Maybe it’s time you wrote yours:
Here are 5 steps to writing a victim impact statement. Some of you might find it helpful to go through this exercise. I want to be clear: There have been many situations when I could’ve written this. However, with the last church I left I hold no offense. Quell the rumors, you know.
So, here are five steps to writing a statement:
- Write a short paragraph about the offense that has been committed against you.
- Write a detailed paragraph about yourself, your personality and character, as well as what your hopes and dreams were at the time the offense was committed against you.
- Write a paragraph about the impact the offense has had on you. The impact could be physical, emotional, financial, spiritual, or otherwise. It might be temporary or permanent. This paragraph should clearly show a contrast in you before and after the offense was committed.
- Write a paragraph about how the offender has or has not paid for the offense. Has justice been served? Has the offender paid too highly for the offense against you? Or has the offender gotten off easy? Does the offender even comprehend the gravity of the offense against you, or that any offense has even been committed? What affect does this have on you?
- Deliver the impact statement. Deliver it to the offender or to the foremost representative of the offender. You can read it or just send it. If this is not possible, then read it aloud as if you were reading it in court. Then file it under “missions accomplished”.
I find that it helps bring some closure to something that has negatively impacted us when we perform such exercises.
I’m indebted to a help site’s advice for writing a victim impact statement here.
My name is David Hayward, and I am the nakedpastor. I am a graffiti artist on the walls of religion.
This is beyond awesome. I’m going to use this with a (hopefully)soon to be former employer/client.
One last thing that I find imperative to moving on is to critically look at my part in the offense. I played a role in every offense that I have received. True healing comes from owning your part.
In my history with the church – my part was that I continued to go back, over and over and over and expected something to change. In other words, I placed myself in a position to be hurt. I have to own that.
k8: I thank you for your honesty and vulnerability displayed in your post. However, I would like to respond as tenderly as I can to what you say. Whenever someone is hurt, is not always the case that they themselves are implicated. You may have been hurt without any of your involvement at all. You can’t find a victim impact statement where it recommends you admit and share the blame. Sometimes people are just hurt. And it is hardly ever admissible to say that you allowed yourself to be hurt. If I might be so bold, I would suggest this is your next level of healing.
I hear what you are saying. I will see if there is further discussion that will change my mind.
There are INDEED times when people simply just get hurt without provocation. And my part in that? Comes after the fact. It is when I hang onto it and nurture it and let it fester and grow.
Certainly, there is a time to feel the hurt. To acknowledge it and face it for what it is. But there does come a time, when fostering that sense of injustice has more to do with me than what the original perpetrator actually did.
hmm.. interesting points made here in the comments. I’m going to have to think about that… although I do believe I already believe that there are many instances where the “victim” or the person who has been hurt is in no way implicated in the “crime”…
I agree with what you said, David, that a victim is a victim, period. I’ve heard people say that rape victims ask for it because they dress in a provocative fashion.
I went to my pastor with my statement of abuse and was betrayed by him. Where else was I to go? So, that is why, along with a few more reasons I am not in that church anymore. I cannot respect leadership that is on the side of a perpetrator.
I wish those luck who can offer their victim statements and be believed, supported, and gain some closure. I chose to walk away as none of that was forthcoming for me. You’re on the right track,David, in helping people understand their rights. Sad, and pretty disgusting really that this kind of thing goes on in churches, but it does. —–Crystal.
Good post David. Wow, it has my mind rolling.
It reminded me of a local LARGE charismatic church that has grown into a mini denomination of sorts. They always taught their members that if they were offended it was their fault. Of course, they had some Bible text they bent to gain support for this teaching.
I work with Inmates. They have to hear Victim Impact statements read in court. Most of them never forget and are in one way or another bothered by what they hear. Usually it is because of the emotion they see in the victim as they read their statement in court.
Imagine the courts taking the churches teaching seriously; The judge reads out in court that the victim is the one to be faulted.
I don’t think the churches have the innate ability in any way whatsoever to receive a victim impact statement. It is always the victims fault… one way or another the flow chart will end with the victim being guilty of something.
Man, that’s so messed.
Pretty cool – I really like this idea!
Perhaps I am reacting to the word victim. Because I do not identify myself as such. To do so feels belittling to me. As if I have no power.
k8, I think you are mistakenly equating innocent victims with the kind of people who develop a “victim mentality.” Holding onto that kind of mentality is never healthy, I agree, but there is no shame or lack of power with acknowledging that you have been a victim of some abuse or miscarriage of justice in any way shape or form. Even rape victims need to move on and claim their dignity, but should the rapist never pay for what he did?
I wasn’t raped, by the way, but there are many ways in which one can be abused, and it sometimes can have that feeling of being absolutely treated like dirt – the way I imagine a raped person must feel. Speak up against all injustice of that kind whenever possible.—Crystal.
“You’re too fragile.”
That’s what I was told, and is what I believed about myself in the church that I was part of. Then came the tipping point when I realized that it wasn’t me being too fragile, it was them being abusive. If I would have stayed at this church after I ‘saw the light’, then I could admit to responsibility. Before that, no way.
