Behind the depressing silence of the sea, the silence of God… the feeling that while men raise their voices in anguish God remains with folded arms, silent.*
The loudest thing these days is the silence of God. I knew when I left the church last April that I was entering a huge learning curve. I knew I filed for a very surprising, sudden and sad divorce from an institution I’d served for over 30 years. I also realized I was intentionally and purposefully entering a season of grief because of my decision. I couldn’t have predicted the depth of pain, the complexity of readjustment and the accompanying silence that lay before me.
Before April 2010 my whole life and livelihood was filled and sustained by the church and Christians. Now that has all changed. In fact, I confess that even in this blog you may have noticed my vain attempts to keep at least some of my sustenance supplied by the church and its members. But I’ve had to slowly face the fact that this isn’t to be. I’m being forced to learn what it means to live fully in the world while not of it.
It is the hardest lesson I’ve ever had to learn, mainly because of the serious deprogramming that needs to occur, as well as the deathly silence of all that seemed to be my help before. At my weakest moments I wonder if I have inadvertently brought upon myself a curse.
I am not dying physically. But so much else is.
*from Shusaku Endo, Silence.
My name is David Hayward, and I am the nakedpastor. I am a graffiti artist on the walls of religion.
It’s probably not much consolation, yet thanks to the Internet, you are NOT alone, even though it likely feels incredibly lonely.
I think the divorce analogy is a good one. You start remembering the good parts more than the bad.
You realize you truly are no longer a couple.
The fights, arguments, drama kept you connected still for awhile.
You’re okay unless you hear that voice or see the person.
You seriously consider a fling with them for old times’ sake.
You realize they are managing to get through life without you. Maybe you weren’t as special as you thought you were.
You watch “Analyze This” and hear Billy Crystal utter those awful words, “Sometimes things just end.”
Someone else finds them wonderful.
They do things for that person they never did for you.
You realize that you’re living in the past. You’ve discussed the former spouse enough. You’ve got it out of your system.
I have contemplated leaving my church recently and I can’t imagine, having served yours for 30 years what it was like. I seek freedom…to ask questions…to read from whoever I want…to listen to God and not “authorities”…but at what cost sometimes I wonder? I haven’t taken the plunge yet and I’m hoping there’s a “third” way, not an either , or…but I’m not sure there is.
I will pray for God to unleash with a unrestrained love His compassion and healing into the depths of your soul. It’s a lonely feeling being disconnected with the Body…I can relate…though not to the degree which you have experienced.
Reading through the book of Mark, Jesus asks everyone to be silent. Then when he’s on the cross and cries out, there is only silence. Then the women discover that his body is gone and they don’t tell anyone.
I don’t understand.
But I wonder whether this silence is the breaking down of our delusions and our internal institutions about Holy Love and his world.
These words you write David are so close to mine its not even funny.
Being in the world, and in a digital world, that doesn’t have or want to bubble of what I am accustomed to at church has been a hard/harsh/sometimes entertaining process. Its been a while on my end, its been a while. But man, your words bring me abruptly to that place where it also hurts.
I wish I could just give you a hug man. Am walking a similar road (and heck, maybe even will get back into drawing more often while on this road)… to the best of your ability, please keep walking forward.
We left our church fall of 2009. Up until the past few week, I felt so alienated. When loosing a network of friends, it takes time to start over…it would have been easier to move to a different state so certain locations wouldn’t stir old memories. I empathize with your pain, living through it myself.
You could join a different type of church. Of course this depends on where you live. You could start your own church.
Dr. Robert Price is someone who’s a Bible scholar, questions everything, yet attends church “and keeps his mouth shut.” He described it as keeping an open mind. He doesn’t know that the church is wrong. This is my memory of what he said about it, hopefully accurate.
I guess it depends on if you want to be connected to church in some capacity or not.
I remember the whole story of how a coal loses its heat when away from the other coals, so we should attend church. I looked at that as it’s the church and the reinforcement of beliefs that keeps it all together. In other words, you start to disbelieve if you deprive yourself of that constant reinforcement.
Finding God silent now if he wasn’t before, could be explained by simply church. I mean why would he go silent if he’s there and wanting a relationship regardless of whether you attend services.
I’ll stop. Just thinking aloud. Hope I haven’t discouraged you. Your blog is helpful to me and many others, for what that’s worth. But I know you need people with skin on, like the rest of us. A computer screen is not the same!
just a thought to reflect on in the silence
“If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair.” – CS Lewis
Don’t think you are under a curse now. Think you walked out of a false reality and true reality is very unpleasant sometimes. May seem like a curse but the pain does lessen somewhat even if the feeling of a curse sometimes persists.
It is just not what we ever imagined, huh?
it’s not what i imagined. thanks barb.
David, thanks for writing these words. Antoine, thanks for your comment. All of these thoughts are mine as well.
I am hanging on to the hope that John 12:24 has a personal application, that the dying/deprogramming/grieving of a way of life is the path to a new life.
i appreciate all your comments. you’re all very kind.
I felt like this before. I came up with:
2 Corinthians 12:9 then 1 Kings 19:11-12 and finally Hebrews 1:1
Trust in the process of life, more than you need will be provided for. Afterall, so far, so good.
I can think of only one thing when I read this : the prisoner who is freed from the cave in Plato’s Allegory of the Cave.
The hard part is to get out.
After a while, as the grief becomes less prevelant, you will rest in the silence and it will seem that God unfolds His arms and embraces you and you will connect with the Divine in ways you never imagined. Sophia will show you the way…the library she has found contains the Wisdom you seek.
Love Him despite the silent treatment… He is now treating you like the adult you have become… maturity costs
I have read Shusaku Endo’s book, Silence. In fact it’s a book I keep on my bookshelf to lend to others from time to time. Such loneliness and isolation in the book though tears you apart. I’ve never forgotten it. Not an easy read, but amazingly beautiful…Crystal.
It’s been 5+ years since I left any sort of formal gathering of Christians and I wish I could allay your fears but I still have precious few answers to share. All I know is that kindness, compassion, friendship, peace-making, self-control and things of that nature make sense while the big God questions are still out there floating in limbo.
I’m unsure of my eternal destiny but I’d like to concentrate on this fragile life, truly caring for others, even if it is counter cultural to all that I’ve been told.
Just “randomly” read not only the post but the comments and all I can say is “wow” and “thank you”. I, too, left the institution after 25 years in ministry and 52 years in its shadow (as a Baptist minister’s son and highly-committed Christian). The “detoxification” of my spirituality has been so accurately stated by this post and the responses. The loneliness, grief, wonder, and hope are so real- as is the “silent” presence of a very real God. I wouldn’t trade my wilderness wanderings to either create a domesticated God-calf or to return to the mis-remembered comforts of a culturized Christianity (“Egypt”?). I find posts like this enormously refreshing, and encouraging.
thanks obscuritus. well said. and i love your name!
I’ve decided to stop going to the Sunday morning service for a while because I sometimes feel lonely and isolated there.
I often wonder though, if it’s just me with the problem on Sundays, or whether God has left me or the church is ignoring me. Either one, I still remain involved in the groups, activities and ministries in church and outside of church because I know that’s what Jesus would do and I’m compelled to.