The cost of honesty is sometimes high. Especially when it means being honest with yourself.
Here’s the deal: you set the price. But: the market pressures you into setting the price on your own honesty.
Example: you decide you want to be honest about your religious beliefs.
You have come to realize, after serious study, thought and brutal self-honesty, that the beliefs you’ve held on to are now bankrupt. They used to be valuable to you. But now they are worthless. You know the honest thing to do is to dump them.
But the market demands, silently or otherwise, that you hold on to the beliefs you’ve held all these years. It says that even if they’ve lost value, it is only temporary and that, given time and patience, they will regain and even increase their value. The market says that you should not let them go, and that if you do, you will pay a very high price for it in the long run. Your gut tells you that the market is predominantly motivated by fear.
What are you going to do? Listen to the market? Or trust your own instinct and intelligence?
My name is David Hayward, and I am the nakedpastor. I am a graffiti artist on the walls of religion.
Geez, isn’t this the truth! And if it isn’t motivated by my own fear, it is motivated by the fear of 27 other people in my life. After what I wrote yesterday, I think I’ll take your post today as confirmation that thinking for myself minus the fear has me on the right track. Now if only a few million others could lose the fear and learn to think…..what a different world this would be.
(I actually wrote this before I read the post, but it seems such an appropriate response.)
I think I didn’t leave sooner because I knew how absolutely embarrassed I would be by the person I was at the time. Of course, the longer this went on, the worse it got. My pride was on the line. As long as I was right, how bad I looked didn’t matter. This is, of course, mainly my fault, but the ridicule and critisms from others (this lack of isolation in my little world) didn’t help. They did the opposite of what they intended. They made me realize, more and more, how foolish I looked to everyone else, how much I was risking, in personal pain, by recanting, which only wanted to make me hold on all the more, which made me more fervent, which made time pass, which ultimately made things harder and harder. But I would have been embarrassed by myself without their help.
I probably realized this to some minor extent early on. It didn’t help that the place where I was immersed, and the places they were trying to drag me, got worse and worse over time, like a frog in slowly boiling water, it was hard to know that/when I needed to leap out. That slow realization seemed to come too late to not be incriminated myself. It came after I had started to go insane and had begun to inflict my insanity on others.
Of course, the water did eventually reach a roaring boil, the kind it’s really hard to ignore, because it hurts so much. But I still tried to salvage as much as I could, stave off the humilitation by clinging to as much as I could still convince myself of.
It’s been a long time realizing it’s better for me to come clean – maybe quick like a band-aid, maybe not – but getting there all the same. And that I’ll eventually have to live with the person I was anyway.
Maybe that’s become my testimony. I never had one of those, I-drank-and-fought-and-stole-until-I-met-Jesus stories (my life only got worse and worse once I was in). Maybe now I have a I-was-so-insane-until-I-found-myself/the-world-again stories, which might actually amount to the same thing. I can look back at the sad person I was and thank God for the reason that let me escape it all. My life is actually better this time. And people believe me, relate, see my miracle.
Now what?
I’m not sure if you mean paying the price as in burning in hell forever or paying the price of social or customer rejection.
As far as American society, if you aren’t Christian, you are in the minority. And if you used to be Christian, you suddenly find out what it feels like to be a minority.
I think I’ve discovered how gay people must feel-always feeling like you have to hide who you really are or you won’t be accepted.
But there are people who accept people as they are. And that’s a good thing.
David,
I just remembered you’re Canadian-lol! Are they mostly Christian also?
LOL, Lynn.
It’s comment like that that remind me how different it is to live in Canada.
To clarify, it’s easier to be gay than Christian in Canada. (And I would know.)
Ok, ok. That’s probably unfair to say. Everything is about demographics – where you live, how old you are, and (maybe most significantly) what brand of Christian.
But I remember being put through the ringer for being fundamentalist. Pure torture. The only people who’ve said one wrong word about me coming out were in the church (which isn’t nearly as many people here), and not even all of them. I get a few odd looks now and then, but infrequently enough that is takes a full three seconds to realize what the look was for.
Well, if you had to broadly characterize Canada, how would you describe it as far as religion?
In the U.S., I’d say mainly Protestant, lots of Catholic, with a few non/religious. The South is mainly fundamentalists. I’m from the South but now live in the mid-Atlantic area.
Very cool comparison!
On xnrealists I joked about how “The Economics of Sin and Grace” would be a great book title. Maybe this post could be an introduction, or a forward?
(btw, wow at the new description! Powerful three words.)
I’d characterize Canada as secular.
Not that there aren’t a lot of people who are part of a religion. But not too many people are that religious, at least by comparison. And maybe there are larger religious minorities. Still a majority who would likely put some Christian denomination on a census form. But the society as a whole is secular.
This is so spot on – I found myself engaged in a dialog re: a book I wrote 3 years ago. Fortunately the reviewer, who was engaging with me recognized that views evolve when one has new experiences, evidence, etc.