Thanks David. I am going to do this. I don’t think I’ll deliver as the pastor involved sees him/herself as entirely innocent, and my efforts would be wasted, but it may help just to have that written down anyway.
Too often we are told that we choose to be hurt…that no matter what someone does to us, we have a choice as to how we’ll react. That, to me, is like saying that if I hit you with my car you have a choice as to whether your leg breaks or not. Abuse hurts. Unfortunately, dysfunctional organizations, including families, very often side with the abusers. If you dare to hurt…if you dare to complain about the abuse…you become the one who is wrong. The “peace at any cost” standard is most often in place.We are told to suck it up…to not be so thin skinned…or that Daddy or Pastor Whatshisname or Dr.Sawbones wouldn’t do/say that. We’re making a mountain out of a molehill…it wasn’t so bad…people are abused every day…there’s something wrong with you if you’re hurting…you need to see someone about it and/or take a pill.Abuse of any sort is wrong. The fact that it was done to you and you hurt because of it needs to be validated. You have a right to voice your hurt… if you can’t you can’t heal. Shoving it under the rug only hides it for a little while. Writing it down gives it validity. Confronting the abuser is a choice that is different in each situation. Sometimes it helps…other times it opens you to more abuse. But getting it all out is mandatory for healing. It’s the only way out of victimhood. If you keep it locked inside you will unwittingly attract more abuse. The exercise David suggests is powerful and promotes changes from within.
Thanks preacherlady. Indeed… even if the abused “asked for it” literally, it still doesn’t justify the abuse. I just thought of people like King and Gandhi who did peaceful demonstrations which “provoked” the violence out of the aggressors, thereby exposing the evil of those in authority.
There is a book…”Forgiving the Unforgivable” by Beverly Flanagan…which goes through the steps above and more. I found it very helpful in healing my own wounds and in assisting others in healing theirs.
i’ve heard of it. thanks for mentioning it here.
One of the things I like about the book is that it recognizes the process. There is an exercise in which you imagine all the horrible things you want to see done to your abuser as punishment. That’s cathartic!
6. Forgive.
I’m not going to forgive someone who has not apologized or otherwise expressed their regret. I also don’t buy into the whole “I’m forgiving them for myself, not them” argument, either. I find it specious, pretentious and shallow. While obsessing on an injury can be harmful to oneself, there is no evidence I’m aware of that unconditional forgiveness is therapeutic. I simply disconnect and move one – forgiveness is not part of the equation.
Forgive people when they do wrong things to you. If you forgive them, your Father in heaven will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive them, your Father will not forgive you. Matt 6
@Mike,
Ah, the old “Fear of punishment, hope for reward” argument.
That’s why you forgive? REALLY? And if you happen to stop believing in your bible…what then? Do your neighbors then need to keep an eye on you? Fear of punishment and hope for reward is a flimsy (not to mention frightening) basis for morality.
I’m motivated to do good because I want to do good, not out of fear of punishment or a selfish hope for reward. That’s REAL free will, my friend.
‘Nuff said.
Mike: No! No number 6. Forgiveness is not a part of the victim impact statement. That’s a religious response that doesn’t enter into this exercise. I’m not saying that one should not forgive, but that is another issue entirely. The problem many people have… especially those who have been hurt by the church… is that they can’t even bring themselves to admit they’ve been victimized by the church. One can’t really forgive until one admits one has been hurt. So, no, forgiveness is not included in this.
I merely quoted what Jesus said. I try to forgive because I have been forgiven, not because of fear of punishment.
@nakedpastor It was a Jesus response. I totally understand what you are saying. Acknowledging the hurt is vital before moving on to forgiveness which is also vital for freedom.
I would say forgiveness is an important factor in human affairs. However, I would want to keep this issue clear of that discussion entirely because it can’t help but inject a religious sensitivity which might be the problem in the first place.
NP,
Thank you for this post. I think many of us are so programmed by the church to feel guilt constantly about our very being, that we have trouble having the dignity of saying, “Yes, I am worth being treated well by others.” We are too quick to forgive bullies.
It’s hard for us to simply say that we are or have been hurt. As a therapist once told me-It’s okay to say “Ouch!”
And I’ll go on to tell you what people say when you dare to say “Ouch!” They say you are whining. They say you are not happy unless you are complaining. They say you are just miserable and won’t be happy til everybody else is miserable too.
They say you are too sensitive. They say you have issues. They say YOU are causing a problem.
Oh yeah, they say you are being negative. (the ultimate sin-lol)
So victims have to deal with the original offense PLUS hearing all that.
you’re welcome lynn
“While obsessing on an injury can be harmful to oneself, there is no evidence I’m aware of that unconditional forgiveness is therapeutic” (Godless Monster)
Isn’t what you are saying what is basically being said about forgiveness…just in different words? Namely towards a whole institution where people have been victimized.
@Societyvs,
I was responding to Mike’s comment before mine.
