Let me outline Kübler-Ross‘s 5 stages of grief. She initially used this model to describe stages she observed terminally ill patients experience. Since then her model has been applied to those who meet with grief or tragedy of any kind.
Today I apply them to our feelings of the loss of god, usually provoked by tragedy of some kind… physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual… when the god we believed in no longer suffices, no longer makes sense, no longer lives.
- Denial: This is a temporary defense to the initial shock, articulated in such thoughts as “This can’t be happening! I’m losing faith. I’m being tempted. I just need to hold on and make it through this dark valley.“
- Anger: Once we realize that denial can’t be sustained, then feelings of outrage at our situation are expressed. “Why me? It’s not fair! Who is to blame for this? Why did I let myself backslide? I need to change churches. How long oh Lord?“
- Bargaining: This stage is characterized by the hope that we can somehow postpone or avoid the inevitable. “I’ll do anything to have things back the way they were! I’ll go back to the basics. I’ll ramp up my devotional life. I’ll pray more, sin less, and God will return. I’ll get people to pray for me so I can get my faith restored. I need a prophetic word.“
- Depression: The certainty of the inevitable is finally admitted. This can be a very silent and solitary time when we begin to sever from attachments. “I can’t do this. Why bother? It’s all over. Everything was a lie. Life is pointless. Why go on?“
- Acceptance: We come to terms and even at peace with the inevitable. We can even experience serenity. “Everything’s okay. I accept it. I will learn how to live fully and joyfully in this new mode of being.“
Where do you find yourself right now?
My name is David Hayward, and I am the nakedpastor. I am a graffiti artist on the walls of religion.
Back to the five stages of grief.
When I left my church, I not only left the IC but left the music I was part of, and that loss took me through the five stages of grief. I flip flopped between anger and acceptance for a long time. (You can go back and forth with these stages.) I don’t think I ever bargained, because I knew that I didn’t want to go back ( the price was too high to pay )but denial was definitely in there ( I had to write it all down on a daily basis in my journal or I swear I would have gone mad ) along with the ever threatening depression stage. That one was what I did not want to reach because I had been there before, and that, as people have shared, can tie you up in knots for years.In the end I talked to God about it while out on a long solitary walk, and by the time I reached home a lot of my anger had dissipated.
I’m still a bit sad at the thought of probably never playing again an instrument that was like a part of my body – an extension of my personality so to speak, but realise that for everything there is a season. I was once part of a musical team and now I’m obsolete. I can’t start over at a new church because church is something I’ve given up.I wrote Christian worship music parts for my instrument and so have no avenue for anything else really. That’s it for me, but at this point in time I’m simply grateful that I had the years of opportunity that I did in this field. Some have never experienced what I did, or were given the musical freedom I had for so long. I treasure that, and am not bitter, I don’t think.
Good luck to you all with your grief. It, of itself, must never be denied. Own up to it, be honest at where you are, and let each stage teach you something about yourself. That will help you move through the stages. Hopefully, all of you will eventually reach the stage of acceptance…Crystal.
Crystal-
Thank you for the reminder that we go back and forth in these stages. I particularly like what you said regarding dealing with the denial stage by writing your experience down. And good luck to you too.
There is one problem with applying Kubler-Ross’s ideas about stages into everyday life: she was studying, and talking about, terminally ill people facing their own end. She wasn’t studying widows and widowers, or such people who have gone through a profound loss such as dislocation from being a refugee, or loss of faith. She was looking at the terminally ill, who face a far different inevitability, and loss, than the rest of us.
While still useful as one of many approaches to grief, please keep this in mind when considering K-R’s stages. Many grief theorists have come to believe it is far more fluid than what K-R posited.
Brent, while what you say is perfectly correct, most people find that applying this understanding, and other longer grief stages outlined by other grief theorists does help them come to terms with what goes on in their psyches when facing any kind of grief. After all, grief is over losing something that was precious to us, or even sometimes if it wasn’t. The parent or spouse we have fought with for years, yet who are woven into the fabric of our lives, nonetheless. The child who gives us nothing but trouble, yet leaves a huge gaping hole in our hearts when they leave. Our youth, gone so soon, and following that, our good health. In the end, we lose everything, and surely all the “little” losses along the way prepare us for that last loss – at least on a temporal level – our solitary journey out of this life into the unknown future.
So, I welcome any way in which to handle these losses. I have felt mine keenly, and I know I am not alone in that…Crystal.
@Crystal: Why not find another outlet for your music? Even if you play something odd like the didgeridoo, I’m sure there’s a world music community group somewhere within driving distance if you look for it. Giving up church is no reason to give up playing! Trust me, I’m living proof of it.
Thanks Justin, for encouraging me in my musical outlets.The main instrument I played ( actually there were more than one, but don’t wish to identify myself so won’t go into which ones they were)were not something weird so it’s true that I could find somewhere to still play, but not in church. I did play in a secular group once, but I felt that God had led me to play in church ( for his glory ) at the time, so concentrated on that. I’ve since taken up another instrument to occupy me musically but I don’t want to do the performance thing anymore. There is a time and season for everything in this life, and I’m at the latter end of mine ( still many more years to go, hopefully) so honestly don’t think I have the energy or time commitment to give to starting afresh.It’s a lot of work, as you obviously know, being a fellow musician.
I have other things I’m into as well and they are now taking precedence over what I did before. Still, my main point is that losing something that has been a major part of your personality is not easily absorbed, even if you willingly stepped down from it, as I did. I don’t regret giving up my role, as I did it for all the right reasons, but I still grieved over it. I imagined my special place up on the stage, with the mike and music stand sitting all alone, and wondered if indeed someone else was now using it. That saddened me. Does that make sense to you or anyone out there?
