of much of what we believe and do, that’s all.
we used to be the youth pastors at that church!
11. Pastor, make sure you use lots of that money you’re raking in on your building. And yourself. You deserve it!
Sigh. I just love this blog.
Mooooo. Only the best get to volunteer and the guilt and fear thing. Oh, yeah, been there. Part of why I’m in the pasture.
In this house we use a show-biz term to describe the big churches. They’ve “jumped the shark.” We joined a church in the process of becoming big – their building project meant that they ate common meals in the library and halls, and met outside, etc. The whole thing had a “living in tents” feeling, and we get entirely the wrong impression. It’s the closest a church we attended ever came to being out here in the paddock, and it was warm, simple, unaffected, and friendly. Then the sanctuary was finished, and the politics were proportionately more painful.
ooh naked pastor… you need your naked reverend botty spanked for this naughty post!
i love the way you celebrate the human body in the pictures you show… artists love bodies, it’s that simple! a reverend who is publicly unashamed of the nude i should imagine is rare… probably more taboo in your culture than mine.
have you seen jenny savilles work? some of it i wouldn’t put on my wall… but some of it is great. she is quite a large woman and paints nude self portraits… pretty raw some of it… but there’s a couple she’s done of herself lying on a glass coffee table seen from below and her body’s all squished up… it’s brilliant. check her out… be warned, it’s pretty honest!
i’m a big fan of renoirs nudes, all gold, pink and cherry red… painting back in the day when voluptuous and voluminous were the asthetic norm… i find his paintings always bring on the need for a cuddle.
the human form, in all its mind numbing diversity is the best work of art the creator put his hand to… you’ve just got to love a creator like that!
There’s a special place in heaven for us cynics. I’m just hoping that special place serves a full-bodied red wine from the Valpolicella region of Italy…and has Guinness on tap.
11. Create and distribute full-glossy printed brochures for every church event. This is fulfils a twofold calling – “local evangelism” and being “community oriented”. The church leadership is thereby absolved of all guilt for any perceived neglect of these things.
And Bill, your suggestion gets my hearty approval. May I add fortified shiraz and french brie to the list?
I used to wonder why God got so mad at David for counting Israel. Maybe the numbers game is dehumanizing. I think if church would stop treating people as numbers and resources to be harvested the individual wouldn’t be lost.
I understand the Churchianity and no longer participate. I found it too hard to remove the fear and guilt and keep believing.
I think if church provided a way to live life with less fear and shame a lot of people could be healed. I think if church was a place to be real without being judged a lot of people could heal.
What I hear from you is a desire to be free from the preconceptions that people have about one being a pastor. I dialog with a number of pastors in my work and often, because I am technically an athiest, they feel like they can be more open with me. I’m pretty clear that I’m tired of being judged both by myself and others. And I’m willing to hear just about anything from these pastors without passing judgment. They are all pretty lonely people. They work at providing a place of healing without having a place for themselves. The cost of being authentic is losing their job.
So, when I come across a naked pastor, that is a real rare piece of work. From what you have shared, it doesn’t sound like it has come without a cost. It is with great interest that I will continue to follow your journey as long as you choose to share it.
Reading this blog, I feel like I’ve emerged from a forest – after wandering alone – and come to a community that has embraced me as family. Where have you been? Please don’t give up.
I think I’ve been in churches that have taught at least 7 of those. In fact, I repent – I’ve taught at least 3.
Thank you, David, for everything.
A very good top ten!
Nice. Steve Sjogren led the Cinci Vineyard into hugeness and financial stability by cleaning public toilets, collecting food for the hungry, washing car windshields, wrapping Christmas presents for free, giving away hot, free-trade coffee on cold days, homework programs for inner-city children and doing their best to love their neighbour well.
I love your list for it’s BLECH factor. Quite distasteful….job well done my friend! This is the kind of cynism I like.
you see david what your openness has done?… it’s made everyone feel free to be open. i find it hard to stay away from this blog for very long. long live your nakedness!
as for the top ten… priceless!
ashamed to say that i was a member of a church where all 10 were commonly used, and i am sure if i think about it a little while i could come up with a few more to add to the list. it is unfortunate that people who claim to be christians can follow this deviant form of christianity.
Excellent advice.
Heather,
Mmmmm, brie! Shiraz is nice, but I was thinking of a hearty Amarone.
BTW, David, “anything that will fondle money out of people” is one of those lines I wish I’d written.
thanks, David. I figured you were conscious of it, just wanted to check! :0)
Excellent! A perfect model for some of the churches I have attended. The only thing I could add is that acting heartbroken, and maybe even shedding a tear or two, is an excellent motivator.