The major problem is for pastors, authors, etc. who are financially dependent on a given brand and then decide for whatever reason to unbrand themselves. One has integrity but just lost a chunk of change. One can argue that those who sell-out will expire when their brands die down but that does little comfort as they live in McMansions in the meantime.
there will be a period where you feel to be in no man’s land, when you know the previous beliefs are now invalid, but you haven’t quite worked out what the new ones will be, when you explore again and are open to all kinds of thinking. this can be an uncomfortable and vulnerable place to be but very interesting, a place of painful growth. if you can survive it, there’s new life.
I have been reading Davids thoughts for a few years now and I am still not quite sure exactly what his struggle is (or rather, how his beliefs are changing). I know they are changing, but he just doesn’t give me enough information to know for sure, the extent.
At times I think he barely maintains his grip on his beliefs out of desperation to keep some semblance of what he had in the past (he is coming to grips with the realization that what he has believed in is most likely false due to the complete lack of evidence in his life, and in the lives of his fellow believers, that what they believe is true), and he will eventually admit that he is now an atheist or agnostic.
- or –
At times I think his struggle is out of dissatisfaction with where his beliefs have lead him. He knows that, with his unsettled emotional state, he can never go back to that comfortable place where he once was, and at the same time, he feels that the path he is following will lead to a place that will not, or can not offer those safe, sheltered feelings he once experienced as a believer, but, he still believes in (or still wants to believe in) God, Jesus, etc, etc.
I really don’t know. David seems to just give little tidbits of what is actually going on in his head. But I don’t fault him for that.
Perhaps someone just needs to ask him: David, are you a Christian or an atheist? Why?
For what it’s worth, here is what happened to me: http://i-smell-smoke.blogspot.com/2007_07_22_archive.html
bob,
I’ve just started reading your blog post and will continue that. But the first few lines about keeping your beliefs to yourself or you’ll lose customers-that’s what I’ve always thot maybe NP was doing-(you can let us know if that’s true or not, NP.) What I mean is if nobody can really get a label on you, you’ll have the Christians and the agnostic/atheists as customers.
But once you make it clear that you’re on one side or the other, some people will stop reading. I’ve stopped reading several times, because I started thinking that David is a struggling Christian, and I’ve heard more than enough on that subject. It would frustrate me cause I think Christians sometimes struggle because they are trying to believe things that aren’t true or don’t make sense, so no wonder they are struggling. I did too. For most of my life.
Now I’m done struggling!! Yay!
Anyway, it could be a combination of several things. Who knows. But I’m still here and so are you and lots of others. His art and thoughts are too good to leave for long!
Bob and Lynn: Thanks for your comments. It’s got me thinking. I want to respond well, so I’m going to think about it and post later today.
Believe it or not, it is possible to be neither Christian nor atheist. Personally, I am over the whole Christianity charade. Yet I believe in an amazing universal power that loves me, guides me, is in me, and in some ways IS me. I am a part of that source, and that source is a part of me.
I also believe that an incredible human being walked the face of the earth some 2000 years ago and taught that giving, loving, healing, and compassion were way more important than rules and religious protocol. Do I believe in a miraculous resurrection and ascension into heaven? Not so much. Do I believe in a place called hell and an evil entity called Satan? Not so much. Do I believe Jesus ever intended to be worshiped as a deity? Not so much.
So what am I? Y’all seem to be in need of labels and identity. How would you label that one? I am very pro-authentic-Jesus, yet very not-Christian at this point. I am a believer in a universal spirit guide, but I do not believe in an angry vengeful MALE God that kills people dead for introducing unauthorized fire to the sacrifice. I am NOT a believer in everything that is Christian.
I am having an identity crisis right now, and it’s really kinda fun. Just makes those darn surveys hard to fill out.
With respect, might I suggest that by trying to peg David’s current process on either side of the Christian/agnostic-atheist divide one could be missing the point. I say this while also being one who wishes David might feel more comfortable giving us a clearer sense of his wrestling with the angel.
A relatively new visitor here, from all that I’ve seen and read, I have no doubt that what David is living at present is indeed sacred. And from the little I know of his intelligence and talents, I also sense this to be a reflection of an authentic 21st century life of faith.
Though many quarters within the churches are only beginning to catch on, the structures, assumptions of patriarchy and rote responses have long ago fallen away- of necessity- in secular life, and I write this as a post-Christian-christian, a post-Anglican-anglican, which can be a pretty raw and challenging if interesting place to be at times. In the cause of full disclosure I should perhaps also admit to more than two decades of a mindfulness practice which includes intentionally trying to live into a non-dualistic engagement with the sacrament of our lives.
As someone once said somewhere, when all else fails- just show up. None of us are alone in this; I just wish we were sometimes in less of a rush to label everything, to nail it down with canon law or a theological doctrine. In spite of all of these, we are not in charge, and it is my sense that too often all that ‘text’ can run interference on the Holy Spirit.
So love and blessings brother David, trust the grace and your sacred process. Romans 8: 38 – 39
love always- always Love
David@Montreal
Angie,
I like what you said. Maybe we just like labels cause it helps us get a handle on organizing life and people. Maybe we just use them to try to simplify life, because people are actually very complicated and don’t really fit into neat little categories.
