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I heard a pastor I worked for say this once about very good people. They had gently challenged his control issues. When I talked to the same pastor a year later about the same issue, my contract was terminated without my knowledge. Another pastor I worked for, when I suggested he was controlling, physically poked me in the chest and told me I needed to be sent away, along with my wife, for therapy. I spoke with another leader I worked for as a pastor about issues I had with his style and he fired me.
Control! I’ve been accused of this a couple of times. But for those who know me best, they know I err in the other direction. I have most often been accused of showing a lack of leadership.
This is the problem: how to exercise just enough authority to keep the people’s respect and control them, but not exercising too much authority so as to lose their respect and turn them off. Is this the balancing act most leaders are performing?
I’m a pastor to the pastorless. Email me and we can arrange some time together: haywardart at gmail dot com (read more…)
My name is David Hayward, and I am the nakedpastor. I am a graffiti artist on the walls of religion.
Profound, as usual, NP.
Isn’t it interesting how people are unable to see the truth about themselves? I don’t want to be that person! When everything is someone else’s fault, the other person is always in the wrong. They don’t see that the common denominator is… them!
Had some recent experience dealing with someone who I think is a narcissist – it’s impossible to reason with them, they are very strange people. Not pleasant at all. It’s impossible to reason with the unreasonable – as one website I just read said, it’s like spitting in the ocean.
Thanks for your continued work of peace and grace with the pen and the word.
Amen
thanks Jenn!!
Oh, so you’re actually nuts and we haven’t picked up on that yet?! Just kidding.
You are certainly brave, NP. When I read your post, I imagined myself walking into my boss’s office and giving them a little constructive criticism of their leadership style or their personality. I don’t think that would be appreciated by them.
Did you state your opinion because you thought they had the maturity to handle it well? Or did you do it out of exasperation and didn’t care at that point how it would go over?
Lynn: I am nuts. You did pick up on it I think. Actually… a mixture of both… assuming they cared, me being exasperated, PLUS not liking watching people being treated that way.
As a thought, I have been trying a ‘leadership’ practice which seems to me to go off at right angles to the balancing act/continuum of authority you describe.
I try to cultivate an atmosphere where anyone can have a say on anything, with the realisation that everyone has the right to obey, ignore, or use those thoughts as they see fit. That way I get to make authoritative statements, do authoritative actions, go in authoritative directions and everyone else gets to ignore me and go their own way, with me or without me.
In other words, I can control nothing and no one which/who hasn’t been voluntarily been put under my control for the time that I control it/them. It has the potential to be messy when that permission is suddenly withdrawn, but it seems to work (so far).
It’s similar to the idea someone told me once about the way the Roman Catholic church tends to work. The leadership issue decrees, knowing full well that large numbers of ‘the flock’ will listen to them, and then completely ignore them.
Love is controlling as well but it’s so unpredictable and often has a longer payback period than we are willing to accept. And that system would imply that we understand love ourselves.
But sadly because of that lack of understanding and experience people including ironically people in the church, don’t give it a chance.
All the investment goes to control and manipulation and fear and authority with sadly what that produces.
It seems so many know how to manage, but not how to lead.
Warren: Is love controlling? Or does love just love and, as you say, patiently wait for whatever it produces?
I think it would have been better if his thought was something like “Good, I wanted you to leave.” Personally, I’ve run across a few controlling types and whenever you do something they don’t like, it always seems like later they felt like they can take credit for it.
Sigh…as a staff pastor, I have decided that I do not work well FOR another pastor and I now try to tell/remind them that things will go very well if I am allowed to work WITH them. Then both of us can concentrate on working FOR the Lord (our real Boss).
Johnfom,
Does your ministry revolve around “statements, actions, and directions” or people? A shepherd’s first concern is the sheep, I think. Where he takes them for safety or food is simply a reflection of his love for them.
No good shepherd decides he’ll go here or there wondering if the sheep will tag along.
Thirteen months ago, my controlling, obsessive compulsive, micromanaging pastor told me, in front of two formal witnesses, that I “might be much happier in a different church.” You know what? He was right!
“how to exercise just enough authority to keep the people’s respect and control them” … did you know what you were saying? control them? this isn’t the goal of any true shepherd-pastor. He/she realizes that every sheep is indwelled by the Holy Spirit, and does not need another to “control” them. Yikes!
one of the abused,
I don’t know what NP meant, but pastors probably are quite aware after awhile-even if not at first-how much they can control people. The people are there sitting in front of them. Many times, the pastor is up on a stage. Any speaker can manipulate the emotions of a group of people. If the pastor is revered because of his position, the people may be giving him more power than he even wants.
And don’t we all seek to “control” situations or people in some way? I don’t mean in a devious, “let me manipulate you” way. It’s just part of people interacting. We try to control situations to keep ourselves feeling powerful and comfortable, to keep our fears at bay.
I, too, would like for NP to elaborate. I remember him mentioning in the past how much power preachers have. And, like I said, sometimes it’s the people who WANT them to have the power (like a child and a parent).
one of the abused: i certainly do not agree with that strategy, but that is the one that must be employed in most churches. you are right not to like that statement. and lynn has been reading my blog for a while so she understands this I am sure. and yes, lynn, I have discovered that some pastors are controlling and many people like to be controlled.
Bill,
Fair enough questions. My ministry revolves around relationships and the way we all relate is through statements (and questions, etc. Verbal communication), actions and directions.
The sheep metaphor is a good one which is useful in so many different ways, but we aren’t actually sheep or shepherds. Gotta remember, also, that we, as ‘shepherds’ in some contexts, are also sheep. We may be ‘lead sheep’ but sheep nonetheless (functional ‘firsts’ among equals?), following ‘the’ good shepherd.
When I read the accounts of Jesus calling his disciples it seems to me there is a moment of tension where they could have, but didn’t, chose not to follow. When the account says that many left him (Jn 6:66) he didn’t try to coerce them to come back.
To my mind he treated them as adults. They were ‘grown up’ enough to make their own minds up as to what they were willing to get involved in. Unfortunately in current western culture seeing ourselves that way may be something which doesn’t come naturally.
Anyway, thats part of the rationale of the way I work.
Again, I thought that NP was simply being sarcastic when he made that statement about a pastor controlling his congregation.
I have a problem with church leadership at the moment because I have sensed the control subtly woven through the whole fabric of the supposedly well meaning activity. (We are weak and ignorant and leadership hears from God to put us right and keep us on the correct path etc.)
Someone said this: “If you think yourself a leader, be sure to look behind you and see how many people are following before you proceed.”
I thought this a wise statement until I considered the common belief that we are like sheep who need a shepherd. Sheep are notoriously stupid so will follow anyone, regardless of where they are led. So, a leader could have a bunch of really ignorant people following him to disaster for all they know. (Hitler comes to mind here, and a few other cult leaders we all are aware of, I’m sure.)
Then, recently, I read that according to research on sheep ( a certain breed that I can’t remember the name of) in England, they are not so stupid as previously thought.They recognise different people’s faces and have pretty good memories. There was us humans thinking they were just wool producing machines, and they actually do a little thinking inside those woolly heads of theirs!
Anyway, now I’m not so sure about the whole “sheep needing a shepherd thing” and whether we as Christians are in such desperate need of a leader to dictate our every move. The mystery deepens.
Great cartoon, by the way, David…Crystal.
We do need A shepherd, but only One, the Great Shepherd. The rest of us who go by the title of “under-shepherd” must heed His voice and work under His leadership to care for His sheep. Rest assured we will answer to Him for the way we have treated His sheep.