C-Pastor, sounds like you had as much fun writing this one as I did on by Blog — Let’s Get Along…Why? and Worldly Wisdom in the Church. You left out credit forms on the back of the offering envelopes, hawking vitamins and “Christian” suppliments, and bi-yearly beg-a-thons, (oops, I mean telethons).
What I don’t understand is how these churches believe that God wants them to do these things. I once had a pastor who believed that God told him that if we rebuilt our church foyer our community would get saved!
I really can’t see Jesus attending most modern day churches. If he did attend I think he would sit in the back row and cringe every time his name was mentioned. How have we come so far from the reality of “What would Jesus do?” I suggest these church leaders re-read the gospels and learn who Jesus really is and what he sees as important.
God sucks. He is bad with money and a jealous bastard that likes virgin women. Oh, and don’t think any other dumb God like Buddha, Allah, Baal, Zeus and any other supernatural being that needs your money and soul won’t take advantage of you. People that give their money to a church are very gullible and I believe think that they gain some kind of heightened social rank for deed. Well I am going to start my Business(church) also to make some good tax free income. Praise DOG
People like you are the reason people who don’t believe will never believe unless we are truly showing God’s love and the Holy Spirit is working in us. And from the sound of it, you don’t even care about what REALLY matters. As I read this, I wanted to barf. Thanks for giving the world to hate Christians even more and to deny God’s love.
I pray for God to open your eyes and your heart and to enter you so you can stop these disgusting thoughts and start sharing the Truth and God’s love without Politics.
is it not funny you need donations too for this rubbish you write. you condem greedy pastors and yet ask for money. holier than thou as they say
thanks josh. that’s the nicest thing anybody has said to me all day
The “tithing” conspiracy. God just sits there waiting for us to tithe. If we don’t, his hands are bound. It’s like a vending machine. You have to throw money into it to get something out of it. If we do God will give us wealth and riches far beyond anything we can ever imagine. The church gets bigger, can buy thousands of dollars worth of surround sound audio equipment, implement thousands of dollars worth of projection screens and even update the lighting to be more like a concert. Who cares about missionaries and community activities? The only thing that will benefit the Kingdom now is a 10 000 seat auditorium with a concert stage worship experience and a good looking pastors in Armani suits.
Now that is a Church close to the heart of God !
yours are in words what mine is in pictures.
Hallo haloooooo hallo,
They will secretly introduce distructive…… bringing swift distruction on themselves. Many of you will follow your shameful ways and will bring the way of the truth into disrupute.
Be careful when reading some of these nonesence fabricated in the factory of HEEEEL itself with stories they have made up themselves. Their condemnation has long been hanging over them, and their destruction has not been sleeping.
Note: Some of you are springs without water and mists driven by a storm.People are desperate wanting to read good stuffs to satisfy their souls but very unfortunately they turn to read jazzz. How can an unbeliever be convinced about your Christ. You are supposed to be a good spring full of words that encourage rather that words of mockery and confussion. For they mouth empty, boastful words, enticing people who are just escaping from those who live in error.
Why do some blaspheme in matters they do not understand? They are like brute beast, creatures of instict, born only to be caught and destroyed, and like beast they too will perish.
Let God arise in your minds and the enemies of the CROSS in some of you be scattered
Dont promise freedom to anyone whiles you yourselve is a slave of depravity.
God is love and Christ is real, seek him and he shall be found, and if any of you lack wisdom in your discussions let him or her ask of the Lord through prayer and his Holy Word which he has axalted high above all things. the Lord will give you wisdom.
In your ignorance, dont mock at God and his son Jesus Christ. If some men of God are wandering away, which I agree, it does not do away God´s love and plan for man. There are still Good men of God who are not after money.
The Lord will preserve more good pastors whiles many will think about their pockets.
May the will of the Lord be done on earth and in your lives, AMEN.
Please Look to God for answers in church growth and offering.
-Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not to thy own understaning, but acknowledge HIM in everything you.-
I believe some of the commentary you all have on here if the one who originated this blog is concentrating on what he believes and not what God wants. Pray over the stituation, and look to God for an answer.
-Where two are three are gathered together in my name there I will be in the mist-
If the Lord’s presence was in a church (I am a member of Newstead Avenue M.B. Church, St. Louis) and you were looking for a church home. Anywhere you feel the closest to God is where you should be. Every church is not for Everybody.
Thank You
The Tithe is what God commands of us, just a 10th of what we earn. He allows us to keep the 90%. God will give seed to the sower. How great would it be to live off of the 10th and give the 90%. The tithe is to rebuke the devour for your sake. Talk to tithers and see what they say.