Beyond that context, I’m not sure what you are getting at.
@Societyvs,
Maybe the caffeine hasn’t kicked in yet, but I’m just not clear as to what you think is being said and about what.
“I’m not going to forgive someone who has not apologized or otherwise expressed their regret” (Godless Monster)
I am kind of responding to this notion. In this sentence you said you would not forgive (basically) unless someone expresses their regret.
Then after it you say: “While obsessing on an injury can be harmful to oneself, there is no evidence I’m aware of that unconditional forgiveness is therapeutic”
Which seems to be saying ‘do not obsess on the injury or being a victim’. Which to me, seems like what someone is doing when they choose to forgive an institution or person from that place without their knowledge or involvement.
Okay, I’ve got it. It seems you’ve taken my statement and basically expounded on the concept a bit. Yes, absolutely, I suppose that could be the case with some people.
In a nutshell, I’m stating that forgiveness just for the sake of forgiveness is really not healthy or desirable. It should, as you put it, be done with the knowledge and involvement of the offender(s)…AND with an apology and/or reparations from them as well.
@Societyvs,
OR…you may have meant…
“Which to me, seems like what someone is NOT doing when they choose to forgive an institution or person from that place without their knowledge or involvement.”
In that case, I’d suppose an argument could be made that this is true, but that still doesn’t make it the right thing to do. Moving on and forgiving are two separate things; let’s not confuse or conflate them.
“Moving on and forgiving are two separate things; let’s not confuse or conflate them.” (Godless Monster)
Essentially I agree with you about most of what you said, namely concerning forgiveness and the other side knowing the part they played in the pain…it’s always nice to have that kind of closure.
However, in all reality, this kind of closure is not always possible nor always happens. What if you are a victim and the person who victimized you passed away?
Moving on takes something doesn’t it…if not forgiveness…then what? I tend to see moving on containing some manner of forgiveness, if only to the person inwardly absolving themselves of being a victim by dealing with the pain and bitternesses. How does one do that – if not via some avenue of expiation?
@Societyvs,
Great observations, I’m glad you shared them.
In my own life, I have had to deal with not getting closure. I was emotionally abused and beaten frequently as a child and never confronted my parents about that. No closure there, yet I WAS able to forgive. It seems it came naturally and slowly over years as I began to understand that the frightened, crazy girl who gave birth to me was now a mellow, old, harmless woman. She’s not the same person now as she was then.
My ex wife left me in 2003 while I was working as a private soldier overseas in one of the Gulf states. I went for her. I loved her very much and endured a lot of hardship and danger on her account. After she filed, I wrote all kinds of letters and emails and never got the closure I wanted. Eventually, I was forced to grow up and face the fact that closure was not something I was going to get. I’ve moved on, but without forgiving her. She didn’t ask for forgiveness (why should she?) and I stopped wanting her to apologize many, many years ago.
I feel no sense of loss or sadness, and I do not get angry when thinking about her. I feel absolutely nothing. It’s as if she never was my wife of 23 years. It’s as if she never existed at all.
But feeling nothing is not the same as forgiveness…at least not in my book. I just stopped caring.
Thanks for sharing that Godless Monster – the 2 stories about childhood and the ex-wife.
I actually had much the same experiences as a child – physical abuse (father) and emotional abuse/adandonment (mother). My father passed away when I was 10 – I had to deal with the scars left behind in that relationship and with my mother, still alive, she never addressed the problems but we also managed to ‘move on’.
For me, it had something to do with an internal recognition (like u mention) and absolving that person of their part in the abuse. Maybe I just learned to deal with it differently, I don’t really know, but in the process (which took years), I was able to move past those issues and build a respectable life beyond the scars. I labelled it forgiveness, some type of expiation, maybe I would use my life to rectify those mistakes, sort of make up for their misgivings by leading a life seeking to change those faults laid upon me. Carrying the burdens (in some ways) but also laying them down (in another way).
As for the wife thing, I just 2 years back went through some problems with my marriage and had some pretty serious choices to make concerning staying or leaving (in fact my wife left me for a period of time – the choice was thrown upon me). I did get the closure I sought, and it was rough, but I managed to forgive her. The remnants of that are still being dealt with even to this day. In some ways, most of this is internal regardless of what she externally did to me (ie: adultery). I realized I could forgive her and let her go, she came back and I chose to forgive and work on it. All in all, I would of been okay with just letting her go (be free if I was such a problem)…I realized most of this what I needed to deal with was inside of me.
@Societyvs,
Your seem to advocate taking a more active approach to healing. I can see how that would work well for most people.
I’ve taken the path of ignoring the hurt or pain and pushing forward. Of course, I still have ugly things rear their heads now and then when I least expect it. Maybe this stems from not dealing with some of these things head on. Am I pushing forward or running away? I don’t know…
Thanks guys for your very civil and kind discussion.
That’s only because I’m being vicious on the other post…
Ah, now that explains it.
@Christine,
oh girl, you need a spankin’…