That very thing is one of my issues with Christianity. I was taught you’re either saved or unsaved. Every human in the world falls neatly into those two categories-ridiculous!
Angie,
Also your post reminded me of how dumb-founded I was when I heard people speak of rejecting Christianity but not God. That didn’t compute. Then I learned that there are Deists. They believe in a God, but not the Christian God necessarily. That was a new one. But I came to see that that idea too is a possibility.
Life definitely takes some interesting side roads when things begin to shift from black and white to many shades of gray and even full color. All I can say is that even though many don’t know quite what to make of it (me), it has felt like that scene in Forest Gump where he begins to run and the braces (shackles) just fall away. So much freedom, yet so much greater connectedness to the Source.
bob,
Enjoyed reading your journey. I could relate to a lot of it-being a reader, taking it all very seriously, noticing that nobody really lived like a Christian, etc.
I’ve concluded that not taking it seriously is the key to happiness in it. I couldn’t do that. I’m not made that way. I do still attend a church now and then just to see what they’re saying at various churches. Sometimes the service has parts I kinda enjoy, but basically there’s no going back. Plus you can’t be honest, so that’s a problem.
“Your gut tells you that the market is predominantly motivated by fear.”
Any system of belief that is based on fear of punishment and hope for reward is inherently barbaric and evil as it eliminates intellectual freedom from the equation.
Dave,
You asked,”Or trust your own instinct and intelligence?”
I would like to answer that question with a few of my own. These questions are not meant necessarily for you, but for any reader to answer or ponder.
What would the nature be of a being that insisted you didn’t trust your intelligence or instincts? After all, he created you, right?
If your instincts and intellect cannot be trusted, why do you have them? Did the creator make a mistake? If not, the question still stands. Do you have these abilities and traits as tests or weaknesses to be overcome? If so, why do so many theists appeal (at least superficially)to intellect and instinct when making a case for their beliefs?
I could go on and on ad infinitum, but this is a good start…
Labelling people makes it easier to dismiss them when we don’t agree with their opinions or vice versa. I think we do it mainly when we are afraid we might be wrong about our own beliefs, even if we won’t admit it to ourselves. The other reason is simple laziness. It takes effort to get to know someone and build a relationship. It takes even more effort to try to see things from their perspective if we don’t really agree with that perspective (or misinterpret it).
I’m sure there is more to it than that, but that’s my two cents at the moment.
But the labels often start out innocently and are used innocently. Because like most specialized or techincal jargon, they are short cuts. They replace an entire paragraph of description in a single word or phrase. And if we all have the same understanding of the vocabulary being used, then it’s a useful shorthand.
But this is hard on the internet especially. Since we all come from different contexts, we don’t tend to have the same understanding of what these words mean.
And that is aside from the problem that all such short cuts, when lacking a firm and agreed upon definition, are by necessity vague generalizations that can be more of an impediment than a help.
In academia, the solution is to spend some time defining your terms before you expound on your subject. But in a forum, we would spend all our time trying to agree on a definition, which defeats the purpose of having a specific term at all.
But with so little time/opportunity to really understand each other, with everyone writing short post, the shortcut of using the lables is almost a necessity to be able to provide as much information about ourselves as is necessary to understand each other. Even if it’s by saying what we aren’t.
Part of the answer might just be to be mindful of the problems with labels. And while paying attention to the words people use to describe themselves, be willing to listen to what they’re saying to ammend our understanding of how that lable may or may not apply.
David’s right, no labels (is that what he is saying?).
What is one’s beliefs worth and how do we cash that in?
@bob,
I checked out your blog. Well said, well done!
To everyone discussing labels…Christine’s pretty much summed up my thoughts on the subject.
I’d like to add that sometimes we avoid having ourselves labeled out of fear of commitment or of being forced to commit to one concept or another.
And yes, I’m as guilty of that as anyone else.
Angie Cox – “So what am I? Y’all seem to be in need of labels and identity. How would you label that one?”
Just kidding Angie.
Weird! That’s your new label
Yes, I do tend to need labels. Not because I like them, but because that is how I (we) have spent all or most of our lives. Everything can be identified by a name.
If I try to describe to some Christians my atheism, they respond that I am actually agnostic. I say no, I am an atheist who offers the possibility that there may be a “god”, or may have been a “god”, but for the time being, I have concluded that there is no “god”.
So, I guess I don’t fit the label either.
David@Montreal – Well said (until you introduced the Holy Spirit and Romans 8 into the conversation).
Lynn – “I’ve concluded that not taking it seriously is the key to happiness in it.”
Lynn, I agree.
James – “Labelling people makes it easier to dismiss them … when we are afraid we might be wrong about our own beliefs … simple laziness.”
I disagree. I think you have made a generalization as to why I am curious as to exactly what David believes and why…or…what Christine said.
I’ll take “weird”. It’s way better than some things I’ve been called!
Lynn: I’ve always chosen, I hope, to write honestly rather than in a way that would keep my readers. Those who know me well enough know that I have often lost fans, followers and members, and even my job, for not being careful about what I say. But you are right: that’s generally how it works.