I do appreciate all the feedback I get from people on this blog. I feel that I have a bunch of friends who really, really care about me. I never felt that closeness in church, even within the music group, no matter how much people said they cared. Sad, isn’t it, that so many of us feel like that…Crystal.
Brent…
I like your observation… but if you widen your view, will see that most of the participants of this discussion are terminally ill christians, who are facing a dead end to their faithes… Some of them with no cure at hand. You comentary makes the subject of this discussion evem more interesting…
People, I thought we´d rather write a collaborative book called “survivng church” (what do you think David? – you can be the editor… hehe). But I think it could rather be called “Sinking at Church. how easy it is to drawn your faith when you go to church”.
Ha?
See you…
i like the expression “terminally ill christians” only if the “illness” is a healthy departure from disease.
David,
I don´t understand… what do you mean (my english is not THAT good…).
Are you online 24/7???? You´re always online…
Andre,
You mentioned “surviving church.” That’s interesting, because church is a subject in itself, apart from whether Christianity is actually true or not.
I was thinking about church, because I was considering trying an atheist group. I then projected forward and thot stuff like: Will I like those people? Will they be as nice as people at church? Will I have the same feelings I have in any social group? Will I have any more in common with those people than I did with church people?
It’s fascinating to think about.
no i’m not always online. but i do check my emails often.
what i mean is i like the term “terminally ill christians”… but the “ill” makes it sound negative, like a criticism. maybe “terminal christians”… that’s what i meant.
Hmmmmm this conversations goes far…
))hehaha
I don´t have doubts about christinism… I have doubts about chrisianity, if you understand me…
And about the ill… I see a lot of traumatized, wounded, depressive, anger, drawned, sufocated, stressed, in-panic, faith-suicidal chistians… even most of the atheist I read about here were in church before giving um christ… from my medical ponit of view, most of us here are a bunch of ill christians… suffering of a mutant kind of Cross-flu, pulpitis, churchonia, thive-phobia.. hahaha… i like it.
David i am the one who likes the tast of blood…
)
“Terminally ill christians” would sell more… maybe. we (as a group) would benefit much better if we got more sincere criticism than compassive and unobjective laments and whimper… don´t you think?
it is interesting.
i think the illness may be compared to withdrawal from a bad drug.
i’m leaving now to take my daughter back to university. let’s keep talking!
Why is it that some people LOVE church?
My observations were not meant to dismiss or negate anyone’s interpretation of their grief, nor to denigrate Kubler-Ross but only to expand the view a bit on what K-R was saying, and believe me I know her work was was seminal and groundbreaking. I do take issue with what people have done with Kubler-Ross’s work.
I guess what I’m trying to say here is that K-R is just one piece of the puzzle, not the be-all and end-all of grief theory.
Andre – grief isn’t just grief, I think it is more nuanced than that.
It’s been my experience that people getting over deaths in their midst will also vary in their experience depending on if it was a spouse, parent, sibling, chld, or pet.
Similarly, translating the grief experience from the the experience of facing one’s own death to that of losing something/someone (ie spouse or one’s faith) may not be the best perspective to take. That’s all I’m saying.
David – the Christian experience has informed and influenced the people you speak of. Even though I hate terms like this normally, I think “Post-Christian” does speak to what you might be trying to get at. Mentioning illness in any way would only either annoy people still in the church, or cast negative aspersions on the people who have left.
Me? Dunno what I call myself. Misfit, truly in the bad-fit sense that I can’t fit into either place. I’m unhappy being outside the church, but neither am I comfortable with being on my own.
What else can you call a somewhat heretical agnostic Anglican who still goes to church once in a while?
Lynn,
Because it´s good to be within a supportive group, to speak of something others will understande, because it might be safer. And also because rarely one alone did anything significant in terms of social impact alone… Paul is an exemple. He had a lot of different criticism to different churches, but he was always longing to be there. It´s our home. Brothers and sisters want frequently to kill each other, but when put aside, they always protect each other. I review that with my 3 kids…
Brent,
Don´t get stressed. I understood you, but this is not a psychology class, it´s a metaphorical forum… As well as it is not a hospital (my professional environment). Most of the people here are lay people (lay preachers, lay theologians, lay everything). They don´t know it by heart. They are discussing something common but unknown. I see hurt people all around the place. In fact it is for those kind of people that Jesus came, isn´t it? I came for the sick, the poor and the desperate. And most of us are seing our own religious life die, not others.
Still, everything in human experience is much more nuanced that any nomination we can give it. Salvation, faith, grief. Every feeling is personal e meaningfull just the the context of the being. We nominate to talk of a comon subject, but never will it be suficient…
Nakedpastor,
Have a nice trip.
Andre,
I hope I find all that good stuff in the atheist group.
It is possible.
But there will not be conversations of grace, of forgiveness, of psalms.
But, go get comfort. The bible says that “if you do not speak, even the stones will cry out”. I´ll not talke long in that, and I KNOW that there are other explanations to that, but in this case, if God´s sons were unable to live life smelling of grace, you are surely right to go find it anywhere else. But remember, Men and women of God are not God. Should be but are not. That´s the controversy of representing a perfect message through imperfect lips, to imperfect ears.
But I am not sure you do not believe it… I feel like you are running from christians rather then not believing. Because for an atheist, God and the gospel are just irrelevant. If it takes you to those discussions with so much of relevance and self exposure, I guess (and I might be wrong) that you care about god and the fellow pain-in-the-nack brothers and sisters… I can feel pain in your voice.
Good luck, anyway.
Interesting. And thanks, I’ll have to report back on how it develops.
Can´t wait.
See you.
If you pass by Brazil, here in Santos, we can do a koinonia with pizza and coke.. hahahaha .
See you. Now, I´ll have to work.